His brow wrinkled. “You don’t see it as the same?”
She hesitated. “I do. Please, let me be clear, I don’t hate my choice. I’ve enjoyed the company of many of the men who have protected me over the years. And I enjoy sex and passion.”
There was relief on his expression. “Good. I would hate to think that anything I’ve done beyond what just happened has been damaging.”
“Oh no,” she said. “Youare a pleasure. A pure, unadulterated pleasure that I dream about and will likely dream about for a long time after it’s over.”
“It’s the same for me.”
“But as much as I accepted and grew to enjoy my choice, it’s never been as comfortable as it was for Arabella.” She sighed. “And my sister’s ability to read people was never as fully developed in me as it was in her. So I didn’t see the truth about…abouthimuntil it was too late.”
“Who was he?” he asked.
She swallowed. “Normally I wouldn’t tell you, but my list of lovers is public. You’d discover it on your own if I didn’t share it.”
“Not if you told me not to,” he said.
She blinked. Here was this man telling her he wouldn’t invade her privacy, despite her position in the world and his. “I think you wouldn’t,” she whispered. “That you are somehow so uncommonly decent that you’d keep your word.”
“I don’t know about uncommonly decent. My first thought when you told me someone hurt you was to find him and rip him apart limb from limb.” He said it calmly, but she saw the flash in his stare, a protective darkness that said he would do that for her, too, if she asked.
It reminded her of Arabella and her protective streak.
“It wouldn’t do any good except to make you more of a topic of gossip,” she said softly. “His name is Gerard Brightling.”
“Viscount Brightling’s grandson?” Vaughn said.
She nodded. “Yes. On paper he was a good catch. Not in line to inherit the title, but a man of good fortune and breeding. He was young and charismatic, as well. Handsome enough. He liked to take me out to his clubs to show me off like I was a jewel in his crown. But when others showed any interest, he would go into jealous rages. Blame me for it.”
Vaughn’s nostrils flared, but he didn’t interrupt, so she continued, mostly because the words kept pouring out, as if something had been loosened. “I realized it wasn’t a good fit and I was trying to extract myself the first time he…he trapped me. We’d been at a play and my gown was very complicated. I needed a maid to get it fastened but he’d sent her away. Normally he’d help me dress, but he refused. I couldn’t leave unless I wanted to run naked down the street, since he also refused to allow me the use of his carriage.”
Waves of nausea washed over her. “So I stayed. And I did what he wanted and after a day he let me go home. There were flowers and apologies and promises and I was so humiliated that I couldn’t move. Couldn’t walk away. He was kind for a while afterward and I started to convince myself that I’d misunderstood.”
Vaughn’s eyes came shut and he reached out to take her hand. “But you hadn’t.”
“No. The next time it happened, I did try to dress myself against his wishes and he struck me. Hard enough that I bruised and couldn’t go out for a week afterward. And then he?—”
She cut herself off. The memories of that night washed over her, ripped through her, and it was like she was still there in that chamber that had looked so pretty and had been so horrible. She could recall everything that man had done to her and everything he’d said and called her while he did it.
“He forced you,” Vaughn said softly.
She nodded. “Until he was finished and then he let me go again. I couldn’t hide the bruise. Arabella and Julia saw it. Arabella used her protector at the time to help me get free. Brightling’s grandfather was told of his behavior and apparently it wasn’t the first time he’d harmed a lady. It was covered up and he let me go and went away to the continent for a while. And I moved on.”
“So he harmed you and got a Grand Tour as reward,” Vaughn said softly.
She shrugged. “Yes, I suppose that’s the way of the world.”
“It shouldn’t be,” he said, and his righteous anger for her felt good somehow. “My God, he should have been flayed for doing such a thing. He should have been shunned.”
“It’s a pretty idea that there would be consequences for such behavior, but sometimes that’s not the way. The courtesans mostly avoid him, they know about him. He’s married now, of course, no protectingher. But I hear she’s put him deeply in debt.”
“Sounds like she deserves whatever she spends to put up with him,” Vaughn said. “I’m so sorry, Evelina. And I’m sorry that my playing tonight put you to mind of that horror. I would never have doneanythingto do that to you.”
She stared at him a long time, drinking in every line of him. “No, I think you wouldn’t.” She sighed. “I suppose…I suppose what I went through is perhaps part of why I didn’t see that Harry was untrue. He was my next protector after Brightling and he was so calm and steady. He also offered this grand future that looked so fine on paper. I wouldn’t be his duchess, but I’d be his partner for life. I’d never have to risk another protector who could turn on me. And since he never once put a hand on me in violence, I ignored some of the other unsavory moments. I tried to push away the negative feelings.”
His expression softened. “I understand that.”
She dipped her head and now that all the pain was poured out, the humiliation that she’d allowed such a weakness rushed forward and took over. “God, you must be sorry you asked. A gentleman has a mistress so that he may be light and comfortable, not so that he can listen to her cry about her past.”
