“Nor is it likely important now.” Had it been, he would have told her.
“My father learned the truth of my activities and who I worked for.”
“I assumed he was already aware,” she said, not certain why any of this mattered.
“Not until another told him so he had me investigated and the other Devils of Dalston.”
Cait frowned, still not certain why this was important.
“If I did not marry Imogene, he was going to find a way for all of England to know what we did. It could have put my friends in danger. It would have revealed the secrets of the Alien Office and the Home Office and the Foreign Office. Our enemies would have had a thread to pull and who knows how much would have been unraveled.”
All she could do was stare at him.
“That is why I did what I did.”
It was too much to take in and she crossed to the sideboard and poured herself a glass of wine, hoping it would fortify her.
“Why would he do such a thing?” she asked with her back to Julian. She needed to hear what he was saying, listen to his tone, and not look into his eyes.
“Because he only cared about his heir and that it was fathered by my brother.”
“Did you tell your superiors?”
“Yes. They had already received my father’s threat, along with instructions to terminate my employment if I did not do as he wanted.”
“Your father was not in charge of England.”
“No, but he was an earl with a good deal of power, and they were not willing to risk the damage he could do. Marry Imogene and my father would never breathe a word of what he knew, and the Home Office would continue to employ me. If I did not marry her, secrets would be revealed that were far more damaging than I could comprehend. I would not have wanted to be poor, in that I will be honest. But I would have found a way. However, I could not control my father so what real choice did I have?”
She sipped the wine, her heart thawing, but only slightly.
“How did your fellow Devils feel about your sacrifice?”
“They do not know.”
So there was no way to find out if he was telling the truth.
“Only my aunt and my superiors,” he added.
She supposed she could question their hostess, but it truly did not matter.
“You should have told me the truth.”
“I could not write the real reason I was being blackmailed,” Julian insisted.
“You could have come to me.” Cait turned to face him. “You should have explained everything, instead of sending a letter. I would have understood. I may have helped you seek a solution, but you did not. Instead, you wrote a letter, telling me goodbye without fully telling me the truth.”
“You do not understand,” he insisted. “I could not be near you because I feared that I would not be able to leave you again.” He pushed his fingers through his hair and began to pace. “Instead of an explanation, my fear was that I would have begged you to marry me, which would have brought an end to the Devils of Dalston and the purpose they served and caused damage to the Home Office and England. I would have been putting my selfish desires first while destroying others. That is how weak I was Caitlin.”
There was sincerity, warmth, and pain in his brown eyes. Julian spoke the truth. Cait liked to think that she would have sent him away five years ago, but she would have been just as selfish.
“I would give anything to have you back. To return to what we had. I never stopped loving you, Cait. I never stopped longing for what could have been.”
Neither had she. She had tried to put those memories behind her and forget all about Julian, but it had been impossible. She had even met other gentlemen who had shown an interest in her, but none of them could replace Julian in her heart and to allow their pursuit would have been unfair to them.
“If you never stopped loving me, or longing for what we had, then why did you not come to me after you were a widower? Revenge is not a strong enough reason if you mean what you say,” she insisted. “In fact, had your aunt not hosted this house party, it’s likely we would have never seen each other again. For that reason, I am not certain I can trust your words.”
Julian glanced away. “There is a reason besides revenge.”
