Her eyes grow wide and she blushes even darker than before. Biting her lip she thinks about it for a second before nodding her head.
I lose it and squeal again, jumping on top of her and shaking her shoulders while she laughs.
“My best friend has a crush!” I sing over and over again, laughing along with her.
Just then the door swings open, we both jump from our spots on the couch and Lucas gives us a confused look, “I don’t even want to know” he mutters.
* * *
“Hey, where are you off to?” Miller asks from the kitchen.
“Just heading off to the rink.” I’m really hoping the guys don’t know that it’s closed right now, I don’t want to have to make up some excuse.
“Isn’t it closed?” Blair questions.
Fuck.
“Yeah, but I managed to convince them to let me have ice time tonight.” Lie. The rink keys sitting in my pocket feel heavier, like the universe is trying to remind me how many lies are piling on top of one another.
The nice thing about your parents owning the university arena? You have access twenty-four-seven. None of the employees bat an eye at me, especially if I come in at odd hours. When I’m there after close it’s just a security guard or two, and they mind their own business.
“Do you want company?” Miller looks at me expectantly, and as much as I would like to spend more time with him, I need to clear my head.
“No, thanks though. I just need to get out and do my own thing, next time though” I say, smiling softly at him.
I close the front door behind me as I walk out, getting into the driver's seat of my car and tossing my bag on the passenger side. I rest my head on the steering wheel and blow out a deep breath, I feel so drained.
I have the windows down as I drive, letting the cool night air whirl through the car and hit my skin, relaxing me.
The thoughts about my parents, my brother, the guys, school, all mix around in my head like an awful nightmare. I try to push them back but they won’t leave, so when my skates finally hit the ice, I let all of the emotions flow through me. I let every thought consume me as I glide across the cold surface.
No matter how much I hate my parents, I hate myself even more for caring about what they think. I just want them to be proud of me, I want them to hug me and tell me how proud they are of my accomplishments. That’s why I push myself to my limits every practice, every damn competition. I burn myself out because that’s the only way for me to be good enough for them.
I just want the love I used to have. I want to feel happy when my moms name pops up on my phone, I want to be excited when she calls me. I want my mom to be my mom and not just some woman who provides me with financial support and criticism.
I don’t want to hide who my brother is, I want to be openly proud of him without fear that others are going to use me. I want him to come to my competitions and not have to hide in the corner so he won’t be recognized. I want to go out to dinner with him and not have fifty people come up to us.
I want a normal relationship with my family.
I want to be appreciated for once, I want to do what makes me happy and not have to think about everyone else. I want to be unapologetically me, and have people who love every piece.
I’m so thankful for Steph and Tony, but I want to have a group of friends I can be completely honest with, I don’t want to be a burden to them.
I don’t want to live in fear anymore, I don’t want to wear this mask of happiness around everyone. I want to beseen, I want to beheard.
I come crashing down to the ice when I wobble on the landing of a jump. I don’t even try to get up, I just sit there, letting the cold feeling sink deep into my bones.
I let the tears fall from my eyes and drip onto the ice, I let the sobs wrack out of me, I let myself fall apart in the one place I feel safe. I look up, closing my eyes and let out a gut wrenching scream.
I want to be okay again.
eleven
LUCAS
I’ve never seen anyone skate with such precision and power, it looks like she’s putting everything she has into it. She’s so graceful as she glides across the ice, and the way she can launch herself into the air is incredible.
I know we shouldn’t be here right now, but how can we not be curious? The girl was coming to an empty rink, and we barely know anything about her.
