Marianne rose to her feet in shock. “Phineas spoke to you about me in that fashion?” He hesitated and then nodded slowly. She stepped toward him and stopped when he tensed, his face twisting with more of that horrible regret. “Why would he ask that of you? Why would he ever think you’d want me?”
His brow wrinkled, as if he’d never considered that question before. “My reputation, I suppose.”
She shook her head. “He couldn’t have ever thought I was truly in danger from you.”
“I think tonight proves otherwise.”
“Oh, please. You aren’t corrupting?—”
“I am, Ihave!” His voice broke slightly and his expression became pained. “What I just did can be seen as nothing less. What is worse, I’ll go even further if I’m given a chance. I won’t be able to stop myself, just as I didn’t stop myself tonight.”
Her lips parted. It seemed her life was to be one surprise after another. “You mean you would…would…” She searched for a word and finally found it. “You would fuck me?”
He closed his eyes and swayed slightly at the very word he’d taught her weeks ago slipped from her lips. “Yes. I would most definitelyfuckyou, my lady. Until we were both spent and weak. Until you were ruined beyond repair. Until I was more of a cad than even my reputation would label me.”
She shivered at the idea, still somewhat vague in her mind, but becoming clearer every time he touched her. Shewantedwhat he suggested.
“But that would be between you and me, Sebastian,” she whispered, stepping closer to him, feeling him tense when she took his hand and cupped it between her own. “No one’s business but our own.”
He stared down at her for a moment and she saw the waver in him. Then he lifted her hand to his lips and kissed her knuckles. “I cannot continue this,” he said gently.
She tugged her hand away, disappointment marring the pleasure and the love and the warmth he had surrounded her in just a few moments before. “I see. Because of Finn.”
“Yes.” He ran a hand through his hair. “My family situation was so painful, Marianne.”
“You think I don’t know that?” she asked. “I was there just as he was. I saw your father’s cruelty when you were young, Sebastian. I saw his dismissal of you and I watched it break your heart.”
“Yes, you did.” He drew a ragged breath. “Your kindness was one of the few balms on my soul in those days, Marianne. I haven’t forgotten it. But Delacourt…Finn…he was the brother I…I…” He turned away.
She wrinkled her brow because she didn’t understand why he’d break that sentence off.The brother he’d never hadwas clearly what he meant to say, but for some reason he withdrew. She watched him as he paced to one of the flowering trees and stand there, his shoulders tight and his hands clenched at his sides.
“He’s all I have left now that my uncle is gone,” he finished. “My only family, Marianne. I can’t lose him. So I have to let you go. And because I care for you, because you do mean so much to me, I hope you can see that it’s foryoursake as much as my own.”
He turned to look at her and she caught her breath. She hadn’t realized how often Sebastian wore a mask, but now she saw the depth of his pain in the half-dark. She wanted to rush to him and demand and confess her own heart and try to force him to forget his hesitations.
But instead she pushed her shoulders back. “I’d never want to cause you pain, Sebastian. You are too dear to me for that.”
His lips parted and his eyes widened and she felt the heat fill her cheeks. That was as close to telling him her heart as she would ever get.
“I won’t bother you with this again,” she said. “When we see each other, I’ll never act differently. And I’d never tell Finn. I understand what you two mean to each other. How much you fill a void for each other. Now I’ll leave you.”
She moved toward the door to the orangery, but there she stopped, her hand shaking as she rested it on the handle. “Sebastian?”
“Yes?” he said, facing her.
“What we did…I want you to know it was wonderful. I never had any expectation that life could have so much beautiful…color. But you gave me that, not just tonight but in the last few weeks. It likely means little to you, but it meant everything to me. So, thank you.”
He stared at her, his hands flexing at his sides. When he didn’t reply, she inclined her head. “Goodnight.”
“Goodnight,” he said softly as she exited the orangery and fled across the garden back toward the gate where she’d snuck in and the horse that awaited her in the narrow lane behind his house.
It hadn’t been the night she’d wanted, even though she couldn’t exactly label what she’d hoped for when she brought herself to the man’s window. But she’d recognized her heart and surrendered a part of her body. She’d gained something magnificent and lost something precious all the span of a heartbeat.
And she feared life could never, would never, be the same after that. Even if she had to pretend it was.
Sebastian reentered his house, his entire body shaking. What he had done with Marianne still lingered on every inch of his body. But what she’d said he feared would be a part of his thoughts for the rest of his life.
He’d spent his adult life in dissipation. Oh, he wasn’t entirely irresponsible—he took care of those who needed his attention, like his servants and tenants. But he tried to studiously avoid any connection that would require he…try. Trying was terrifying. The idea that he could let someone down haunted him.
