I shuffle through papers, avoiding eye contact, hoping to avoid this conversation. It will only bring back the feelings of him pressed against my body and how much I wanted him in that moment. His breath so close to my lips. Heat from his body against my thighs and stomach. Heat from my…
“You saw him yesterday?” Stella asks, interrupting my daydream. Her eyebrows are raised in surprise, or maybe she’s a little hurt that I haven’t mentioned it to her yet.
“You are so going to hook up,” Jess says. “Stella, open your calendar. Let’s get a pool going.”
“We will not hook up,” I say weakly. “He thinks Grant is after me, anyway.”
“Why would he think that?” Stella wrinkles her nose, making the most innocent and confused face.
Jess throws her head back with a loud, hearty laugh. “The Paley Center event,” she tells Stella. “Wyatt saw her talking to Grant, and his possessive instincts kicked in.”
“They did not,” I say. “And he was just saying hi.”
“You went with him toPink Slip, too,” Stella chimes in. “It does seem a little sus.”
“You never told me what happened on that ride home,” Jess says. Both she and Stella are staring at me like they are waiting for story time.
I sigh and lean back in my chair. I might as well get this over with. Wyatt works from our TWA offices twice a week now, and it’s just going to get harder to avoid seeing him. And the more I see him, the more I want to talk to him.
“I asked him why he got back together with Holly.”
Both of my friends are staring at me wide-eyed, like they are afraid to push me for more details but are still dying to know the answer.
“His family has money. They ran in the same circles as Holly’s parents. I guess they wanted Wyatt and Holly back together.”
“And he didn’t think to say no?” Jess asks. “How very arranged marriage of him.”
In my next life, I want to be Jess. She is so confident and no-nonsense. She is always talking about how peopleovercomplicate things and how she hates miscommunication. Though she’s not a grudge holder, she doesn’t have patience for people who won’t step into their truth and take responsibility for their actions.
“I think he was just trying to please his parents. I know he gave up on golf because his dad had a different plan for him. It’s not a stretch that his dad would control other parts of his life, too. But we didn’t get that deep into the conversation.”
In fact, my mind went straight to working out how I could justify forgiving what happened and what it might take to get over the pain he left behind. Maybe I was wrong to think he was all bad? We were so young.
I’ve been telling myself all this time that I must have misunderstood Wyatt’s intentions, the way he wrapped his fingers into mine every time he was near me, how he always had to be touching me. We spent hours laying in the bed of his pickup, sharing stories about our dreams for the future. I told him about the pressure I sometimes felt being the only child. He shared how nervous he was about college. He didn’t want to disappoint his father.
“He was my first,” I tell Stella. Jess already knows.
“Oh, wow. They say you never forget your first,” Stella says in almost a whisper.
It never felt like it was just about the sex. He was perfectly content to just spend time with me, which is why it fucked with my head so much that he seemed to just ditch me to go back to Holly. Did any of it mean anything to him? Was he that good of an actor? Was I totally delusional? Was I just not enough?
But it didn’t matter if he was or wasn’t into me. I was in love with him. Deeply. He was my first and only. I’m realizing he’s likely been the bar for my future relationships—or lack of them.
I know I married Billy, but that was different. Billy was fun. He was the anti-depressant of boyfriends. He was greatcompany and an even better distraction. But we both knew he didn’t check all the boxes.
“So, what happens now?” Jess says, snapping me out of memory lane.
“Nothing. He’s a professional colleague. And that’s it.” I take a bite of my guava strudel and lean back in my chair. I don’t even believe it when I say it, and I can see both Jessica and Stella think I’m full of shit, too. Thankfully, the phone rings, saving me from having to say anything else.
“Oh, hi, Wyatt. Nice to hear from you.” Stella’s eyes are wide as she looks over at me and then back at Jess.
“Lunch? Oh, let me check.” She puts the phone on mute and tells me he’s calling to see if I’m available for lunch. Both ladies are quiet, waiting for me to say something. I want to see him again, but I don’t think it’s a good idea. The more time we spend together, the more I want to be around him, and that’s a problem. It’s weakening my resentment.
“Just book the lunch.”
See how quickly I folded?
I get up from my desk and walk toward the bathroom.
