Was it?
I replay every moment from the past week, looking for signs I missed. Times I pushed too hard or moved too fast. Moments where she might have felt pressured to continue because backing out would be awkward.
Day one—I got her out when she panicked. That was right. I know that was right.
Day two—same thing. Saw her struggling and removed her from the situation. Gave her space to breathe.
Day three—she initiated the teasing. Asked me to go faster. Won most of our games and seemed to come out of her shell.
Day four—she got drunk. Fuck. Was that it? Did she only feel safe with me because alcohol lowered her inhibitions and was then horrified by what she revealed?
But day five she kissed me sober. Pulled me down for that kiss after we made rainbows, told me she wanted this. Wanted me.
Day six—nervous but excited when she gave me that beautiful wrap. Looked at me like she was hoping for more than friendship.
Day seven—happy. Laughing. Initiated that kiss after the trail ended. Invited me to the feast and stayed pressed against my side all evening.
And last night...
Last night she pulled me inside her cabin with clear intention. Told me she trusted me. Asked me to come inside her, to give her more, to not hold back.
So what changed between sleeping and waking?
I reach the edge of the settlement and keep walking, needing the familiar rhythm of movement to process. Trees rise around me, their branches dotted with new growth with the early spring's arrival. Birds call overhead, oblivious to the fact that my chest feels like it's caving in.
I was so careful. So fucking careful not to push her beyond what she could handle. Checked in constantly, watched her face for any sign of discomfort, made sure she knew she could stop me at any time.
And still, somehow, I pushed too far.
She wasn't ready. I knew she wasn't ready. Weeks of healing don't erase months of trauma. She needed a friend. Needed to feel safe. Needed someone who wouldn't demand more than she could give.
Instead I gave her seven days of increasing intimacy that culminated in taking her to bed while her trust in me was still fragile.
Did I make her feel taken advantage of? Like she owed me something for helping her heal?
The thought makes me physically ill.
Voices carry through the trees ahead—familiar cadences that signal I've wandered toward the practice grounds without meaning to. I should turn around. Go back to my quarters and work through this alone like I always do.
But my feet keep moving forward until the trees clear enough to reveal the sparring ring. Kai and Ursik are already there despite the early hour, circling each other with practice weapons while their breath mists in cool air.
Ursik spots me first, his grin faltering when he gets a good look at my face. "Fuck. What happened?"
Kai lowers his weapon, his ice-blue eyes assessing me with that unnerving perception he pretends not to have. "Ressa?"
Just her name makes my chest tighten. I force myself to nod.
"I thought you two were good after last night," Ursik says, genuine confusion in his tone. "You looked happy at the feast."
"We were." I cross my arms, needing something to do with my hands. "And then this morning she basically told me the week's over so we're done."
Kai's eyebrows rise. "She said that?"
"Not in those exact words. But the meaning was clear." I replay the conversation, each carefully neutral phrase cutting deeper in memory. "Thanked me for being a good partner during the festival. Made it obvious she wants to move on."
"That doesn't make any fucking sense," Ursik says bluntly. "She couldn't take her eyes off you yesterday."
"Well, apparently that was just part of the festival protocol." The bitterness in my voice surprises me. I don't do bitter. Don't do emotional displays that serve no practical purpose.
