What the hell is wrong with me?
I find myself staring out at the backyard again, and then I'm back in Elias's room, looking over the railing of the small balcony at Miles's body lying in the grass.
"Saige? Do you want me to walk you to class?"
"What?" Oh, right—I never answered him. He must think I'm worried about my stalker. "Oh, no; I'm fine. I don't feel afraid on campus during the day. I've only seen him after dark."
"Well, to be honest, I'd love to fucking see him again after dark," Nolan says. "I'm sure Dax would, too."
"Yeah…not me."
"It'll be okay, Saige."
"I know," I lie.
I don't think he really believes it'll be okay. I don't thinkhe'sokay. But I have to admit I like the idea of the two of us being not okay together.
He smiles at me and then squeezes my hand before taking a drink of his coffee. And I just stare at his lips, remembering how they felt against mine for that brief moment last night.
I wonder when I'll get to feel them again. Even if the answer is never, I think I'm okay with it.
"Hey, Nolan?"
"Yeah?"
"Maybe sometime I could sleep in my dorm room, and you could stay with me."
Nolan pauses, thinking it over, but I can tell he doesn't like the idea. He wants to say no.
"Yeah, maybe, Saige. I just feel like you're safer here with everything going on. We have the alarm and the camera out front."
I sink a little again. "Yeah, okay. I just miss having my own space."
"You have your own space."
"This is still Elias's house. I don't live here."
Nolan frowns. "I'm really sorry, Saige. I don't know what else to do."
"It's okay," I say, looking down at the pancakes I'm mostly pushing around my plate. "I just like being alone with you."
And Dax is going to hurt me. He's hurting me already.
Before I can force Nolan into a response he isn't comfortable with, I get up and take my plate to the kitchen. "I'm going to go get ready for class."
It's colder again today, so I pull on a pair of jeans and a hoodie with my Vans. Then I pull my hair up into a bun, brush my teeth, and put on just a little bit of makeup.
The entire time, I'm listening for the front door to open, watching my phone for messages. I don't get either one.
Sighing, I grab a jacket and my bag and head for the front door, where Nolan waits for me with his hands in the pockets of his joggers.
"You're going to be late," I tell him. "You didn't have to wait for me; I don't want to ruin your morning."
"I didn't want to leave you here alone. I can at least walk you out the front door," he says, throwing his arm around my shoulders before kissing the top of my head. Again, I have to be conscious of my body, of my hands, to keep myself from wrapping them around his waist. But I can smell him. I can feel his body heat against mine, and that's comforting.
He sets the alarm before we walk out the doortogether.
"Have a good day, Saige," he says. "We'll go out again tonight, okay?"
