“It freaked me out, it fucked with my head, and betweenthatand Kayla…I started to push you away. I thought maybe we needed more space between us in order to have our own personal lives.” He pauses again, looking thoughtful. “I guess, in a way, I was right. There’s no way I can have another woman in my life when you take up so much of it, Gem. I just had it backward. I don’t need any other woman in my life, Gem. You’re everything I was out there looking for.”
My mouth works to take a shaky inhale, my lungs are still struggling to cooperate. My hands are trembling from the shock of what he’s telling me. Pieces are starting to click into place, and while I don’t agree with how he handled things, Iamstarting to see how it all happened.
“Then you started dating someone. It had been so long since you had dated, and I never really saw you with any of those guys, either. Hearing about this guy, thinking of you with him…it made me go nuts, but I didn’t know why. It’s like you were alwaysmyGem, and in this short time…you weren’t anymore. I had some other girl there, and you were giving so much of your attention to someone else. I don’t know what to say other than I wasn’t prepared for what that would do to me, how much that fucking wrecked me. I know I was an asshole, Gem. I fucking was. I’ve never been more embarrassed in my life than I am of how I acted toward you in those weeks. One of the things I’ve realized the most is that I’m not me when you’re not in my life. You’re what keeps meme. I’m sure that’s not healthy, there’s probably a dozen labels for it, but I don’t care. It’s always beenyou and me. Because that’s how it’ssupposedto be. We’re a set, you and I. Take us apart… Well, you seemed to do amazing on your own. But not me. Without you… I’m not the person I like to think I am. You’ve always been who I’ve turned to when things got tough. And things were never tougher than when I didn’t have you in my life.”
The tears are running down my cheeks at this point, but I don’t try to stop them, or catch them. They freely roll off of my face and splash onto my forearms below. My eyes are locked on his, absorbing every sentiment he’s sharing with me, and my heart is unlocking for him with every word. Allowing him back to his rightful place, where he can settle in, make himself at home, because I don’t want us to be apart again, either.
“I’m so, so sorry for my behavior, for what it did to you, how it made you doubt yourself, and us, but mostly yourself. You’re the most selfless person I’ve ever met, you’re so fucking strong, so brilliant, have I mentioned so goddamn beautiful?” My face heats again, and my head turns to the side, suddenly finding the black TV screensointeresting. “And I crushed that in you. I took those things away from you. And I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to apologize enough for that. But I’m trying. To be honest, even if you end up forgiving me for it, I doubt I ever will.”
My eyes shoot back to his, taking in the dismay in them, the responsibility he feels for what he did to me, to us. My hands seek his out automatically, and I grip them both in my hands as he keeps talking.
“I don’t have an excuse for hitting on you when you had a boyfriend. For trying to make a move on you. I’ve never been hit with jealousy like that in my life, and I couldn’t explain it to you if I tried, Gem. I’ve beat myself up about it every single day since I realized all this. And it still doesn’t make sense to me. All I could think at the time was you belonged withme, and thatscared me. But I wasn’t willing to lose you to someone else when I was just finally starting to see you.”
He pauses to take in another huge breath, sighing as it comes out. Like he’s psyching himself up to keep getting this out. I rub his hands encouragingly with my thumbs a couple of times, and his eyes look down, a small smile gracing one corner of his mouth, and he continues.
“I guess you could call that rock bottom for me. I went to my mom after we had that night together here.” His head nods down toward the couch, the coffee table. “I came clean on everything to her.” He pauses, bouncing his head back and forth a few times in thought. “Well, I didn’t tell her the part about how I came super hard all over my shower wall thinking about your ass.” A laugh tumbles out of me unexpectedly, partially in disbelief of him speaking so frankly, so dirty, about me, and partially in rejection of him telling that to hismotherwho might as well be my second mom. Also, did I mention that’s his freaking mother? For at least the fourth time in the last half hour, my face flushes. He notices and shoots me a smirk.
“But I told her all the rest of it.” His voice, his face is somber again. His thumbs run over the backs of my hands where ours are connected. “She made me see how fucked up it all was. She, uh, she kinda let me have it. Made me realize for myself how it’s you that I want, and how badly I hurt you. All the ways you deserve someone better. I’ve never been so freaked out, so fucked up, in my life as that talk with her. But she pushed me through it. And for the first time, I got clarity. For me. I got my head on straight. It was like everything clicked into place, once I realized you were it for me… It all makes sense now. What I want, what you deserve, what I’d do to make sure you get it.”
He looks up at me from below those lashes of his, almost shyly, and my heart has no walls—not even a decorative fence—left around it. This man has full access to all of me, anything he wants, he can have it.
Maybe I’m stupid for being so quick to forgive him, but I can’t help but feel for what he’s shared with me. I can all too easily picture him, his confusion, his panic, struggling to make sense of things between us. My softest spot has always been for this man in front of me, and I don’t want that space forced in and jammed between us anymore. It’s unnatural, doesn’t belong there.
