The silence in my head that I feel when I'm around her is only short-lived. My brain only shuts off for a short period of time until it reboots itself, bringing all of my fears and obsessions back with a vengeance.
I have spent the better part of the past three days in the shower, ridding myself of her taste and her touch, rubbing my skin raw and bloody under scalding hot water.
But in all actuality, I didn't even want to get rid of her scent. I wanted to let it consume me.
If only I could control my thoughts and actions…if only I had a choice…
Jackson snaps his fingers in front of my face, snapping me back to reality. "Did you hear what I said? She's miserable and starving herself."
I give him a small nod. I know she's not been eating. And I know she cries almost every second of every day.
That's because I watch her. Constantly. I'm obsessed with everything about this girl.
I thought I could ignore her and my feelings towards her, but it feels like I'm going through withdrawal from the most powerful and purest drug in the world. Adeline is a cure for a lot of my neuroses, but I'm quickly coming to realize that there is no cure forher.
However, I can't seem to bring myself to go back to her room, to apologize and to make things right.
I know why she's upset. Because I'm a total fucking asshole. I took what I wanted from her…twice…and left her right after, probably making her feel less than a worthless whore.
"I need to apologize to her," I tell Jax. "But I…can't."
"You can't, or you don't know how?" he asks with a knowing smile.
He always was good at reading me. "I tried," I start, but then pause. "Things didn't…end so well between us last time."
He cocks his head to the side as he regards me. "Itsoundedlike things ended well between you two," he says with a chuckle.
"Fucking voyeur," I mutter under my breath, gritting my teeth at his words. "I mean, I left her right after, and she was upset about that." I can only imagine the expression on my face as the wicked thoughts in my head were running rampant. She probably thinks I hate her or don't care about her at all.
But that couldn't be further from the truth…no matter how much I want to deny it and lie to myself.
"Well, locking her in a room twenty-four seven is probably driving the poor girl mad."
I shake my head at him. "I can't just…let her go." I don't even want to dwell on the overwhelming feeling in my chest when I think about her leaving this island…leaving me.
"Then give her something to do…maybe a little bit more freedom, something better than staring at four walls every day." Jax picks at the eggs on his plate and nonchalantly says, "She loves books."
My interest perks up. "She told you that?"
"Yeah," he murmurs around a mouthful of food.
I turn away from him, feeling repulsed. He knows that shit drives me crazy. Just the sound of his lips smacking together and the grinding of his teeth as he chews almost sends me into a tailspin.
Closing my eyes and pinching the bridge of my nose to ward off the dizziness, I ask him, "What kind of books? What are her favorite authors? What kind of genres does she like?" The questions come tumbling out of my mouth in quick succession.
Jax thankfully swallows before he answers me. "She didn't say. She just told me she loves to read and play piano."
I think about the white baby grand sitting in the library. Currently, the shelves are only one-third stocked in the great two-story room. But I could order more.
I could order a hell of a lot more.
Suddenly, I push away from the table and walk out of the room.
"Where you goin'?" Jax calls after me.
"Starting on my apology," I respond before making my way to my office.
* * * * * * *
