She shivered, and turned around to face him.
Her face must have shown her concerns, despite trying to disguise them.
Julian stepped back a few inches, his astute gaze on hers.
“Look, Petula. I’m in no hurry. It’s more than okay with me if we don’t do anything other than kiss. And that’s for however long it takes,” he offered. “I’m good. Especially while things are still unsettled regarding your safety.”
She knew he meant with Jefferson stalking her, and she felt that as a shadow, as well.
Julian went on. “I can show you around the house, we can have dinner, then we can just settle on the couch, cuddle, and watch TV or something.”
Petula stiffened her spine.
No.That wasnotwhat she wanted.
She wanted sex, goddammit. She wanted normal. With Julian. But it might take a while to get there. Or…? The uncertainty bugged her. Would she ever feel undamaged?
Maybe not in all ways, but…
Penetration wassomething shecoulddo, with her…rules.
Petula put what she hoped was a seductive look on her face as she purposely licked her bottom lip. “Idowantsex with you, Julian. I have every expectation it will be epic.”
“But no pressure,” he blinked, trying to keep up with her changing moods. “Right? No pressure on either of us?”
“Yes. No pressure,” she repeated, then grew worried again as she articulated her first caveat. “However… If I don’t, um, completely enjoy it, you arenotto take that personally. I still don’t know if it was me or my two previous partners who sucked, but if was me, I won’t have you taking the blame for any lack of fireworks.”
Julian put his hands on her shoulders and rubbed them gently, not flinching away at her negativity. “Nobody’s going to suck. Not you, and not me,” he assured her. “We’re going to take our time, and make it good. I’m going to discover everything that makes you giggle, everything that makes you sigh, and everything that makes you scream with pleasure. You got that?” he stated confidently.
“That’s a tall order,” Petula managed, playing with a button on his Henley, which she’d found herself doing alot. “But what if… What if I’m broken, Julian?”
She hadn’t worried about that with Matt and Gleason. They’d both been a means to an end, and neither had figured into herfuture. With Julian, it was a whole different story. She loved him; wanted to be with him every minute of every day, and for a very long time. Besides which, she craved his esteem.
What if she found out shecouldn’tenjoy sex? What if Julian eventually decided she was too broken to bother with?
Petula didn’t know if she could handle him walking away. She needed to lay her fears and expectations on the table.
Julian must have seen her winding up, because he put a finger to her lips. “Uh, uh. Hold that thought for a minute,” he said, looking around as if he suddenly remembered where they were. “I want to get us inside where we can relax and not worry about anyone interrupting.”
Petula nodded.Yeah.It was pretty dumb to have this conversation on his front doorstep where it might not be one-hundred percent safe, or where any one of their well-meaning siblings could show up without warning.
Julian brushed his lips over her cheek, then turned his attention to his phone. He tapped his screen, read it, then muttered some numbers that could only be the code for his alarm.
Reaching around her to a keypad, Julian put in a series of digits, and the red light on the panel turned green.
“First try,” he congratulated himself, smiling.
Andwow. Amazingly enough, he didn’t seem nervous at all about what Petula might tell him. That either meant he had his head firmly entrenched in the sand, or he was confident that whatever they discussed wasn’t going to be a game-changer.
Since this was Julian? Petula realized, much to her relief, that the latter was probably closer to the truth.
He put a hand on the small of her back, opened the door, and led her into a large, spectacular foyer. For a seemingly diminutive-from-the-outside, ranch-style home, Petula wasn’texpecting the vaulted ceiling, nor the amount of natural light that graced the hallway.
“Wow,” she said, looking up and around. Of course, all the walls were blank canvases, waiting for art and decoration, but Petula could see the potential.
“I know, right?” Julian’s excitement was palpable. “This was all it took for me to know it was the right house. And it only gets better from here.” He took one step forward, then stopped. “But it’s up to you what we do first. Do you want to look around, or do you still want to sit and have that talk.”
Petula wished she could say “fuck it” and opt for the tour, but it might take her a while to work up the courage to dare be as bold again if she didn’t get it all out, right now.
