“What would that be?” she demanded, and hoped it was something that would help harden her heart to him once again.
“I was afraid.”
“Of what?”
“So much time had passed. Too much time. I didn’t know if you had wed or fallen in love with another.”
“You could have asked.”
“You do not understand. So long as I did not know, I had hope, and I couldn’t bring myself to risk your rejection. I deserved it and feared that you were already lost to me.” He took another drink of his brandy and again, pushed his fingers though his hear, frustrated, she assumed. I am well aware that I am not worthy of you. I was too cowardly to go to you. It was safer to hold on to the hope of one day than to have it shredded.”
Her heart ached for him, for what they once had, but did she dare risk it on him again? “I understand, Julian. Thank you for explaining.” With that she turned on her heel and was about to leave him behind.
“Cait, please, do not go.”
She turned back around. “I have much to think about. Certainly, you understand.”
“Is there any hope? Is there any possible way that you could ever love me again?”
She had never stopped loving him. But that was not enough. There was little trust. How could she be with him when Julian had only provided some of the truth and made decisions for her? That was not the kind of marriage she wanted no matter how much she loved him. “I need to think about the matter,” she answered quietly and turned and walked away.
Chapter Nineteen
When Julian stepped into the drawing room later that evening, he noted that Cait was not amongst the guests. He suffered disappointment but was certain that she would be along soon and took a step toward the footman who was pouring wine, only to be intercepted by his aunt.
“Cait will not be joining us this evening.”
Perhaps she needed time alone in her chamber to think matters through.
“She has left,” his aunt said quietly.
His heart began to thump heavily in his chest. Cait had rejected him. Even after he had explained everything, handed his heart over to her, she turned her bag and left him.
It was no less than he deserved. He had been a bloody fool for not going to her immediately and explaining the truth. Maybe they could have found a solution, though unlikely, but then Cait would have known that he wasn’t simply taking on an obligation because he did not wish to be poor.
He was too weak then. He was too cowardly a year and a half ago, and even more so after his father had died.
It was no wonder that Cait wanted nothing further to do with him and preferred her life as a spinster teacher.
“I will have Valeria’s belongings packed along with mine and return to Ashford Place.
“Do not be ridiculous,” his aunt admonished.
“There is no reason for me to remain. You said she is gone.”
“I did not say that she would not be returning.” His aunt chuckled.
A small bit of hope sprung in his heart. “Where did she go?”
“I do not know. That was not confided in me, but I am certain you will determine her destination.”
“How if she said nothing to you?” Did his aunt believe he could read minds?
“She said she was going to where she could think best outside of a stable. I assume you would know where that is.”
Julian pondered where Cait might have gone through supper and barely engaged in the conversations. The only place he could think of was the beach beneath the school. She loved the ocean, but they were in Bath. There was no ocean, and he was fairly certain that a lake did not provide what waves and seals did.
If she was to return, she also could not have gone far.
