I press on. “So you could fight it. Pretend it’s something less than it is. Push me away. But I’m not going anywhere. I’m going to find a way to get you out of there. To get you here, where you belong. Where you can live the life you deserve to live. Because you do deserve it, Enzo.” My voice quivers, eyes watering as I try to keep the tears from spilling. To stay strong for him. “You deserve so, so much. So much more than me.”
There’s a glimmer in his gaze, a glint from the emotion he struggles to keep hidden. When his hand comes up, his thumb brushing over my bottom lip in that tender way only he can manage, I breathe out a sigh and my eyes flutter closed.God, I need you, Enzo. If only you knew how much I need you.
He’s quiet, gentle, when he responds, the smoothness pouring into my chest like creamy, melted chocolate. “There are so many things I could stand here and tell you. So much I want to say, but I won’t. I won’t tell you how much I wish I could kiss you right now. How I just want to hold you and never let go. I won’t tell you how you make me fucking crazy. How you’re the only thing I know now, the only thing I ever want to know. And I definitely won’t tell you Iwantthe darkness to take me back, make me forget again, so it won’t kill me so much to be away from you.”
I don’t know when my fingers wrapped themselves around the hand grazing my lips, but I feel it when they tremble against his. The tremble continues down my spine, making my body shake as tears pour over.
His eyes follow the stream, dropping to my lips as they do, and he wipes it away with a soft, slow swipe of his thumb. “But I will tell you this isn’t something for you to fix. That your life, yourreallife, begins now. I’m walking away tonight, Lou.” There’s no shred of doubt on his face. Nothing but a calm, solid certainty that I know cannot be breeched. “And this time . . . this time I won’t be coming back. So don’t try to find me.”
He pulls back, taking what’s left of my heart with him. With each step he takes away from me, he fades a little more. With each step he takes away from me, an empty echo reverberates in my chest.
Reminding me of what I’ve lost.
Chapter 46
The cold waterI splash on my face does nothing to clear my mind. I look up, hardly recognizing the girl in my reflection. She stares at me with dazed brown eyes, dark circles shadowing them. Her lips are pale, just like her skin, and her hair falls wild and thick down her back. She’s tired and broken in ways she never knew she could be.
I didn’t sleep last night. Didn’t even try. But I did spend every second of every hour thinking of ways to get through to him. To get him to come back to me. Yet here I stand, almost fourteen hours later, still achingly aware that nothing will change his mind. Nothing will bring him back to me.
With shaky fingers, I button the coat I’ve slipped on. I’m going to Mr. Blackwood. I’m going to tell him everything and get him to help me. To help Enzo. Yes, I realize it’s probably useless. Yes, I realize that if Mr. Blackwood couldn’t figure it out over the past twenty plus years, he won’t figure it out over the next few days. Or even weeks. Or maybe ever. But I can’t give up. I can’t let go.
I won’t.
I head into the hall, my body almost numb as I make my way down the stairs. I’m almost to the main floor when a familiar, bubbly giggle hits my ears. The sound has me tensing, making me all too aware of how disconnected I feel from reality right now.
The first thing I see is Claire’s blonde hair, straight and sleek as usual. She’s in a purple cardigan, with a color-coordinated ribbon around her ponytail and matching purple flats. She looks like she’s doing a little better. I almost find it in me to smile.
Almost.
“Lou! Morning, sleepyhead.” She nudges my elbow then gestures to the person on the other side of the desk.
Bobby’s standing there, a soft smile on his face as his eyes linger on her. He tears his gaze away to turn to me, then lets out a low whistle as he looks me up and down. “You know I love you, but you look like hell.”
“Thanks.”
Claire’s mouth twists into a frown as she observes the same thing as Bobby. “Hey, you okay?”
“No. How about you?”
She smiles softly, but I can see the sadness hasn’t totally left her eyes. “I’ll get there.” I take her hand and give it a little squeeze. At least that makes one of us. “So Bobby came by to see you.”
I shoot him a look that says I’m not up for chitchat, and he holds his hands up in mock surrender. “Whoa there, obviously not the best time. Just lettin’ you know I’m going home in two weeks.”
“You are?” The words take me by surprise, and an unexpected wave of uneasiness hits me. I know it’s selfish, but I was just getting used to having him here with me. Being my friend again, like he was all those years ago. I don’t know if I can lose another person in my life right now. “Why two weeks?”
He shrugs. “Gotta wrap up the contract on the temp job I picked up in the city. Otherwise that’d be plain irresponsible, and you know it’s against my nature to be irresponsible.”
My lips twitch up, and a grin stretches across his face as he points an accusing finger. “Ha! Gotcha.”
I roll my eyes, ignoring Claire’s matching grin. “Shut up.”
“Nah, seriously though. What’s going on with you?”
“I don’t want to talk about it. In fact,” I stop and gesture toward the clock hanging behind the desk, “I gotta go.”
Claire grabs my hand just as I take the first step. “Come see me later. When you’re ready to talk about it. Okay?”
I don’t answer for a minute, because I don’t know what to say. That I’ll never be able to tell her? That there’s no way she’d understand what’s going on with me? The realization alone deepens the ache in my barren chest, but eventually I nod. “Okay.”
