“So we’ll slow it down.” His expression is so resolute I have to shut my eyes so it won’t sway me. “I swear, Blue, I’m gonna do better. Give me another chance, we’ll figure things out, and—”
Finding a shadow on his shirt collar to focus on, I whisper, “How?”
“What?”
“How do we figure out how to be what each other needs when we don’t even know how to be what we need for ourselves?” I curl my arms around my chest, trying to keep my heart from beating out of me. “You need ... you need to let me go.”
“Let you go?” His nostrils flare, and he curses under his breath. “Ican’tlet you go.You’re ingrained in me now. Don’t you know that?”
I choke on the knot in my throat. My bones are quivering, my skin cold. I don’t know what’s happening to me; how this can be so hard. “You don’t have a choice. Neither of us do.”
His lips smash together, his jaw working side to side. His next words are so low and rough they curl my toes. “Then prove it.”
“Wh-what?”
“You want me to leave, say it like you mean it.” He steps forward, angling his head. Breathing hard. “Because from where I’m standing, you want anything but that.”
My neck and hands are hot. I can’t think. All I have to do is lift onto my toes, and I’ll be kissing him. I could climb up his body and let him soothe all my troubles for me so I won’t have to figure out how to do it myself. With Joshua holding me up, I could run—run away and never stop. I’m seconds away from doing just that when I hear her.
You. Are not. A runner.
Cold chills explode all over.
Find your own two feet.
I suck in a gulp of air. Lift my chin. “Walk away, Joshua. Let me go. It’s the only hope I have of moving forward.”
His brows pull together, chest rising and falling, and I want to scream, to burst, to crumble.
I have to look away. “Please, do this for me. It’s the only thing I ask. P-please, just g-go before I ... before I—”
“Okay.”
My eyes snap to his, a mixture of relief and dread filling me from the tips of my fingers to the base of my spine.
“Okay,” he whispers again, his eyelids lowering. “If this is really what you want ... then okay.” Warm fingers clasp mine, and he brings my hand to his mouth, pressing a gentle kiss to the inside of my palm. Tears stream down my face as I watch, but I don’t make a sound. His eyes lift to mine. “But you listen to me, Bluebell Everest. I’m not going anywhere, you understand? You’re it for me.” He steps back, letting my hand fall to my side. “I’m gonna get my shit together, and one day, whenever that might be ... I’m gonna come back for you. And then I’m gonna marry you.”
My breath hitches, his pupils expand at the sound, then he turns and walks away.
My knees sway. Lungs screaming.
I’m home, with the woods at my fingertips and nature at every corner, but without her, I’m the loneliest I’ve ever been. I’ve never felt sorrow like this, so forceful it leaves me battered and bruised without lifting a hand. If I’ve ever needed someone to hold me up, this is it. As Joshua shuts the door to a truck I’ve never seen before, eyes locked on me when he starts it up, I know without a doubt I could change all this in an instant. I could run to him, and he’d let me crush him with my weight. My grief. My problems. The temptation claws at my insides. But I mold my feet to the ground, willing myself to do nothing but watch as his truck disappears from view.
It isn’t until he’s gone that a whirlwind of regret slaps me in the face.
Wetness on my cheeks. Salt on my lips.
I’m a happy person.
I don’t cry.
But that’s not true. In this moment, I’m anything but happy.
Nothing is okay.
Breathing hard, my hands ball into fists.
For months, nothing has been okay, yet I never said anything to anyone. I told my dad I was okay when a scream was locked inside me. It killed me knowing Joshua held back parts of his life, yet I never told him how I really felt. Mom’s secret bled through her eyes, I saw it countless times, but I always brushed it off.God, I have so much bottled up inside I could cry an ocean. I want to yell. I want to punch something. I want to throw glass just to watch it shatter into a million useless pieces.
