There is nothing in this world that will make what he did make sense.
“I lost my job a couple months before your sixth birthday, things were tough and I knew I had you and your mother to provide for. Liquor became my coping mechanism and I fell down a hole, by the time I found a new job I was already a drunk. No one kept me for more than a year, and that just added fuel to my fire.” He looks up at me and I can see tears in his eyes, “I took out my anger on your mother, and I will never forgive myself for it.”
“I’ll never forgive you either.” He doesn’t deserve my forgiveness.
“You didn’t deserve to grow up in a home like that, if I could go back and change everything I would. I hope you know that whether or not I’m in your life, Idolove you, and I really am sorry for everything I did.”
Anger bubbles up in my chest, you don’t treat someone you love like he did, you don’t hit and scream and hurt those that you claim to love. Tears start to form in my eyes and I shove my chair out from underneath me, “I don’t even have photos of myself as a kid, do you know that? Mom and I only took the essentials cause we were in such a hurry to leave.”
“I know,” he whispers.
“I didn’t need you then, and I sure as hell don’t need you now. I hope you treat the next family you have with the love and respect you never gaveus.” It’s all a lie though, I did need him. I so badly wanted my father to be a part of my life and I couldn’t have that. It’s not fair… none of it is.
Storming out of the shop, I slam the door behind me, wincing at how loud it was.
“How’d it go?” Blair asks cautiously as I take a seat in his car.
“We’re going to a bar.”
* * *
Walking into the house, stupid drunk, I can’t help but hate myself. I’m no better than he is, I’m getting drunk to avoid my problems.
“Here, just get some sleep man,” Blair says, laying me down in my bed.
But I don’t want to sleep, I want to curl up into a ball and cry because I’ve turned into the man I hate more than anything. So I lay in my bed for a while, thinking of every stupid memory and every stupid thing I did tonight.
After an hour of tossing and turning, I finally get up and stumble my way downstairs to the kitchen. I go to grab a glass and it slips out of my hand, smashing against the floor into a million little pieces.
“Fuck.”
I try picking up the pieces and cut myself, the stinging sensation brings back memories, the kind where I would do this to myself on purpose. Part of me wants to do it again.
“What happened?” Claire asks groggily, walking into the kitchen.
Tears sting my eyes, “I dropped a glass.”
“Okay” she says, crouching down next to me. She gently grabs the side of my face and forces me to look at her, “let me clean it up later, let’s go sit outside for a second.”
Nodding my head, I grab her hand and let her guide me into the cool night air. We sit on the back porch and I rest my head on her shoulder. When she starts rubbing slow circles on my back, I completely fall apart.
“It’s okay” she whispers me.
I take my head off her shoulder and turn to look at her, “tell me I’m not like him, I need to know I’m nothing like my dad.”
Her eyes grow wide, “Lucas, what are you talking about?”
“Please, I need to know I’m not like him. I know I can be an ass and selfish and rude, but I need to know I’m not becoming the same man who hit my mom.”
She stiffens, her whole body goes rigid and I can see her starting to crack. Her eyes begin to tear up, and when the first one falls she can no longer stop them, “Lucas I’m so sorry.”
“Please pretty girl” I beg.
She quickly wipes her cheeks and holds me close to her, “you are kind, you love your friends more than anything and you’re the first one to protect them when they need it. You are so caring, you are agoodperson and I know you would never hurt someone… not like they hurt me.”
In this moment, all I can do is stare at her. There’s so much she’s not telling me, so much unsaid, and it terrifies me.
twenty-five
