He couldn’t allow her to do it. Even if she wouldn’t be his, even if she wouldn’t hear his heart or accept it he had to let her know what he wanted. Which was her. Forever.
He sucked in a shaky breath and blinked at a sting of joyful tears. He would tell her his heart.
And he couldn’t wait to do that and hope that she could somehow gift him with the return of her own.
CHAPTER21
When Evelina turned into her drive at eight-thirty the next morning, she wasn’t prepared for what awaited her. She’d meant to come home after her night with Arabella and Silas, prepare herself in her best armor, force herself to eat something to settle her stomach and then wait for Southwater to call.
What she would do when that happened, she still didn’t know. But she thought she’d have time to ponder as she waited for their ten o’clock appointment.
But his carriage was already there, sat in the circular drive. Her heart throbbed as she smoothed her skirt and forced a smile for the footman who assisted her down when she arrived.
Southwater got out of his carriage just as she did and gave her what looked to be a slight expression of annoyance before he wiped it away and smiled. God, had his smile always been so cold? Had she simply been blind to it and to everything negative about him?
Now that she had a point of comparison so fine as Vaughn, this man didn’t live up to even a fraction.
“Your Grace,” she said as she nodded at Parsons as he opened the door. “I-I didn’t expect you until ten.”
“I decided we needed to have this out earlier. Where have you been?” Without asking her leave, he took her arm and guided her up the stairs. When Parsons took a breath to greet them, Southwater waved his hand. “We need nothing, don’t disturb us.”
When he tugged her into the parlor, she yanked her arm away at last. “This is not your home, Southwater. You’ve no right to speak to my servants that way.”
He arched a brow. “I’ve the right as their better to speak to them any way I desire, my dear. And this isn’tyourhome, either. It’s Arabella’s. I wonder why she didn’t sell it, why Windham didn’t force her to do it to erase her sordid history, but here we are.”
She folded her arms. “Silas loves my sister. He doesn’t see her past as something that requires erasing. He accepts her in every way.”
Southwater’s brow wrinkled and it was as if he didn’t speak the same language she did. He sighed. “Well, that is very good for them. I’ll give them my most sincere felicitations once we have worked all this out. But I’m here now and so we should focus on us, don’t you think?”
“Us,” she said softly, the word tasting bitter on her tongue. She had spent so much time in the last two years thinking about them as an “us”, planning for them as an “us”. She’d taken great pleasure in the stability those dreams had falsely created.
But now, staring at him from across the parlor, she didn’t feel anything when he said the word. Nothing except the question of what she could leverage for Vaughn with whatever happened next.
“If Windham can forget Arabella’s past, certainly we can forget the recent unpleasantness, can’t we? Especially if my apologies came with an increase in your pin money and a return to your home.”
She tilted her head. “You would evict Lady Blackburn so easily as you did me?”
He shrugged. “She’ll find her way.”
“Jesus,” Evelina whispered under her breath as his casual cruelty wrapped its icy tendrils around her. “You know, I think I’m glad you have been so selfish as to spring this conversation on me early. I think you must have believed that taking me off guard would make me more likely to fall into your traps, but instead it only makes me more capable of seeing through your act.”
He scowled. “My act?”
“You don’t want me,” she whispered. “I think now that you never did. Not truly.”
“Of course I did,” he said, and sounded confused. “Arabella had a protector at the time and that made you the most sought-after courtesan in London. Having you on my arm was a point of great pride for me. I’ve always wanted you.”
She blinked. Even now he was so selfish that he could only couch this declaration of desire in terms of himself. What she brought tohim, whathewanted, whathe’dlooked for. Nothing was about her and her heart. Christ, he made it sound like he might have even gone for Arabella rather than her if that had been an option, because at the time her sister had been the more desirable option.
“And yet you threw me away like rubbish in the gutter,” she said softly. “Even now, you only ask for me back because your cruel machinations have destroyed any semblance of respectability you had. And you see that thetonsomehow supports Vaughn and I coming together. You think you can regain something of your reputation by returning your so-called affection to me. You’d probably blame Lady Blackburn for the whole affair and let her burn without you.”
“Well, she did make convincing arguments,” he said.
Evelina held up a hand. “Stop. You forget one thing, Harry. What thetonsees, what is real and true, is that Vaughn and I were the two injured parties in your betrayal. We came together with certain goals in mind, but we always offered each other support, solace.” Her eyes filled with tears as she thought of how Vaughn looked at her. “Peace. You can’t manufacture that. And even if you could, I don’t think I couldeverforget what you did. Not to me. I’ve come to accept that. But I would never be able to look at you and not see what you did to him.”
Southwater’s glare darkened further. “Him. You are so protective of him.”
She smiled a little. “Oh yes. I would doanythingto protect him. Well, almost anything. Not this. Not you.”
