But Marianne had scrambled everything he thought of himself in a moment when she’d said she hadn’t expected life to have color. That he had put that color into her world.
The idea thathecould do that for her was…magical. It puffed up his chest, it made him want to find more ways to do it. It made him want to be different than the way he presented himself to those around him.
Which was reason enough to stop toying with Marianne, even without the added issue of Delacourt and his edict for Sebastian all those years ago. He couldn’t be the color in Marianne’s world. He would let her down if he tried. She would break and he would hate himself more than he already did. And so would her brother.
He had to forget her taste, forget the feel of her arching beneath him, moaning for more. He had to forget her kindness and sweetness and the way she looked at him like he could pull the moon down and give it to her. Like she could make him want to.
He had to forget it all and then he would survive, as he’d always fought to survive.
CHAPTER 12
Delacourt’s fist slid across Sebastian’s chin and it was only that his friend held back that kept him from being knocked on his arse in the middle of the ring.
“Jesus,” Delacourt barked. “Keep your hands up, you’re acting like you’ve never done this before.”
Sebastian lifted a wrapped hand to indicate he needed a moment and walked back to the corner of the ring. They were at their boxing club, Ripley’s, as was their normal Wednesday activity, but he wasn’t focusing. He swept up a towel and wiped a bit of sweat from his bare chest. He had to get his mind right or Delacourt was correct. He was going to get hurt.
“What is wrong with you?”
He turned to find Delacourt standing over his shoulder, rubbing his own chest with a towel. He looked both annoyed and concerned.
“Distracted,” Sebastian said with a shrug. “I can’t seem to stop being distracted.”
“Over anything in particular?” Delacourt asked.
Sebastian looked at him as he folded the towel over the ring rope and walked back to the center of the sparring area. “Nothing I wish to discuss.”
“Hmmm.” Delacourt followed. “Seems you and my sister suffer the same affliction.”
Now Sebastian tensed, even as he tried to keep his voice unaffected. “What? Distraction?”
“Yes. Though I suppose Mari is much more often troubled in her thoughts and even more so since the death of her friend.” He sighed.
Sebastian almost did the same. He didn’t want to hear that Marianne suffered, but there was a part of him that was happy they were both caught up in the same swirl. At least he wasn’t alone in his unwanted thoughts.
“I hope the country party will lift her spirits,” Delacourt said as they set their feet again to continue their sparring. “And yours. Our carriage will pick you up Saturday morning around ten, if that is agreeable.”
Sebastian frowned as he threw a punch, which Delacourt easily blocked. “I’ve been meaning to talk to you about that. I think it would be better if I rode my own mount out.”
Honestly, it would be better if he didn’t go at all, but he couldn’t do that. He loved going to the yearly party that Delacourt and Marianne hosted at the end of each summer. And if he were honest with himself, he wanted to see her. He hadn’t seen her in two weeks. It gnawed at him. If he could go to this party and be appropriate, then perhaps it would put them back on the road to their old friendship. He wouldn’t lose her.
Delacourt paused and lowered his hands. “Why?”
That was a loaded question, but Sebastian shrugged. “I have some things to do and I don’t want to keep you from your preferred arrival time.”
Delacourt wrinkled his brow but nodded. “Very well, it’s your decision, of course. I think it will be a smashing party. You need the break. So do I.”
Now Sebastian tilted his head, his own torments forgotten as he saw raw frustration on his friend’s face. “What do you need a break from?”
Delacourt pursed his lips and his gaze turned distant for a moment. “Irritations that are not worth discussing. Come, lift those hands, I need to box out some of this discomfort.”
Sebastian did as he’d asked, but as they returned to their sparring, he couldn’t help but wonder what would come of all these secrets the three of them were keeping from each other. And what would happen if he allowed his desires for Marianne to overwhelm him at the country party.
He just had to control himself.
“Marianne?”
Marianne jolted and looked up from her tea to find her brother watching her with concern in his stare. She forced a smile. “My apologies, Finn. I’m such a featherbrain as of late.”
