In some of my lucid moments in that bathroom, I wondered. If I loved him. Now, I know. I can’t say the words yet, but I can give him this. Give him the family he’s denied himself for years.
“It’s easier not to care. Or…not to let on that you care. Because if you care…you might lose them? Is that it?” His body stills, and I’m not sure he’s even breathing. “I saw how you looked at Dax. The pain. The guilt. He’s family too, isn’t he?”
A single nod, and he’s a statue again.
“And me?” Now I’m the one holding my breath.
“Baby, you’re my everything.” Ryker’s voice breaks on the final word, and he wraps his arms around me, shudders wracking his bulk as he struggles to draw in ragged breaths. “I can’t lose you.”
“You won’t. But you won’t lose them either. Not if you let them in.”
Jerking back, he scrubs his hands over his face. “I let Dax in. Hab. Ripper. Gose. Naz. And look at what happened to them.”
I reach out and press my palm to his heart. “They’re all still with you, Ry. Here. Can’t you feel them? You carry them with you every day. Just like I carry Zion. I know it’s a cliché. And not a very good one. But…even with all the pain and tears Zion caused me when he was using…I still loved him. And now? Everything I…I just went through? Am still going through? The few years I had with Zion are worth all that.” I sniffle and brush away a hint of dampness under my swollen left eye. “Now go find West and make this right. I’ll be here when you come back.”
Ryker leans down and touches his forehead to mine. “Do you promise?”
“I promise.”
35
Ryker
The sun slashes across the stoop where West sits with his arms crossed over his bent knees. “I never should have come back,” he says bitterly. “All my years in the SEALs and I was never as close to death as I was in Colombia. And now…my fucking wedding is—was—supposed to be tomorrow.”
“I was wrong.” Forcing my feet to move, I plod down the stairs until I’m standing in front of him, my hands shoved into my pockets. “And I’m an asshole.”
West narrows his eyes. “Say that again? I think my hearing’s going.”
“You heard me.”
“And you think this makes us solid again?” He jerks up and turns to head back inside, but I grab his arm.
“Wait. Hear me out and then…after we get out of this fucking country, you never have to see me again.” I don’t know how to make him stop and listen, to make him understand when I can’t figure this shit out for myself. “Please.”
“You’re never going to change, are you, Ry?” Shaking off my grip, West puts several feet between us as he stalks into the small backyard. “Who the hell said I never wanted to see you again?”
“You did. ‘And that’s why this is never going to work long term, man. Not unless you start…’ Shit.” My ass hits the stairs, and I drop my head into my hands.
“Finally figured it out?” With controlled, precise movements, West scoops up a handful of stones from the neglected landscaping and aims at a dead tree in the corner of the yard.Plunk.“I know you lost your team, Ry.”Plunk. The second rock lands a mere inch from the first. “But so did a lot of us. I had to watch my men die too.”Plunk.
“You didn’t leave a man behind.” My words don’t rise much above a whisper, and as a fourth stone lands—all in a tight, circular grouping—West blows out a long, slow breath.
“Neither did you.” When he turns to me, frustration gathers between his dark brows. “If you hadn’t escaped when you did, you and Dax would have both died.”
“You don’t know that,” I snap, jumping to my feet and advancing on West. “I cost Dax his fucking eyes. And worse. I left him there. Alone.” I shove the former SEAL, but he anticipates my rage and spins away.
“You want a fight? Or you want to fix things?” His fist plows into my jaw, and before I can recover, he sweeps my legs out from under me. “Stay down.”
Sucking in a sharp breath, I fight the instinct to get to my feet and tackle him. I’ve only seen hints of this side of West. The savage, tightly restrained anger we’re taught to use to our advantage—if the situation’s desperate enough.
“I called Dax before I got on the transpo in Seattle. If you think he blames you for his sight, you’re a fucking idiot.”
“But—”
“Oh, he’s pissed at you. No question. But not for any of the reasons you think.” Crouching down next to me, West jabs his finger against my chest. “You could have fixed things with him a hundred times in the past six years. Just by picking up the phone. The two of you went through something no one else in the world can understand. You didn’t take his vision, Ry. You took his closest friend. And isolated yourself in the process. If you don’t stop that shit, pretty soon, you won’t have anyone left.”
Standing, West holds out his hand, and I let him pull me to my feet.
