I want him cooking with me, barefoot in our kitchen while pasta boils on the stove. I want him to yell at me for putting wet towels on the floor. I want to kiss him after every stupid fight.
I want to hear him laugh in rooms we haven't even lived in yet. I want to fall asleep next to him for the rest of my life.
I'm gonna miss the way he looks at me when I'm inside him, that dazed, ruined look in his eyes when he's so far gone he can't even speak, just gasps my name and clings to me. And yeah, the way his thighs tighten around my waist when I hit that spot.
The way he scratches at my back and pulls my hair like he needs more, always more. That little gasp he makes when I bite his collarbone. I'm addicted to that shit. But it's not just that.
It's not just the sex, even if that's heaven on earth. It's the way he always crawls on top of me after. Messy hair, swollen lips, that soft sleepy grin. The way he tugs the sheet up and hides under it like he's embarrassed, even though he just screamed my name twenty minutes ago. I live for that.
It's the way he lays on my chest and draws little circles with his fingers while I try not to cry like an idiot. The way he says "baby" when he's half asleep. The way he lets me hold him.
I'll miss that more than anything. The warmth of his skin against mine. The weight of his body when he's tired and just throws himself on top of me like I'm his mattress.
The sound of his heartbeat under my palm. I'll miss brushing the hair out of his face. Kissing the tip of his nose. Telling him he's safe.
I wanna be there when he has a nightmare. I wanna be there when he passes his exams. I wanna be there when he's sick anddramatic and wants to be babied. I wanna bring him soup and stroke his hair and tell him he's still pretty even with tissues stuffed up his nose. Rolling his eyes when I call him sexy with a mouth full of toothpaste.
God, I'm going to cry like a loser. I want all of it. Every single version of him. The fucked out, blissed out, passed out on my chest version.
He's mine. And I'm his. Ride or Die.
And I swear to God I'll bring him back soon.
…
After what felt like a lifetime of talking, about everything and nothing, about stupid memories and impossible dreams, about what we'd miss and what we'd never forget, and after what felt like even more hours of kisses, of soft grazes, of our hands memorizing every inch of each other like they were scared to forget, it is 6AM.
The sky is starting to shift. The first colors of sunrise are creeping above the water. That terrible day, the one we've been pretending doesn't exist, is here. Actually here.
Rava is lying on top of me while his fingers are lazily running up and down my side. "How are we not tired?" he whispers.
I shake my head. "I don't know…but I like it." And then I kiss him. It isn't soft this time. It isn't lazy or playful.
It is heavy. A goodbye in disguise.
We both know. We don't say it, but we know.
I grab the back of his head and deepen the kiss, rolling us so he's underneath me. The moment our lips break, I stay there, staring at him like he's my whole damn world. Because he is.
My hand slowly slides down from his chest to his stomach. I don't rush it. Don't say a word. He looks up at me. Nods once. And that's all I need.
I lean down and kiss him again, this time slower.
Full of everything I literally don't know how to say. I'm going to make sure he feels every ounce of love I've been too scared to put into words sometimes.
I don't want to fuck him. Not this time.
I want to make love to him. The kind that's slow and selfish. I kiss his neck. Then his jaw. Then lower.
When I reach the waistband of his swim trunks, I pause. He watches me. Then I slide them down slow. His thighs shift slightly.
I bend lower and kiss his hipbone. Then lower. He lets out a soft sound, and I get goosebumps. But I'm not rushing. I drag my slicked fingers down, letting him know before going any further.
I begin to work him open as gently and as carefully as I can, because he deserves this. He bites his lip. His whole body tenses under mine.
"You okay?" I whisper.
He nods. "Yeah… keep going."
