“I do know you. I know every word you have written to me over the past five years. I have learned about your desires, wants, needs, and passions. You’re appreciative of everything you have and you live as if you are caring for the most prized possession this world has ever had. Your stories and updates on how you are caring for Ellie’s heart are what made me know you. The only thing I didn’t know was your name and where you lived.”
She creates space between us, seemingly struggling with my words, struggling with this moment. “Everything you have said means a great deal to me, knowing you read every word I wrote, knowing you appreciated the thoughts behind each letter. Writing became my inspiration to heal from the guilt attached to this borrowed heart, but the letters were never intended to make you fall for me because I know I am not the path for you. Please understand that. And those words, they were words to describe what Ellie’s heart was feeling, so I understand why you felt connected. I came to realize I was doing you more harm than good by sending you those letters, that’s why I put a stop to it. It wasn’t so I could make you fall for me.”
Her explanation of why I should not think anything more of her than the recipient of Ellie’s heart dumps me into a new level of confusion. “What are you saying?”
Her eyebrows pucker as she presses her hand to her throat as if she’s feeling strangled. “I don’t know,” she cries softly as she throws her arms around my neck and places her head against my chest. Her body trembles within my hold and her breaths are shallow and uneven. If I’m confused, so is she. The weakness within her decisions is making my chest ache.
I take her by the hand and bring her into the back room where I find a couch. As we both sit down, she looks at me with tears clouding her eyes. “This is wrong,” she says. “I do like you, Hunter...but I think it could be for the wrong reasons.” Ari brushes the back side of her hand under her eyes, wiping away the fallen tears. “I don’t know if what I feel is because of Ellie’s heart or if it’s because I selfishly needed to know you. I just wanted to make sure your life wasn’t destroyed after Ellie’s sacrifice for me. The pain I felt for you that day in the hospital made me want to help you the way Ellie helped me. I won’t ever be able to know the answer to my own question; therefore, this could never work.”
“But what if I only want to be with you because of Ellie’s heart? Doesn’t it make our confusion even?” What am I saying? Why am I saying this out loud? It’s ridiculous...I think. She is a person, too, not just placed on this earth to carry around Ellie’s heart—which is how I have imagined her for five years.That’s terrible.
“Maybe it makes us even, but you have to understand, I might be good at being part of your present, but I will never be part of your future. I think we’re meant to be in each other’s lives for a different reason. A reason that makes sense to me and that I’m not sure I can explain.”
“You should never assume what our future will hold,” I say. Regardless, she has summed up my self-confusion in only a breath full of words. I just need her in my life, in any capacity, simple as it may be. “Though, you make everything make sense.”
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
MAY
-Two Months Later -
“Hey, are youready?” I shout into the kitchen. “If you don’t want to come, you can wait here.”
She grabs her sweater from the closet. “Yup, I’m good. I just wanted to get the frosting on the cake.”
I poke my head into the kitchen, looking at the cake she made. “It’s pretty awesome.”
“Yeah, I’m not that bad in the kitchen,” she says, playfully punching me in the shoulder as she walks past me. “You’re sticking around tonight, right?”
“Yeah, about that, I was going to see if you were okay with Ari joining us tonight. She wants to meet you and Lana and spend some time with Olive.” The oddness of my relationship with Ari is something that’s hard to explain. It isn’t your typical boyfriend/girlfriend thing. I can only explain what we have as a connection I can’t imagine breaking away from. I feel like I need to be around her and she feels the same way. I love being with her, learning everything about her. It’s the strangest relationship I’ve ever had, but it feels right to me.
“Of course. As long as you don’t mind if Lance joins us, too,” Charlotte says. That’s a whole other story. Charlotte has actually moved on. Boyfriend label and all. I can’t blame her. My mind is in ten places and she deserves to be the one and only focus in a man’s life. She kind of knows the gist of my relationship with Ari, but it baffles her at the same time. From what I can tell, Lance can offer her a simple, non-confusing relationship. I want Charlotte to be happy, but I’d be lying if I said it didn’t suck to hear about him.
“Of course not,” I laugh. “I love Lance-a-lot. Get it?”
“You’re an ass,” she says, opening the front door.
“Yeah, an ass who lets your cute butt live here.” It’s been a little over a month since Charlotte and Lana moved in. With no child support coming in, Charlotte was going to have to move out and rent her house to make ends meet. It seemed like the right thing to do...letting Lana and her move in with Olive and me. I told myself that’s why I did it. That, and so Olive and Lana wouldn’t be separated. But the truth is, I didn’t want Charlotte to move away. I like having her around, even if we’re not “together” anymore.
“You’re not allowed to talk about my butt,” she sings, walking down the driveway. I pull the door closed and jog up to Charlotte’s side. “You sure you’re going to be cool with meeting Lance tonight?” she asks. I knew this meeting was inevitable at some point since she’s kept things private until now. The only thing I’ve seen of Lance is his stupid ass haircut from the car when he picks her up.
“Of course. He makes you happy, so that makes me happy,” I lie.
“Right,” she laughs quietly, which blends into an awkward silence.
We walk side by side past several houses as the quiet between us starts to burn. Things between Charlotte and I have been fine. Just fine. It’s been a little awkward at times, but overall it’s worked out pretty well. We don’t ask and we don’t tell. It took her weeks to actually admit that she was dating Lance, but it was easy to make the assumption based on the extra perfume she was dousing herself with before leaving at night.
Regardless of our two separate lives veering off in different directions right now, I like having Charlotte and Lana around. My lonely house that Olive and I felt so small in just a few months ago is now full. It’s nice.
“Are you getting nervous about your court date?” I ask Charlotte, breaking the silence.
“Very,” she sighs. “My lawyer thinks she has enough evidence to at least open the case back up but we won’t know for sure until things get started.”
“It’s a gamble, I guess.” I can’t imagine how she must feel. I have a pit in my stomach just thinking about her situation.
“Why, are you eager to get rid of me?” she asks, peering over at me.
I cup my hand around her elbow, stopping her in her steps, and force her to turn toward me. “I don’t want you to leave, Charlotte.” Wanting what’s best for her, I want her to get the case opened back up. At the same time, the thought of her moving out fills me with dread.
