Now that he was close enough that she could hear him breathing, Lizzie’s brain was suddenly wide awake. She triedturning so that her back was to him, but that just made her even more aware of the sound of his breathing since she couldn’t see him. She turned back again.
“Do you want me to leave?” Kai’s voice was groggy. “I’m not offended if you changed your mind.”
“I just can’t sleep.” Lizzie folded her hands on her stomach and looked up at the ceiling. “I apologize for keeping you awake.”
“You don’t have to apologize. What’s on your mind?”
You!
She wanted to scream the thought at him, but it would have just made the situation worse, so Lizzie settled on her next biggest concern. “What are we going to do now?”
Kai shifted and rolled to his side, propping his head on his hand. “Are you asking about this moment, or about the future?”
“The latter.” She was trying as hard as could to keep her mindawayfrom this particular moment.
“Well, I still plan to go to Kysta and see my mother. I’ll probably need to stay there for a while and work.”
“Oh, of course.” She squeezed her eyes shut, pushing all thoughts of Freddy away. Besides, Kysta was a large enough country and Kai was a peasant. The likelihood of crossing paths with Freddy was probably quite low. “Do you have a particular route that you travel when you play?”
“When I…? Oh! When I play. Yes. Kind of. I do most of my performing at the palace.”
No feelings. The palace is just a place. Just a place with…people.
“I see.”
“And don’t worry; I have some connections there at the palace. The head housekeeper, Mrs. Pearce, is an old family friend. I’m sure she can get you a position in the kitchen.”
“Hmm.”
“Is that alright? She could also probably find you something as a maid, though I figured in the kitchen you would be less likely to see the prince.”
She pressed her lips together. “The prince isn’t a problem.”
“Not for you, I know. I’m just concerned about him.” Kai laughed nervously. “I’m worried that if he sees you, he’ll want to steal you away. He couldn’t have been too pleased once he found out that his betrothed was married off to someone else.”
“I’m certain he will get over it.”
“I’m not quite sure about that. I know I wouldn’t be able to.”
His voice had softened, laced with affection, and something fluttery and warm stirred to life in Lizzie’s stomach.
She wanted to be loved, wanted to believe that his affection was as true as it sounded.
But then she remembered her father’s whispered words in her mother’s ear, the ones that would make her face rosy with blushes and smiles.
Then the yelling.
The sound of a hand hitting flesh and her mother’s cry of pain.
Dark bruises that never had a satisfactory explanation. Cruel threats couched in words of affection. Affirmation and acceptance at the cost of unflinching obedience.
No feelings, no pain.
“I can’t love him.” She threw the words out as a defense.
Kai just sidestepped them with a chuckle. “I should hope not; you’re married to me.”
She was desperate now, reaching for every form of ammunition she had. “No, I mean Ican’t. I’m cursed. My heart can’t feel love. It can’t feel anything.”
