I flip open the cap and begin to coat my hands and forearms with the liquid. It mixes in with Adeline's crimson blood smattering my skin, and I cry out in desperation when I can't rid myself of the substance.
I grab the suit jacket and wipe off my arms and start over again with lathering the liquid onto my skin and rubbing it in.
Even though the blood is gone, I can still see it in my mind every time I close my eyes. Frantically, I begin to claw at my skin, desperate to get the burning substance into every fucking crevice and clean me from the inside out.
Suddenly, I feel a hand on my back. Whirling around with my fist raised and ready for attack, I instantly relax when I see Katya standing there with a confused look on her face.
"Are you okay?" she asks softly.
I stare down at my scratched skin, which is now burning from the alcohol in the sanitizer. "I'm never okay," I mutter more to myself than her. Raising my head, I glance from her to the hospital. I no longer see Wraith, Jax or Adeline, so I assume they were able to get her the help she needed.
"I should be in there," I whisper in angst.
"Then why aren't you?" Katya asks.
I sigh and crush the empty bottle of sanitizer in my hand before throwing it on the floor of the SUV. My hands tremble as I hold them in front of me.I'm fucking losing it. Of all times to fucking lose it…why did it have to be now?
"I can't explain everything to you right now," I tell her, grimacing. "I'll just say I have a lot of issues."
Katya places one hand on her cocked hip. "No shit," she spits in her thick Russian accent.
If there's anything I've learned from Katya over the past couple of weeks, it's the fact that she speaks her mind. I think that's one of the things I like most about her. She's definitely been keeping Jax on his toes.
"Who cares if you have issues? We all have issues," she says, and I can see the hurt in her eyes beyond the stony expression. But as quickly as it appeared, it's gone. "You love her, don't you?" she asks pointblank.
"More than life itself," I confess.
"Then get your shit together and be the man she needs you to be right now."
Scowling, I rake my hands through my hair. "I fucking can't!" I yell. I feel helpless and hopeless and everything in between. "She deserves better than this," I murmur. "She deserves so much better than what I can give her."
Katya sighs and then is silent for a long time while I pace around the parking lot trying to force my legs to move towards the hospital instead of in a fucking endless circle.
"I'll be right back," I hear her say before she walks towards the hospital.
Fuck. Now she's gone too. And I'm out here all alone, not knowing what the fuck is going on with Adeline…or our baby.
My breathing becomes harsher, more desperate as I keep pacing, muttering to myself and counting the fucking cracks in the pavement.
The severity of the situation feels like a million ton weight on my back, and I feel like I could crack into a million different pieces at any given moment.
I could be losing them both right now. And without having Adeline in my life…I'm not sure what would happen to me.
I just finally got her back, and now I could lose her all over again…forever this time.
By the time Katya returns, I'm a fucking mess. She takes one look at me, and her eyes widen slightly before she schools her features. "Jax told me a little bit about your…issues," she says softly. "I think these might help."
I stare at the contents in her arms. I gently take everything and set it on the seat of the SUV. It looks like she raided a surgeon's locker. Turning to her, I ask, "Where exactly did you get all of this…or should I askhowdid you get all of this?"
She cocks a brow and simply says, "I have my ways." Then she instructs me with a stern tone, "Hurry. Put them on."
Grabbing the set of scrubs first, I slide them over my clothes. Next, I slip on the boot covers and put the mask on my face. I breathe through the mask and instantly feel better.
Lastly, I grab the blue latex gloves and put them on.
Glancing at Katya, I earnestly tell her, "Thank you."
"You're welcome. Now, let's go see how your girl is doing."
