“I hated myself for it, of course,” Juliana gasped, getting up and pacing away. “I hated myself for feeling attracted to a man who had caused so much pain to those I loved. I hated him for doing those irresponsible things that destroyed so much. But the body and the heart…”
Thomasina nodded. “They want what they want,” she finished.
“Yes,” Juliana said. “I went to the Donville Masquerade, hoping to purge those wants. I never expected it would be him who approached me.”
“What did you do?” Thomasina asked.
Now it was Juliana’s turn to blush. She wasn’t so bold as Anne, so saying these things out loud felt very difficult. Especially about a man her family hated, no matter how passionately she defended him.
Anne stared at her for what felt like a long time as Juliana struggled. Then she crossed the room and slid an arm around her. “It will help to say it. You won’t be judged.”
“He…” Juliana caught her breath. “He did things with his mouth.”
“Oh,” Anne and Thomasina said with secret little smiles that let Juliana know she was not alone in what she had experienced.
“Yes,oh. And it was…amazing. Far better than anything I’d ever hoped or dreamed about.” She sighed. “But he wouldn’t do anything else. He never took me, no matter how I cajoled or begged like a fool.”
Thomasina tilted her head. “Was he…trying toprotectyou?” she asked, voice filled with incredulity.
“That’s what I tell myself to feel better,” Juliana whispered. “Only now I…I must doubt it. After all, he went to Rook. He crowed about his conquest. He made sure you all knew about it because he knows I’ll be stopped from pursuing him further. He…he truly doesn’t want me.”
When she said the words out loud, it was like someone had dug a pit in her stomach. One that rolled and burned. Heat filled her cheeks, and she backed away from her sisters so she wouldn’t feel the full weight of their pity. It was quiet in the room for a moment, with only the tick of the clock to ripple through her mind.
“I could not be a judge of what that man wants,” Anne finally said softly. “Not a fair one at any rate. But I do know whatIwant. Harcourt and Rook are convincing Father that you should stay with us, at least for a few weeks. Please come.”
Juliana looked from one sister to the next and slowly folded her arms. “I assume this is to give you the ability to lock me in a tower. Keep me from being more of a fool than I’ve already been.”
Thomasina crossed to her. “No,” she said, reaching up to touch Juliana’s unscarred cheek. “It’s so we can be together. We can protect each other.”
Juliana bent her head. She wanted to believe she didn’t need protection. That she could make her own decisions. But Ellis had turned her in to her family as if he were the guard with a reticent child. It was as clear a message as one could receive.
And with that rejection, she could see she had been reckless. She had endangered herself. So maybe she needed the governing her family would require. At least she would be with her sisters, where she wouldn’t be crowded or judged as her father did to her.
“Father isn’t going to know about the Masquerade or about Ellis, is he?” she gasped.
“No!” her sisters said together with just as much horror.
“God, we wouldn’t do that to you,” Thomasina insisted, a hand to her heart as if that were the worst accusation in the world.
Juliana flinched. Her sisters wouldn’t do that. Of course they wouldn’t. But Ellis had. He’d said what he said, not caring what it caused for her. He only wanted the result: that she would be gone from his life. A nuisance taken care of with a few well-placed words.
“Very well,” she whispered, her shoulders rolling forward as she conceded defeat. “I’ll go if he allows it. I’ll…I’ll do whatever you like.”
Anne stepped forward and her concern was plain on her face. “Juliana, if you—”
She held up a hand and forced a smile. “I should put together some things. Why don’t you and Thomasina go down and make sure things have gone smoothly with Father and your husbands?”
She could see they wanted to argue, but they didn’t. They simply moved to the chamber door.
As they exited, Thomasina turned back and met her gaze. “Despite all the chaos caused by Ellis Maitland for our family, I only hate that man for one thing,” she said, her normally sweet and calm voice filled with tension. “And that is making you look as defeated as you do now. For that, I shall never forgive him.”
She pivoted then and left Juliana to her packing. But as she rang for Mary, what she thought of instead was how in the world she could go back to what she had been before Ellis had touched her. And if she couldn’t, who she would be now.
Chapter 14
If her sisters had vowed her time at Harcourt’s estate was not to be a prison, three days in their company had led Juliana to believe it was at least a variation on the theme.
Oh, everyone was very kind. They were gentle with her, almost to the point of treating her like glass. But she was hardly ever left alone. Walks in the garden were with one sister or the other. Or both. She’d played so many games of whist, she thought she had caused herself a wrist injury. Rook danced around the subject of his cousin. Harcourt spoke loudly ofanythingbut Ellis or Winston Leonard and smiled at her until she feared his cheeks would crack.
