Journey walks ahead next to Hannah, and I watch her mutter something, followed by Hannah nodding in agreement. Are they planning to gang up on me? I see them having short chit chats sometimes when they’re alone outside or in the car, and I’m returning from a quick errand. I figure it’s just small talk, but maybe it’s more than that.
I’m no stranger to therapy or psychiatrists. I’ve been going most of my adult life to cope with what I went through in high school and the anxiety that stayed with me after.
The therapist, Dr. Shia is waiting in the lobby when we walk through the doors. Her smile is welcoming. She's young and dressed in trendy clothes. I can only hope that resonates on a positive note with Hannah. I need her to feel comfortable speaking to a therapist. She seemed somewhat pleased with her after the first visit, so hopefully this will continue to work out.
“It’s so nice to see you again, Hannah, Dad, and—”
“Journey,” she says, reaching her hand out to shake Dr. Shia’s.
“What a cool name. I love it,” she says. Dr. Shia specializes with teens, which is evident by the way she speaks. “Come on in and let’s have a seat.”
Her office is peaceful but not boring. She has cool beach colors and washed-out wooden furniture. It's comfortable and peaceful, not your usual medical office. Hannah makes herself comfortable on the couch, and Journey plops down next to her, leaving me to the matching chair to the left of them.
“Thanks for inviting the three of us to meet together. I think it’ll be good for us to all be on the same page,” I say.
“Of course,” Dr. Shia says. Her attention is on Hannah when she crosses her hands over her lap and smiles. “So, did we fulfill our assignment this week or decide to wait until today?” I didn’t know Hannah had an assignment. She didn’t say a word to me about it.
“I—” Hannah glances over at me and back at Dr. Shia. “I wanted to wait until today.”
What the hell? I get the feeling Journey knew about this assignment by the way she isn’t making eye contact with me.
“No problem at all,” Dr. Shia says. “Do you want to start the conversation, or would you be more comfortable if I do?”
Hannah begins picking at her cuticles—something she does when she’s stressed out or nervous. “I don’t want to be a burden,” Hannah says without looking up at me.
I’m immediately confused by her statement. I have never made her feel like a burden. In fact, I’ve done everything humanly possible to avoid her feeling that way.
Dr. Shia seems to understand what Hannah means by her statement with an agreeable nod. “Okay,” Dr. Shia says. “Dad, Hannah has been doing some online research and has come to a decision regarding her mother.”
Hannah doesn’t talk about Kristy. She goes to her house every three weeks, comes home, and says they did nothing and there is nothing to talk about. I never push. Maybe I should have been pushing. Is it me? Is it Kristy? Maybe she wants to go live with Kristy now that she’s single again. “Oh, okay,” I say, questioning the topic.
Hannah glances up at me, her eyes glossed with tears. “I don’t want to visit Mom anymore. I don’t want her in my life or to talk to her or see her either. It's obvious the feeling is mutual between the two of us and I can't deal with the discomfort of spending time with her anymore. I want to meet with a judge to discuss my rights.”
I feel like I’ve been sucker-punched, and I’m not sure my lungs can pull in the amount of oxygen I need as I digest what she’s saying. My personal feelings toward Kristy have never been mentioned to Hannah. I didn’t feel it was appropriate, nor did I ever try to persuade her to end her relationship with her mother. I know Hannah doesn’t enjoy being shuttled back and forth between Connecticut and Vermont every three weeks, but I wasn’t aware she was this upset over the visitation rights. I lean forward, resting my elbows on my knees while I go through a list of possible responses. I want to high-five the kid, but that would be irresponsible and immature of me. I want to hug her and tell her it’s completely fine and we will handle it, but that’s allowing me to remove her mother from the picture. I should say we need to discuss this matter more, but she’s bringing it up at a therapy session, which means she has thought about it a lot.
“Why haven’t you mentioned this to me before?” I ask.
“I thought you might brush the subject off because you’ve always said this schedule is what was set by the court, and we have to live by it.”
I nod my head, agreeing to her statement because I have said that before. “Okay, but why do you want to cut off all contact with Mom?”
Hannah drops her focus back to her fidgeting hands. “She doesn’t want me there. I’m home alone most of the time, and she hardly speaks to me. I feel likeI'm a stranger to her. It’s uncomfortable when I’m there, and it doesn’t feel like home. I start counting the hours until I can come home, the minutes I get there. She’s told me I’ve ruined her plans so many times. I don’t know why she doesn’t love me, but it seems clear compared to how you show me love.” Hannah still won’t look up at me even when offering me a compliment. I had no idea she was feeling this way, or for how long. Journey places her hand on Hannah’s back, confirming the secret they must have shared. I want to feel jealous and hurt, but the fact that she trusts Journey the way I do and felt comfortable enough to talk to her about this is the most important thing. It means she has a female figure, showing her compassion in a way that her mom doesn’t.
“Did you know about this?” I ask Journey.
“It’s not her fault,” Hannah says. “I didn’t know how to ask you or tell you I wanted to do this. I was afraid you wouldn’t be open to the idea because you always say you’re lucky to have the custody arrangement we have and that it could have been worse.” She’s right about that too. It could have been a lot worse for Hannah if I didn’t win the custody battle the way I did.
“If you speak to a judge, it will not hurt the current custody situation we have, but I’m not sure it will help either.”
“It will,” Hannah corrects me. “At age fourteen, I have the right to request guardianship rights.”
Journey is staring directly at me, so I switch my focus to her for a brief moment. She inconspicuously nods her head, agreeing with Hannah’s statement. I wonder if Journey helped her find this information. I will thank her until my dying day if she did. I can’t handle the thought of Hannah feeling the way she does when she’s with Kristy. I want her to have a mother, but I don’t want her to feel like her mother doesn’t want her because I think that’s worse.
“Hannah, you know I will do whatever I can to make your life perfect. I hope you have always known that, and I’m sorry you felt like you couldn’t be upfront with me.”
“We argue a lot,” Hannah says.
I can feel the discomfort cross the room. Between Journey shifting in her seat and Dr. Shia switching her crossed legs from one to the other, it’s obvious there is more to this conversation. “We do. We don’t always agree on the things I think are important.”
