“You’re right, it could make things complicated,” Brenda said soberly. “But Zeke, you know me—I’m the last person to lecture anyone on following their heart.”
Sighing heavily, I sank back on the bed. I hadn’t called hoping she’d say go for it. Or maybe I knew deep down, she’d give me license to do what I really wanted. “Right, but Orion’s not the most open, emotionally available guy. And even if he was, getting involved with him is a huge risk, isn’t it? We can’t afford any distractions on this mission.”
“That’s the smart, logical way of looking at it,” Brenda mused. “But when did we Mastersons strictly follow logic when it comes to matters of the heart?”
She made a fair point. Our family, starting with Mom and Dad, had thrown caution to the wind for love. No one was immune, not even the strongest among us. But was this love? “I’ve known him three days, B. This is barely a crush.”
“I’m not saying jump his bones and hang the consequences,” she said in a slightly reproachful tone. “Just don’t shut those feelings out completely, Habibi. Give them a bit of space to breathe and see where they lead. Who knows? By the time all this is over, you both might realize you’re perfect for each other.”
I smiled wistfully, wishing I could view things through her romantic, optimistic lens. “I want to keep an open heart, I do. But how can I do that without letting it completely consume me? These feelings for Orion are already so intense, so distracting. If I give them any oxygen at all, I’m afraid they’ll take over and jeopardize everything.”
Brenda was silent for a long moment. “That’s a valid concern,” she said finally. “Having an all-consuming crush couldabsolutely make it harder to stay focused on your mission. Can you try to compartmentalize?”
I snorted. She of all people knew how hard that was. “Have you met me? Better, have you looked in the mirror? Once you or I lock onto something, it can’t be shoved in a box.”
“Fair point,” she conceded. “Okay, how about this—make a rule for yourself. Only allow yourself to think about Orion, like really lean into those feelings, for one hour a day. The rest of the time, lock it down and concentrate fully on the mission.”
Frowning, I shook my head, even though she couldn’t see me. That might have been the stupidest advice Brenda had ever given me. “I don’t know. Turning it off like a switch sounds damn near impossible.”
“Okay, new approach.” I could hear her mind working over the line. “When you get hit with the feels for Chef Hotcakes, take a few minutes to bask in it. Let yourself fully ride that wave of desire and tenderness and whatever other feels you’re feeling. But then, once that time is up, refocus. Don’t suppress it, just acknowledge it, then put it on pause until you can give it your full attention again.”
I started to protest, but then her words sank in. That was kind of what I’d been doing already. I let myself enjoy the heady swirl of emotions for Orion in quiet moments. Things like cooking him breakfast, or watching him across the table, or even staring up at him when he helped me up were things that consumed me in the moment, but then I forced my concentration back to the mission.
Could it be that simple? Not denying the feelings entirely but spreading them out. Giving them time and space to exist alongside my responsibilities, rather than consuming me whole.
Brenda seemed to read the shift in my silence. “You can’t bottle this up forever, Zeke,” she said, more gently now. “Nor should you. That’s a surefire way to get yourself derailed.”
Somehow she’d walked me around, without telling me she was doing it. Again. “Indulge it in pieces. Let myself feel it fully for brief moments, then refocus. And if it’s meant to be, we might end up more. Eventually.”
“Eventually. But you need to find the courage to raise it with the man himself,” Brenda said. “He might shoot you down, and that will hurt like a son of a bitch, but at least you’d know. It would cease to be this insidious distraction whirring in the back of your mind.”
I let out a long exhale, a surprising sense of clarity settling over me. “You’re right. As terrifying as that possibility is, it’s better than living in limbo forever.”
“Exactly.” Her smile resonated in her voice. “So feel your feels, baby bro. Let them breathe when you can. And when the time is right, be brave enough to let them run their course, one way or another.”
“Thanks.” The word felt wholly inadequate for the gratitude washing over me, but she would understand. “I’ve got a plan now, and it reminds me why I always ask for B’s world-famous advice.”
“Damn straight,” she laughed. “Now go get ‘em. And for god’s sake, use protection!”
I rolled my eyes at her crudeness, the familiar snark grounding me as I pocketed my phone. My sister’s wisdom pointed me to a path forward. It wasn’t everything I wanted, but it felt right.
It would be a tightrope walk to be sure. But Brenda was right—the alternative of battling my emotions into submission was far more dangerous. At least this way, I could ride the wave as it came, fully embracing the depths of my heart without losing myself entirely.
With a steadying breath, I straightened my shoulders and went to take a shower. This new path wouldn’t be easy, but I could do it. All of it.
Orion
The car hummed steadily as we drove toward the area our data suggested was the most likely source of the surges. Zeke was uncharacteristically quiet beside me, his gaze fixed on the passing scenery. I stole glances at him when I could, my eyes drinking in his handsome profile, the curve of his lips, the strength in his jawline.
Despite my best efforts, I couldn’t shake the feelings that had been blossoming for Zeke over the past few days. His spirit, his generous and nurturing heart, his quick wit and sense of duty to our kind all drew me to him with an intensity I hadn’t felt in decades. And gods, he was hot as hell. That night I’d given him a massage, it had taken everything I had not to let my hands and lips roam all over his muscled body.
I recognized the lingering looks Zeke gave me in return, the spark of interest in his eyes. I was pretty sure that if I made a move, if I asked, he’d eagerly agree to more than just a massage. The thought made my blood run hotter.
After Lael, the love of my life, had shattered my heart into pieces, I didn’t trust myself anymore. I’d failed Lael. He’d descended into a dark place and I didn’t have the strength to save him from himself. Instead, I stayed by his side, let ithappen, and made excuses. If I’d stood up to him sooner, pushed back when I saw the first hints of darkness, I might have helped Lael avoid his fall. I wrongly thought love meant letting him be himself and not changing him to fit what I wanted him to be.
What if I failed Zeke the same way? The fear gripped me like a vise, stealing my breath. When I saw the effect he had on me, it scared me so much I cruelly beat him with shinai to prove I was still in control. I didn’t deserve him.
And that was to say nothing of the debt I owed Ares and Ruth. They’d been my family after I lost mine. They sheltered me, guided me, loved me as their own. I couldn’t bear the thought of repaying that kindness by hurting their son. Or subjecting Zeke to the same heartbreak Lael had put me through if I couldn’t be what he needed.
