Paige wraps her arms tight around my back. “Jordan?”
“Mmm?” I close my eyes, relishing the feel of her after all these years.
“I’ve missed you too.”
Paige and I spend the next half-hour talking about the lost years between us. I find out that Paige came to Colorado for an internship, which, to be honest, surprises me. Ever since I’ve known Paige, she’s wanted to get out of Colorado. She chose a college in sunny California for a reason. Plus, Paige’s parents moved to Nevada the year after she left for college, so I wouldn’t think Pine Lakes would be much of a draw to her. But I’m not about to look a gift horse in the mouth, especially when I also find out that Paige doesn’t have a boyfriend. She’s single.
The more we talk and laugh, the more tiny threads of hope weave through me. This night has brought so many incredible surprises that I almost feel guilty hoping Paige still feels about me the way I feel about her. Then there are times when our eyeslinger a little too long or our hands brush a little too often, and I think,This time, things will be different.
But that’s when the ball drops.
“Z3 Group. It’s this amazing ad agency in San Francisco that specializes in global marketing.” Paige’s whole countenance seems to brighten as she answers my question. “So yeah, that’s the dream. I had a professor that sang Z3’s praises during my freshman year at Berkeley, and ever since, I’ve wanted to work for them.”
I nod, my heart sinking.
She continues. “I actually spoke with their creative director last month, and it went really well. We talked about the company and how I want to be an advertising executive one day, and he even looked through my portfolio. He said the only thing he would recommend is getting an internship before applying there. So that’s why I’m here for the next six months. Well, that and Ji and Missy were planning on living together, so I didn't want to miss the party.”
“So you’re not staying in Colorado?” I ask.
“The plan is to apply for Z3 in the summer, around the end of my internship,” she says breezily, as if her words aren’t crushing my internal organs.
Paige tells me more about Z3, including how their San Francisco office is right on the beach and that if she gets high enough in the company, she could even travel to and work in Z3’s international offices. Paige has always wanted to travel. I couldn’t imagine a more perfect fit for her, and from the excitement in her eyes, I know she sees it too.
I’m so happy for her, but I also feel like a match has been lit and it's setting fire to any hopes I had of having something more with Paige. If her future is still in California—or anywhere other than Colorado, really—then I can’t follow her there. Not when my mom is here.
Four and a half years ago, I found out about my mom’s cancer diagnosis, and since then I’ve realized my selfishness is part of the reason she’s still suffering the side effects of chemo years later. Now, I watch my mom struggle every day because of my immaturity. I cannot and will not leave her, not when I’m responsible for making her life worse.
Never before have I told a soul about my role in my mom’s pain or why I struggle to leave her. And in one brief moment of insanity, I consider opening up to Paige about this… but it’s Paige. Paige with her big, selfless heart. Paige who would put her dreams on hold if it meant being there for a friend. If by some chance Paige does still love me, and I open up to her about my feelings and why I can’t leave my mom, what would Paige do? Would she give up her dreams to stay here with me?
That thought makes me sick.No, I can’t tell her.
Just like I can’t abandon my mom to suffer on her own, I can’t hold Paige back from her dreams. If she wants to move to California, to live by the beach, to travel the world, I couldn’t live with myself if I held Paige back from her ambitions in any way, not when they bring so much light into her eyes. I’ve already ruined one life—I won’t be responsible for stunting another. Not when I love Paige like I do.
“You okay?” Paige reaches out and places her hand over my fingers in a friendly gesture.
My hand burns under her touch. I want to turn it over and lace my fingers between hers. But I don’t, because looking into her bright eyes, I know Paige deserves to be happy with someone who can give her the world. And I can’t.
So I pull my hand from beneath hers. If friendship is all I can give Paige, I need to act like a friend. I can’t hug her too long, hold her hand, or get too close. Not when one touch from her has the ability to weaken my willpower.
“Yep.” My lips lift in a half smile as she looks up at me, nose red and eyes twinkling.Paige deserves everything,I remind myself,and that is not me.
At that moment, I tell myself that if the only way I can love Paige is as a friend, then I am still lucky I get to love her. And I promise myself that when the time comes and another man enters Paige’s life, I will step aside and not interfere.
Chapter 15
JORDAN
I have three bars on my cell phone. Three bars and a full battery. I can feel the tension in my chest ease a bit. After looking up countless river-rafting locations for today, I’m relieved to find the reviews were accurate—my mobile carrier has reception here like they claimed.
I text my mom one last time before zipping my phone into a plastic baggie and putting it into my swimsuit pocket.
“Jordan!” Colton jogs past a shack with a row of kayaks and rafts leaned up against its outer wall and bear-hugs me.
I pat him on the back several times before letting go. “Hey, man. Been too long.”
“I know. It hardly feels real being back in the mountains after being in DC for so long. If I ever hear the words ‘networking’ and ‘politician’ again, it will be too soon.”
I wince. “That bad?”
