“I don’t.”
I feel the tears start to form and I can hear the worry lacing Zach’s tone. How is it that we’re already to the point where it feels like maybe we shouldn't be together?
“Bray will forgive me,” I start. “And there’s still a chance for you to make this right with him. It’s not like you and I own each other or owe anything to one another.”
“That’s where you’re wrong.” Zach shakes his head as he points to his chest. “Do you not see that you own every part of me? All the good and happy parts of me, they’re yours. Everything that is sad and tortured, you own those too. But not because you caused it. But because you’re the only one who can make it better.”
The tears finally shed. It’s too much. How can I feel so much for someone but at the same time, feel so lost? I love my brother, and I hate knowing that I’ve betrayed him. But I love Zach too.
“You make me better, Cadence.” Zach steps up, closing the space between us and this time when he reaches for my face, I let him.
“Zach, I have dreamed of being with you for as long as I can remember. I’ve been in love with you just as long.” I look up at him, and smile softly. “But let’s face it. If you really cared about me, you would have just told him the truth like you said you would. And now, my brother feels betrayed. And the reality is that we’re going off to college soon and who knows if we can handle the distance.”
I know that last part is not something I truly think factors in. I mean, I’ve thought about it, but I always felt like Zach and I could withstand anything if we could get past the reaction of my brother, and look how that turned out. But I really bring it up, because I’m trying to convince myself that it’s okay to let him go knowing that I might lose him anyway.
But I don't want to.
“Cadie, do not throw this away, please. You’re hurt and this seems impossible to navigate right now but I promise we will get through this.”
“I don’t know, Zach.”
Zach drops his hands and I can sense a bit of frustration exude from him. Pain. Confliction.
I watch as he takes a deep breath, focusing his eyes on me before he speaks again.
“You know, love has been torn from me over and over again,” he starts and my heart breaks a little more for him. “It’s killing me to know that I am fighting to let you in, risking further heartbreak for you, only for you to doubt that you are everything I’ve ever wanted.”
More relentless tears. This time, not just mine.
“I need you, Cadence,” he whispers.
“And what about my brother? You’re okay losing him just to keep me.”
“If that’s what I have to do, then yes.”
I see it in his eyes. He means that. I can tell. Zach doesn’t say or do things that he doesn’t mean. But I can feel it. The divide.
“Zach,” I start as I reach for his cheek. “I don’t want to be the reason why you and my brother aren’t friends. I think-” I sigh, feeling pain dig into my chest. “I think we just need to give this some time.”
He dips his head, and I feel a tear run down his cheek as I wipe it away.
“So are you saying we shouldn't be together, Cadie? Do you want us to break up?”
“No, Zach.” I shake my head as he looks at me. “I just- I need to think and I have to go talk to my brother. And I think you have a lot going on and-”
“Let me talk to him.”
“Zach, you had your chance.” I watch as Zach searches my eyes for some kind of reassurance or forgiveness. And I will forgive him. But right now we just have to let this breathe.
I lean up on my toes, and press a kiss to Zach’s cheek. He holds onto me, and I can tell he’s eager to not let me go.
But I pull back and I dip my head, not wanting to look him in his eyes.
“I love you, Zach,” I whisper before walking away.
22
Cadence
