Zoe gave a nod. She supposed that even if Alex didn’t take matters into his own hands, eventually the authorities wouldcatch up with Lennon and his dog. The fact was, things were already spiralling for him. Sooner or later, no matter what Chantal had to say, he’d be forced to leave. At least, she hoped so. It was the only way she could see for all this to be resolved. ‘Do you want something to eat? It’s only soup, but there’s enough for us all.’
‘I’m not hungry.’
‘Me neither, but I thought we ought to try and eat something.’ She got up. ‘I’ll go see if Billie wants any.’
Zoe knocked on the bathroom door, but there was no reply. ‘Billie…we’ve got soup on if you want some…’
A stuffy voice came from behind the door. ‘I’m OK, not hungry.’
Zoe frowned. ‘Billie…? Are you all right? Can I come in?’
There was no answer, only what sounded like a heaving sob. Zoe pushed the door open. Billie was sitting on the floor, head in her hands. Louisa, wrapped in a towel on her changing mat, lay beside her.
‘Are you all right?’ Zoe asked.
Billie nodded, face still hidden. She wasn’t all right – that much was clear. Zoe kneeled and put a hand on her shoulder.
Immediately, Billie recoiled. ‘Don’t! I’m OK!’
Zoe pulled her hand back, her frown deepening. ‘I’m having trouble believing that. Please, Billie, talk to me. I know you’ve been struggling.’
‘I know,’ Billie said. ‘That’s why you keep making everyone talk to me. I don’t want that. I wish you’d leave me alone – I’ll sort it. I don’t want people interfering.’
‘They’re only trying to help.’
‘It’s not helping; it’s making it worse! It makes me feel like…Like Georgia today – she’s all happy and brilliant at looking after William.’
‘You’re not happy?’
‘I can’t do it! I can’t look after Louisa like that!’
‘You’re doing brilliantly!’
‘No, I’m not! I’m getting everything wrong all the time! And if you start to think I’m…’
‘You’re what?’
‘A bad mum, then they’ll take Louisa away from me!’
‘Oh my God, Billie…is that what you think? Nobody is going to do that! It would be over my dead body. As for your dad…think about how desperate he was for you to keep Louisa when you were thinking of adoption. He’d never?—’
‘That’s just it. I keep thinking about how I was desperate to give her away, and now I feel as if I don’t deserve to have her and it will happen anyway, even though I don’t want it to. Like karma or something.’
‘I don’t believe in things like that.’
‘But what if it does? I keep thinking about that dog…like, what if he’d jumped up and got Louisa out of my arms? What if the universe is like, you didn’t want her and so now you can’t have her? What if there’s something out there waiting to take her from me? I can’t watch her all the time!’
‘But you’re trying to.’ Zoe paused. ‘It’s not Louisa keeping you awake all night, is it? You’re forcing yourself to stay awake so you can watch over her.’
‘I’m so tired…’ Billie gasped a huge breath.
Zoe could see it was taking everything she had not to break down. The sad thing was, Billie believed she was weak, but Zoe couldn’t remember the last time she’d met a young woman this strong. She’d been through so much, and yet she kept going where others would have given in.
‘You must be. Billie, you have to let us help. There is no way we would let anyone take Louisa away from you, I promise. But if you don’t take care of yourself, then it makes it harder for us too. We want to be there for you and Louisa always. So let us. You don’t have to prove anything to us; you don’t have to be strong all the time in front of us, even if you feel you have to show that face to the rest of the world. If you can’t be vulnerable with the people who love you best, then you can’t ever be vulnerable with anyone, and if you can’t do that, the pressure will keep building until one day you’ll be crushed under the weight. You’re going to find it hard to open up, but at least try, just a little bit, just with your dad if not me. It’s the only way you can start to get through this. And if you need professional help further down?—’
‘No!’ Billie shifted away from her. ‘See, I knew you’d do that! It’s why you had your doctor friend up here the other day, isn’t it?’
‘OK,’ Zoe said. She paused, trying to think of another angle that might reset the discussion. She’d been getting through, she was certain of it, and then she’d blown it by mentioning professional input. There was a way to get through, however – she’d seen the gap in the wall only moments ago. Billie had admitted she was struggling, something she hadn’t done since Louisa’s birth. ‘We’ll keep it between us. I won’t interfere, but how about we have a catch-up every morning before I go to work? Just so I can go about my day without worrying over what’s going on here? If not with me, if you’re not up, then with your dad?’
