Nate unties his apron and sets it on the side before coming to sit opposite me. "What do you want to know?"
"When did you meet?" I ask. I'm not sure if that's exactly what I want to know, but it's the only place I have to start.
"It was the first week we were apprentices," he says. "She arrived a few days after I did."
"So you learned together?"
"Yes. And taught each other things we already knew," he says. "I told you about her in my letters."
"I know. I guess it just feels different to have her standing in front of me, rather than being written on a page." And he didn't tell me how beautiful she was, or how much presence she has in a room.
"Fair enough," he responds. "It was different writing to you than it is now that I get to see you every day. This is so much better."
"It is," I agree. I chew on my bottom lip. "So, you and Camille are friends?"
He clears his throat and shifts a little uncomfortably in his seat. "We're friends now."
"What does that mean?"
"I'm not sure how to tell you this," he admits.
"I don't know what you're talking about."
"I know. And I'm not trying to be unclear, it's just that I'm trying to find the right words," he says. "There was a brief time when Camille and I were...more than just friends."
I frown and try to work out what he means. I'm sure it's some kind of euphemism, but I'm not sure if it's one that Veronica uses. Then again, she says that most vagueness is about one thing. "You had sex?"
He coughs. "That wasn't quite how I was going to put it."
"But it's true?" A hollow feeling opens up within me, and I don't really know what to do with it. I can safely say that I've never considered the possibility of Nate having sex before, but learning that he wants to feels like it breaks a part of me.
He takes a deep breath. "It was years ago."
"Years ago," I repeat. Does that mean that it's not something he's going to be interested in picking up again now she's working in the kitchens?
"It was about six months after my apprenticeship started, and it only happened a few times."
"Why not more?" I'm unable to stop myself from asking, and I don't know why. It doesn't change anything about the situation or what it means for any future I can have with him.
He looks at me with an intense expression on his face. "I was in love with someone else."
I frown. "That doesn't make sense. You were in love with someone else, but you were sleeping with Camille."
He grimaces. "I thought I was no longer in love when Camille and I started sleeping together. I thought it was something I'd enjoy, but all it did was make me realise that I wanted to be with someone else." His gaze is fixed on me, probably so he can see how I react.
"Are you still in love with that person now?" My heart aches even as I ask the question, but I need to know the answer. If he says yes, then I know that I can't ever expect anything to come of telling him how I feel.
For a moment, it seems as if he's not going to answer. "Yes." He looks away almost immediately.
A horrible feeling settles within me. "I see." I think over what he's saying. "If you've been in love with them for five years, then why have you not done anything about it?"
"I've loved them for more than five years," he says.
I frown. "That would mean they're in Falhaven."
"Yes."
I swallow. "So now you're back, are you intending to do anything about it?" Why am I asking this? It's like I want to hurt myself for reasons that are currently unknown to me.
