His fist clenches and releases at his side, but his voice is soft when he says, “Blue, I’m ... I’m so sorry.”
“It is what it is, right?”
His frown deepens, and he stares at me harder. Like he’s trying to read my thoughts. “I, uh ...” He rubs the side of his jaw. “I’ve been thinking about you. A lot.”
I smile, but it’s an echo of what it used to be. “I know. For 10,080 minutes.”
The corner of his mouth tips up. “11,520 now, but who’s counting?”
I bite my lip, torn between a laugh and another outburst. “I’ve missed you so much it’s stupid.”
He pushes out a breath. “So fucking much,” he says, soft and rough.
Slowly, almost cautiously, he brushes a wavy lock from my face. His Adam’s apple bobs when I don’t stop him this time, and he inches closer. My neck tingles as he lowers his head. I wish I didn’t want him to kiss me. But I do. So bad. His lips skim mine, and a straggler falls down my cheek. He carefully wipes it away with his thumb.
“I’m so sorry it hurts,” he whispers, and the coarseness in his voice reminds me he’s no stranger to pain. “You don’t deserve it. You never have. Whatever you need, Blue,”—another brush of his lips, and my breath strains—“it’s yours.”
The familiar words are alive on my skin, my pulse thundering in my lips as I part them. He doesn’t close the gap at my invitation. Doesn’t reach for me; doesn’t push or invade. He stays still as a statue, the tendons in his neck standing out as he waits for my move.
Moisture brims above my bottom lashes.
Whatever I need?
Hold me.
Love me.
Fix me.
But her voice is so much louder than mine. Pulling from my core and rattling my soul. So deep a part of me, I can do nothing but listen.
My heart blaring in my ears, I take a step back, and I hear him swallow.
“Joshua, I—” I shake my head, trying to block the budding outburst threatening to shove me aside and take over. “I don’t know what to do. Look at me ... I’m a mess.”
“Who isn’t?”
“No.” I wipe my eyes, looking away, but it’s useless. It’s already started again. “No, this is more than that. I’ve always had someone to lean on. My mom, Benji, now my dad and you. I’ve never had to face anything on my own. Not like you, not really. Without you, without my mom, I don’t even know who I am.”
When I meet his gaze, the look in his eyes is a bullet to my gut. “Without me?” He moves forward, getting as close as possible without physically touching me. “You don’t have to be without me, Blue. I’m yours.”
My throat is tight, my chest on fire. “You ... you’re amazing, Joshua. So amazing.” I can’t breathe. “But ... I think ... I think we need to be on our own. To figure out who we are. H-how to stand on our own two feet. O-or at least, I do. I ... I need to grow up.”
An uneven exhale leaves his lips. His eyes eat up every inch of my face. He doesn’t say anything, but he doesn’t have to. For the first time since I’ve known him, Joshua Hunt is an open book, letting his guard down despite how many hits he’s already taken. And all I can do is turn him away. I can’t stand myself right now.
“Please go,” I push out, and he winces. “Please. It’s only going to get harder.”
His gaze floats to mine. “That’s really what you want?”
I breathe in. Clasp my hands to keep them from trembling. “No. But I think it’s what I need.”
His brows pull together. He squints, watching me closely, and I can’t take it. That heavy look brings his fingerprints to the surface of my skin, reigniting every touch—strong hands cradling my face, hot breath fanning over my neck, the warm brush of his lips. Every word, secret smile, and stolen kiss between classes. Every skip of my heart and buzz in my head.
I know I’ve messed up when a flicker of hope crosses through his eyes. He’s not the only open book right now.
He reaches for me—
“Don’t.” It’s a whisper, a broken plea, but that’s all it takes for every muscle in his body to go rigid, and I don’t know if I’m crestfallen or grateful for it. My heart is at war with my head, and if he reaches for me one more time, I know which side will win. “It’s too hard. Everything ... it’s happening too fast.”
