And when she entered a room that was already occupied? Conversation almost always ended abruptly as she was met with false smiles and boisterous welcomes.
She thought she might go mad with it all. And mad with the thoughts of Ellis that haunted her at night. She relived their final conversation over and over, their last kiss. She relived the moment when she realized he had told on her.
She clenched her fists at her sides as she exited her chamber and walked down the hall toward the stairs. She was so torn in her emotions toward Ellis. Hate and desire. Frustration and longing.
How a man could be so many things at once was truly unfair. And so was the fact that she couldn’t get him out of her mind no matter how hard she tried.
She walked down the staircase and into the parlor, where she found her sisters and their husbands breaking their fast together. As usual, their conversation stopped as she entered the room.
“Juliana,” Harcourt said with a falsely bright smile that did not reach his worried eyes. “You look lovely in that shade of green.”
“As does your wife,” Juliana said as she moved to the sideboard and pursued the selection of breakfast delicacies. “And Anne.”
She glanced at the couples at the table. Perhaps the time had come to simply be direct. As difficult as that prospect was considering she’d always tried to be the peacekeeper.
She sucked in a long, shaky breath and said, “I appreciate all your loving support, but can wepleasestop pretending that everything is normal.”
Anne frowned and exchanged a look with Rook. The connection she had once shared exclusively with her sisters was now one she shared with her husband. In fact, it was even more powerful. Juliana gaped at what she couldn’t ignore. And flinched at the jealousy it engendered in her. She didn’t want to feel this way about Thomasina and Anne.
She stepped away from the sideboard and faced her family. “I would like to take a walk.” Both her sisters scrambled to their feet, but Juliana held up a hand. “Oh please, please don’t.”
Thomasina cocked her head. “Don’t what?”
Juliana let out a long sigh. She motioned her sisters back to their seats and took her own with a thud. “I adore you all for wanting to make things easier for me. I truly do. Harcourt, your home has been a refuge for me from my father, and I know that was a hard-won battle to allow it even for a short time. But I am stifled by all your attempts to protect me and convince me that everything is fine and normal.”
Anne and Thomasina exchanged a look, and then Anne surprised her by slowly nodding. “I can…understand that,” she said. “I suppose we have been a bit overly effusive. But you know, neither of us has ever been as good as you are at putting others at ease. At fixing broken wings.”
Juliana smiled at the statement. “I love that you want to. But…but perhaps some wounds just need to heal on their own. And we can’t pretend them away.”
Harcourt reached out and briefly covered her hand with his, surprising her by squeezing gently. “I have sometimes felt the same. I apologize for my part.”
“As do I,” Rook added. “So what wouldyoulike to do?”
Juliana considered the question for a moment. Then she said, “I’d like to take a walk in the park. I need some air and a little time alone. Obviously I’ll have Mary with me.”
Harcourt’s lips thinned. “And a guard.”
Juliana stared at him. “You—you think that is necessary?”
Thomasina nodded. “We all know Winston Leonard is likely still somewhere in London.”
Juliana shuddered. “I suppose you are right. I doubt he would have an interest in me, for I have nothing to offer him. But I would not want to tempt that fate considering my last encounter with that monster.”
Anne swallowed hard. “We told you that you weren’t a prisoner here. I think we must follow through on that. Though when you return, I would very much like to have tea with you. Just us sisters. Just like old times.”
Juliana let her breath out in shaky relief. “Yes. I would love that.”
And she meant it. Shewantedthe normalcy that afternoon tea with her sisters would bring. And her walk would help her clear her mind to do her own part in that gathering. The rest of her family said their farewells as she slipped from the room.
It didn’t take long for her to speak to Mary, get ready and exit the home. A man from Harcourt’s household trailed behind them as they strolled down the street and into the park across the way.
It was not the biggest park in London, but it was a nice little escape from the busy roads and loud commotion of the street. Juliana began to relax as she and Mary strolled, talking quietly of the blooming flowers and the sunny day. She would have felt normal except for the quick glances of those they passed. They were greeted by many who were partaking in the beauty of the park, but she also felt eyes on her scar.
Felt the judgment that came with both her name and her face. A judgment she would face for the rest of her life now. The only place she hadn’t felt it lately was with Ellis. When she was with him, she felt…normal. Like herself, though it was a new self. She also felt as if she could take time to discover who that new self would be.
She shook her head to clear her thoughts of Ellis. He didn’t want her. Why did she keep forgetting that? She had to accept it if she were to move on.
She and Mary rounded the corner of the path and she staggered to a stop. There, standing on the little bridge that crossed a small creek cutting through the park, was the Duke of Coningburgh, the father of Winston Leonard. He was standing on the bridge with his daughter, a young woman named Lydia who was just a few years younger than Juliana.
