My hand falls to cover hers, and she grips mine tight. “I love Lena, and it’s part of my job to protect her. But Iknowin my heart that you would do the same. I trust you. And even if things don’t work out, we still want you here always.”
Everything in my mind is a disaster. My thoughts, my wishes, and my hopes about Lena that swarm around my heart. They all feel like a maelstrom that I can’t get through.
But her words are like a blanket of calm. If nothing else, Bea loves me, regardless of my feelings for her daughter.
“Thank you,” I whisper.
She grabs my shoulders to pull me toward her in a hug, and as I leave a small tear stain against her shoulder, relief washes through me.
Once we make it inside a few minutes later, the house is a buzz of activity as Zara and Luci serve thefeijoadaBea taught me to make yesterday. When the table is set, our dinner is served into bowls with rice andfarofa, and we commence our late-afternoon Christmas dinner.
“This is delicious,” Lena says beside me, circling her spoon in her bowl while everyone else discusses sledding in the backyard tomorrow.
“Thank you.” My throat aches to tell her everything on my mind, but I settle for, “How are you?”
“Fine. Distracted thinking about all the things I need to do when I get back to Wilhelmina.” She takes a sip of her water, not meeting my gaze. “I have to start looking for jobs as soon as possible.”
The words are on the tip of my tongue.Look for a job here. Or I’ll visit you on the weekends in Wilhelmina. We can figure it out.
But all she’s ever said is that she wanted a short-term thing.
One night, one morning, one more time. That’s all she’s promised me.
I may be in love with her, but she doesn’t feel the same way. We’re temporary in her eyes.
My entire life has been full of people leaving. My father, my mother, my grandmother, and every foster family since. Auggie is the only person who hasn’t left me.
Watching people walk away is standard for me, and I’ve hardened my heart to it at this point. It’s practically second nature.
So I can survive her leaving. I can watch her drive away tomorrow with a fake smile and a wave. I can do it forher.
Because it’s truly what she wants, and I could never deny her anything.
31
LENA
“Come sit with us,amorzinho.” Mama pats the couch between her and Luci.
The tree lights and roaring fire cast a golden glow around the living room as I drop into the spot, my muscles weighed down from the day’s exhaustion.
And the emotional roller coaster.
My stomach has been full of nervous flutters for the last few minutes since Auggie clapped Gavin on the shoulder after dinner and told him they should have a chat on the back porch.
And my attempt to spy on them through the window didn’t result in any helpful information.
“How’s my Lena?” Mama asks, wrapping her hand around mine while Luci pats my thigh.
“I’m … sad,” I whisper, my voice cracking in the middle as my emotions creep to the surface.
“About your job?” Luci wonders.
I lean my head back on the couch. “Yes, but also everything.”
“I’m sorry my tone was rough this morning,” Mama says, rubbing the back of my hand with her thumb. “You surprised me.”
My vision blurs with tears as I look her way. “I didn’t want to ruin Christmas with bad news. I just wanted you to be proud of me in a few weeks when I found something new.”