He places my hands back in my lap, gently, putting more of that cursed space there when he withdraws back to his side of the tiny gray couch. “I don’t blame you for losing faith in us, Gem. For doubting that I was the man worthy of your love for all those years. But I’ll carry the torch for both of us now, for as long as you need me to. Getting clarity on what I wanted in life, how you’re the only thing I need to be truly happy in this life… It’s made me a very patient man. A very certain one. So I’ll be here, madly in love with you, supporting you however I can, in any way you need me to, okay?”
My stomach erupts with butterflies taking flight at hearing those words from his lips. My eyes water newly, and I trace every detail of his face, his appearance, to remember this moment forever. And still, he keeps talking, melting any shred of resistance that might possibly still exist somewhere within me.
“I want to make it clear to you just how clearly I see you now. Make sure you know that I know exactly what I want. You were always my forever, Gem, it just took me a while to realize it. I’m sorry for making you wait so long for it to start.”
My head drops into my hands and the only word I can use to describe what’s happening now isweep. I am openly weeping in front of the love of my life, like an idiot. Not responding to the words I’ve waited half my life to hear, not jumping into hislap and claiming him for mine. Just…letting the years of longing, pining, wishing find solace in his apologies, his promise.
He leans forward to wrap me in his arms, so I drop my hands, press my face into his neck, his chest, soaking in the smell of him, the feel of his body against mine. My words are failing me, but my body isn’t. I bring my hands up to clutch at his arms where they’re wrapped around me, holding him as tightly as I can while I breathe him in. Make sure he knowsIknow we belong together.
One of his hands holds the back of my head, pressing me to him, while the other rubs up and down my back soothingly. My tears slow and eventually stop altogether as I feel the press of his lips against the side of my head. A chill breaks out up my spine and works its way out through my limbs, replacing the tears with an awareness brewing within me of every inch of contact between us. Everywhere wearen’tconnected yet. A pulsing starts between my legs, which sparks with desire every time our bodies rock a little in this embrace, resulting in friction along my peaked nipples. Another chill of an entirely different kind runs up and down my body, and the anticipation, the longing, has me breathless.
After another torturous minute, he places one more firm kiss to the side of my head and pulls back from me. His hands stay on me, though. He places them on either side of my face, one hand gripping each cheek with a reverence I will cherish every time I look back on this night. And I realize this is it. This is where our lips finally,finallymeet, and our forever actually starts. I lick mine in anticipation, and stare at him expectantly. And his mouth? Starts moving. But not against mine.
“As much as I want you, as much as I hope I can win you over, get us back to a point where we’re each other’s happy place—the port in the storm, the favorite hideaway—I can only pray that eventually, I’ll work my way back into that top spot in yourheart. Find a way to convince you that you were right about us all along. Get you to give me a chance to make you as happy as I know I can.”
You’ve already done all that,a voice in my head screams. But my mouth says nothing.
I feel a watery smile on my face, and it’s met by one of his own. One that’s pure, full of adoration and a respect I didn’t realize I needed to see from him until this moment. He pulls his hands back, and my chest leans forward, chasing the contact I’m already missing.
“I need you to know that as many times as I’ll be tempted to touch you, hold you, kiss you during however long this takes…I won’t. Not as anything more than friends, at least. Just know that I’ll be thinking of you as a lot more than a friend. And my thoughts are far, far beyond friendly when it comes to you, Gem.” He pauses there, running his eyes down my body, over my chest, my stomach, the small curvature of my hips, even down my scrawny legs, before he drags them back up again. He licks that tempting bottom lip of his and shakes his head sorrowfully, clenching one of his hands repeatedly, like it’s taking effort not to put it to use right now. God, I wish he would. And then he crushes me with his next line.“I promise I won’t make another move on you. Not until you ask me to.”
Of all the time to lose my words, this has to be the worst of them. I want to tell him he doesn’t have to wait, that I want him to make a movenow, we’ve waited long enough to see the light and get our shit together. But before I can find my voice, he’s standing up, stepping back from me, not hearing the screaming within my heart, that I don’twantdistance between us. I want him, as near and close as I can get him, forever.
“This is an ongoing thing, Gem. This self-improvement shit. It’s a forever thing. I know I’m nowhere near the man I want to be. But I can see him off in the distance, and I’m getting closer tohim every week. That goalpost will probably keep moving farther away—the more we evolve, the better of a man I’ll aspire to be—but I promise you, Gem. I’ll never stop chasing it, never stop trying to become the man you deserve. No matter how long it takes for you to forgive me. This…this is my life now. I’m going to earn your love this time.”
And with one more sad smile my way, he’s out my door, leaving me slumped alone on the couch. Which means he doesn’t hear my whispered words.
“You already have, kid.”
THIRTY-TWO
AARON
I had to get out of there last night.
