Things that were most definitely out of reach. Unlike the bottle he intended to take to his bed so he’d forget them.
CHAPTER12
Lily stood on the portico of the manor house the next morning, watching as a carriage rolled up the drive. Under normal circumstances, she would have been thrilled to welcome the arrival of her friends to the party. Especially since she and Lockhart had agreed to use the additional guests to create distance between them.
But as she watched Esme exit the carriage, balancing on her husband’s hand before she rested a palm on her pregnant stomach, Lily could only feel fear. Her friend was too observant not to see there was something wrong. She would ask questions. When she found out the answers, because shewouldfind them out, her feelings for Lily would have to change. How could they not after what Lily had done?
Still, she forced a smile as Esme’s sister-in-law and brother-in-law joined the Delacourts on the drive. The Earl and Countess of Ramsbury were as in love as Esme and Finn. And just as kind and accepting people.
Right now all of that felt stifling.
She watched as the group greeted the others, shaking hands and exchanging hugs and everyone was talking at once. Marianne and Esme were already close to Clarissa and had welcomed her into their circle after her marriage. They were immediately just as friendly toward Alice, drawing her in and making her sister’s cheeks bright with their compliments. It was clear it put Alice at ease, for which Lily adored them. They’d be a fine circle of friends, and she would be…well, she’d be on the outside, wouldn’t she? Even though she’d be included, she wouldn’t have what they had. And she would always be sharply reminded of what she’d done and lost when she was with them all.
She shook away those maudlin thoughts as best she could and tried to keep the smile on her face. Soon, Esme’s gaze fell on her and her friend broke from the chatting crowd and came to her. Esme wrapped her arms around her and gave her the tightest hug she could with her child separating them.
“You look beautiful,” Lily managed to squeak out. “Glowing.”
Esme leaned back and her sharp gaze rolled over Lily in one sweep. “And you look…what is wrong?”
“Oh, damn you,” Lily said, almost laughing when what she really wished to do was have a good, hard cry. “Don’t start with that.”
Esme didn’t smile, but wrinkled her brow. “What is it?” she asked again, dropping her voice even lower so no one would overhear.
Lily shut her eyes briefly and immediately Esme caught her arm and called to the others. “My dearest Lily and I are going to take a walk in the garden so I might stretch my legs. We’ll join you all for tea shortly.” She hauled her off without awaiting a response. Once they’d moved away a few steps, Esme leaned in closer and whispered, “Now, what is the best way to get to the garden?”
Lily didn’t argue or fight her, just drew her around the back of the house and into the garden behind it. They moved onto the paths and Esme’s grip tightened on her arm.
“Obviously something has happened,” Esme said. “I can see it all over your face. I’m certain you’ve had no one to talk to about whatever it is since your arrival. I know you too well to think you’d trouble your sister when she’s so close to her wedding and God knows that wicked stepmother of yours is no support. So tell me.”
Lily managed to detach herself from her friend and moved to a bench in the middle of the garden. With a sigh, she sat down and rubbed a hand over her face. What Esme offered was the most torturous temptation. She wanted and feared it in equal measure.
“Lily!” Esme’s tone was sharper now, laced with fear not just concern.
“If I tell you,” Lily finally gasped out, “you’ll surely despise me for what I’ve done.”
Esme’s eyes went wide at that suggestion. She approached more carefully now, as if she saw Lily as a wounded animal who needed to be treated with care. Funny, for that was just how she felt.
She joined Lily on the bench and turned a little to fully face her. “When I was gone, missing all those years, I spent some time as a lightskirt in parts of London you’ve probably never visited, nor even heard of,” she said without preamble. “And when I couldn’t bear that anymore, I became a popular female pugilist. And then I met Finn at the Donville Masquerade and he pulled away all my masks. Literally and figuratively. Which is how I ended up head over heels in love and back home.”
Lily stared at her in stunned silence, mouth dropped open in the most unladylike fashion thanks to the shock of what she’d just heard. There had been a great deal of speculation about her friend’s whereabouts during a long absence from Society. Lily had feared for Esme’s safety during that dark time, even sometimes wondered if she were still alive. When her friend returned, even when she’d insisted on being called Esme, a shortened version of her middle name rather than Charlotte, which was what she’d been known as her entire life before, Lily hadn’t pushed. She hadn’t wanted to cause any pain or make things worse, especially when Esme was so happy with her life at present.
But now her friend spilled it all out, chin lifted and shoulders straight.
“I cannot believe it,” Lily breathed at last. “Oh, Esme, how awful.”
“Some of it was,” Esme said with a little shrug. “And much of it wasn’t. It changed me, it scarred me…but it also shaped me into what I am today and brought me to this life. So I wouldn’t change a thing, good or bad. Now that you know the truth, the secrets I’ve kept from you, doyoudespiseme?”
She asked the question with great confidence, but Lily saw a little flash of fear in Esme. She was offering vulnerability and it wasn’t given lightly. Lily took her friend’s hand. “I couldnever.”
Esme’s expression softened. “Then please trust that I could alsoneverdespise you for anything you’ve done. It can’t be more shocking than what I just told you.”
Lily bent her head. “And yet you might be wrong.”
Esme’s concern returned. “Great God, Lily, you’re truly starting to frighten me. Please tell me.”
Lily let out her breath, dropped her voice and then told Esme everything. She told her about her night at the Donville Masquerade and the man who had made every wicked dream she’d never dared acknowledge come true. And she told her what had happened when she realized that same man was the very one marrying her sister.
She let it all fall away, fighting tears with every word and finally let out a shaky sigh when she finished. Esme was staring at her with much the same shocked expression as Lily had felt on her own face just a moment before. At last Esme shook her head.
