“Oh, sweetheart. I’m always proud of you.”
Shaking my head, I admit, “I’ve been scared to tell you I failed. I wanted to have good news for you.”
She wraps her arm around my shoulders and pulls me toward her. I barely fit next to her petite frame, but I pretend I can. “Youare my good news. From the moment I knew you were in my belly, I wanted to protect you.”
“That’s true,” Luci adds solemnly.
“And I still want to protect you every day. So what I said this morning is only because I worry about you. I want you to be safe and happy andwhateveryou want to be. I can tell you’re sad, but I want to help you find what you’re looking for.”
I sniffle against her chest and admit, “I feel like … I’m floating in a giant ocean, lost out at sea, with no direction of where to land.”
“Oh, Lena. You don’t have to know yet.” Luci soothes a hand over my thigh. “You can surround yourself with the people you care about, and they can help you figure it out. Sometimes we don’t know where we’re going until we get there. For now, there are only two things you need to do. You trust your gut”—her gentle hand falls to my stomach—“to tell you if something’s off. But you follow your heart”—she lifts the same hand to pat my chest lovingly—“to where it wants to go.”
I swallow hard. “What if it’s all a jumbled mess, and I can’t tell what I want?”
“Then you let the people who love you help untangle it,” Mama says. “Sometimes you ask your family. Sometimes your friends. And then sometimes you trust the man you’ve fallen in love with to help you.” Her tone is gentle but laced with meaning. My heart jumps into my throat as I pull out of her arms and stare at her, but she only gives me a knowing smirk. “You think I don’t know the way you look at each other?” She laughs. “Think I didn’t see that flour on your dress?”
“You think we didn’t see your heartbreak the last two years?” Luci adds.
I shake my head adamantly, my breath trapped in my lungs. “I’m not in love with him.”
Mama smirks again as dread seeps into my veins, burning as it spreads through my body.
I love Gavin, but there’s no way I’min lovewith him. That’s why we set the one-night boundary. I know it turned into two nights, but there was still a deadline. We woke up this morning and left it all behind.
Right?
I’mnotin love with him, and he’s not in love with me.
Hell, he didn’t even tell me he was moving. He doesn’t see me as a part of his future like that. We’re simply two people who are wildly attracted to each other.
Not in love at all.
Because if we were in love with each other, that would mean devastation when I leave here. That would mean that I—
The sudden need to move my body hits me like lightning.
Standing abruptly, I turn around to face Mama and Luci. “I have to go. I need to get home.”
Mama grabs my hand, trying to lure me back to the couch. “But it’s Christmas Day.”
I blink a few times as I look around the room, memorizing the tree and the mantel and the warm glow from the fire. “I was here for most of the day. I need to get home.” As I back away, my shoulders shake, a chill running down my spine.
Luci nods and stands to hug me. “Okay.”
When I release her, Mama’s hands bracket my face. “You follow your heart,” she says, hugging me close.
I nod, even though I’m not sure I know how to do that. I know how to push Millie to follow her heart, and I know how to protect other people’s hearts. But right now, it feels like mine is raw in my chest. Like barbed wire has been wrapped around it, and time and distance and reality are pulling it tight, pricking my lungs and forcing my breath to seep out.
I run up the stairs two at a time. Blindly grabbing every piece of clothing I can find, I shove them all in my bag and drag the zipper shut.
Is this what Gavin felt like when he was leaving that night? Frantically packing his bags and trying to escape before his emotions became too much to handle?
The full weight of this moment hits me like a north wind. The force of it rushes toward my stomach, and I hunch forward as the ache settles in.
It feels like I skipped over some very important steps in the last few days, necessary conversations we should’ve had. We just vaulted right over them. But instead of sturdy ground to catch me, there was only open, stomach-dropping air, with nothing below.
And who knows where my body is going to land after this tumultuous descent.
