Not enough to reveal my jealousy and damn me.
“I didn’t know you saw that.” She bites her bottom lip and puckers her brow with confusion. “I know you’re like … my big brother, but evenheisn’t that angry when he’s seen me kissing someone. And he definitely isn’t mad enough to skip Christmas for years.”
I know you’re like my big brother.
Fuck. I hate every word of that sentence.
I want to burn them, tell her I’m not like her big brother at all.
I’m the opposite.
I think about you constantly. When I’m in a work meeting with your brother. When I’m at the gym, trying to drown out the sound of your voice in my ears. When I’m eating dinner and wishing you were across from me. When my dick is in my hand and I’m dreaming that it’s you wrapped around it. When something funny happens, I want to tell you about it.
It never. Fucking. Ends.
I’m walking an ultrathin tightrope right now. On one side, I could fall back into safe territory.Big brotherterritory.
On the other side, I could tip toward something else. I could finally tell her what my mind does when she’s around and how miserable it was to watch her writhe against a wall and moan someone else’s name.
But it’s safer to stay on the tightrope than fall to the wrong side.
Saying those words would change everything. It would threaten the only family I’ve ever truly loved. It would put the life I’m trying to build in jeopardy and risk my only friendship.
The truth endangerseverything.
So instead, I whisper, “Do you really see me as your brother?” A stabbing ache builds in my chest in anticipation of the answer.
I don’t quite know what response I’m hoping for. I want her to see me as part of this family, to say I belong here, because I’ve never belonged anywhere in my life.
But secretly, way down in the hidden parts of my heart, I want to be nowherenearher brother.
She hesitates for a moment, her shoulders lifting with short breaths. Then she slowly nods and says, “Yeah. You’re a part of our family.” Her lashes flutter a few times before she finally looks at me. Her eyes are clear, like she’s putting all her energy into making me believe her words. “You’ll always be my brother, Gav.”
A crack splits right through my soul, causing me to lose my balance on the tightrope and topple off.
I’m careening, tumbling, falling into eternal brotherhood, and she has no idea.
Her lips twist into an uneasy grin. “I’m getting tired. I’m going to attempt to get some sleep.”
I nod and try to school my features. “You should go upstairs and take the bed,” I offer, because it’s not like I’m getting much sleep in there anyway, surrounded by her things.
She hums in acknowledgment, scooting through the water past my legs.
As she lifts herself out of the hot tub, I let myself have one heartbeat to watch her body. I give myself that one second to memorize every curve of her ass and strong thighs. Her toned calves and all the way down to her delicate ankles.
Just one flash of an image that I can keep forever.
That’s all I get.
10
LENA
“Shhh. You’re okay, buddy.”
A gentle voice floats through my dreams, and I blink myself awake. The sun barely illuminates the windows as the sound of running water makes its way from the kitchen, followed by a soft shushing and the distinctclickof the coffee pot settling back into the machine.
A smile touches my lips. I know without looking that it’s Gavin, that comforting medley a familiar soundtrack to our Christmas mornings together.
