It was just after eleven when they reached Mountford Hospice. River put on his mask before they got out of the car. As they headed towards the entrance, he took hold of Newt’s hand and Newt squeezed his fingers, then let him go. River suspected Phelan was going to ask Newt to forgive him. He wondered if Newt would. River had his own struggles with the concept of forgiveness. He knew it wasn’t healthy to let yourself be overrun by past hurt. He’d wallowed in negative feelings for a long time before he’d been able to move on, but forgiveness wasn’t part of his recovery.
“Can I help you?” asked the lady behind the desk.
“We’re here to see my brother, Phelan Walsh.”
“If you’d like to sign in, I’ll find someone to take you to him.”
They followed a nurse to Phelan’s room. At the door, Newt stopped and pressed his back to the wall. He was breathing heavily.
“Don’t worry,” the nurse said. “He’s not in pain. Just a little short of breath. Talk to him about happy things that you remember.”
And not those memories that Newt had acquired after spending almost a third of his life in prison for something that Phelan had done? River sighed. But then she had no idea.
“In you go. I’ll leave you to it.” She walked away.
A pale, dark-haired guy with dark shadows under his eyes and sunken cheeks lay on the bed. He wore grey jogging trousers, a blue sweatshirt and thick pink socks. Somethingabout the pink socks made River gulp. Phelan took one look at Newt and started to cry.
Newt went over to hug his brother.
“Sorry, sorry, sorry,” Phelan repeated over and over, then had a coughing fit.
When Phelan let him go, Newt edged away from the bed. “This is my friend. Leo knows the truth about what happened. He’s the first person I’ve ever told. He won’t tell anyone.”
“What does it matter now? Oh God…Newt. I can’t believe…you’re here.” Even through his tears, Phelan smiled. “You always said smoking would kill me.”
“Have you stopped now?” Newt asked.
Phelan chuckled. “Twenty years too late. I wrote to you… You wouldn’t let me visit you. Everything I sent to you, you sent back.” His breathing and speech were laboured.
More tears fell as he stared at Newt. “You’re really here. All grown up.”
“I am.”
“I wish I’d never gone along with it. I’ve spent a long time wishing that.”
“Why did you?” Newt asked.
“Lily was pregnant. I just thought—one job and I could…give her the money for a cot…pushchair…car seat. Help with rent. I did the job with Jimmy Morgan… Did you guess?”
“I wondered. He was your best friend.”
“You babysat his kids a couple of times. I shouldn’t have involved him… He was an idiot…” Phelan coughed. “He called outWalshto warn me we needed to get out… because the guy was coming home, and…yeah, well, the Walsh family has a reputation.”
“But a gun?”
“It was Jimmy’s… I didn’t know he’d taken it… Didn’t trust him… I took it off him.” He paused to get his breath back. “He freaked out when the guy went for the alarm…grabbed the gun from my pocket…fired it. Thank God he didn’t hit anyone. I grabbed it back… Wish to fuck I hadn’t… But he wasn’t safe with it.”
River felt angry that he’d tried to protect his idiot pal, then thrown his brother to the wolves.
“We split what we’d taken. Dad was with Sean and he…He was furious when he saw me with Jimmy’s gun. Said he’d sort it… He took the…stuff and put it in your room… I swear I didn’t want to do it but he made Sean strip me and then…” He started to cough and took a drink of water. “Sean gave mum the ketamine to inject you… Dad threatened me, said I owed him. Then Lily lost the baby. And just after you were sentenced, we broke up. So it was all for nothing. I’m so fucking sorry, Newt. You’ll never know how sorry…” He coughed again, wiping his mouth with a tissue that came away stained.
River gritted his teeth. All that and for nothing?
“So you’re not a father.”
“No.”
“You’d have been a good dad,” Newt told him.
