“J!” I try to roll him off of me, but he’s too heavy. All that muscle from years of playing hockey is making it impossible.
“Don’t make me do it, Sash” he says.
He wouldn’t.
His hands brush my hair back, allowing me to see his upside-down grin before he pullsthecard. “Tuna Casserole.”
I hate him, and I hate that stupid fucking pact we made when we were eight.
“I got passed up for an intern position at Starlight Games because my professor forgot that I applied.” I felt my heart drop out of my chest when she apologized to me today in class. I had to fucking remind her who I was before it even clicked in her head.
Jurian gets up the second the words leave my mouth, and I suck in air like my life depends on it. He doesn’t say anything while I sit in an upright position, and for the first time in years, I can feel the disappointment coming off my brother in waves.
“You don’t have to say it,” I tell him.
He sighs, running a hand through his black hair, those grey-blue eyes looking right into analmostmatching pair. It’s one of the many things I’m jealous of. His eyes are beautiful, while mine are a dull grey. His face softens, “why do you never stand up for yourself? I watch you let people walk all over you, and I watch you struggle because of it every day.”
I like it better when he doesn’t take anything seriously.
“You deserve so much more than this, Sash.”
I roll over in my bed, willing sleep to come to me, but an overwhelming amount of emotion hits me instead.
Tomorrow is my last day living in this apartment, my last day living with my best-
Fuck.
Exbest-friend.
I wish things were different, I wish he had never raped Claire, I wish he could have stayed that little boy he was when we lived back home, and I wish I had my brother here to comfort me.
I would be lying to myself if I said I didn’t see a shift in him when we went off to college. Maybe it was because he was leaving his mom at home to deal with his dad all alone, or maybe it was because he finally showed his true colours… I guess I’ll never know for sure.
He was good once, pure, happy. His dad was always a piece of shit, but he never let that stop him from being a good person, he never let it affect him.
Maybe it’s the grief talking, but I don’t want this chapter of my life to end. I don’t want to walk away from my home, from Nathan.
I’ve seen a darker side of myself since everything happened, a side that I knew existed, but it stayed deep down where I could barely reach it. Now it’s hitting me harder and harder every day, and I don’t know what to do about it.
I have a better understanding of my brother now. I can see why he fought so hard to be the class clown, to always be the centre of attention… he needed to feel less alone.
The thoughts I have scare me. I try my best to ignore them, but sometimes they get so loud I can’t help but listen to them as they scream through my head.
The scariest one of them all is wishing I could joinJurian and Ian, but I’m too afraid to do it. I’m too afraid to actually commit to doing it, and I can’t tell if I’m thankful or angry for it.
Against my better judgment, I throw off my sheets, walk around the many boxes scattered across my room, and go across the hall.
I stand in the threshold of his room for a second, watching him sleep while tears gather in my eyes.
One last night.
That’s all I need.
A moment later, I’m crawling into bed next to him. He jumps, turning over with a startled expression. “Wha-“
I settle in, rolling onto my side and turning my back towards him, “I’m not ready to lose you too,” I whisper.
The tears start to fall, and they don’t stop. I choke on air as I sob, allowing myself to be comforted by my best friend when he pulls me in and holds me tight.
