I’ve been in Zach’s house before. Not nearly as many times as he’s been in mine and never alone. So while I can sense the familiarity in his home, it also feels fresh.
Zach walks us up the stairs and toward his room, something I can’t say I’ve done many times before. And while there is silence between us, it doesn’t feel awkward. I watch him as he steps into his room and I freeze. I don’t know why, but as he goes further into his room, I just stand at the doorway and watch.
“You gonna come in?” he asks and I start to feel an extreme rush of nerves course through me, causing me to hesitate.
“I just, I don’t think I’ve ever been in your room alone before,” I say to him. And I don't know why I hesitate with that thought. Maybe because I still can't believe this is real.
“We’ve never held hands either, little one,” he responds and the use of the nickname he’s given me out loud really doesn’t help to calm my nerves more than shake them.
I take a breath before I take a step in and watch as he closes the door behind us.
I’m alone.
In a room.
With Zach. The boy I’ve been crushing on for as long as I can remember.
I can tell that he’s watching me. Likely trying to figure out what I’m thinking. Meanwhile, I’m trying not to panic in a way that would make me seem pathetic, but I really am kind of freaking out right now.
I turn to look at him, eager to get to the bottom of whatever it is that caused him to want me here in the first place. But he’s no longer looking at me. Instead, he’s looking at his trophy shelf, so I drop my bag at the end of his bed and meet him at the wall.
I stand by his side, looking over the collection of awards and trophies that signify his entire life of football. I’ve never seen this collection before, and something akin to pride swells in my chest when I realize that I’m witnessing just how amazing this man is at the one thing he holds closest to his chest.
“This is impressive,” I say to him, eyes everything from the small medals on ribbons to the biggest trophy on his shelf. And then I spot a purple football. It kind of stands out like a sore thumb next to all of the gold, but I feel my eyes start to water when the realization hits. My chest aches a little, thinking of who that football belonged to. But I don’t say it out loud, I don’t ask because I know that it’s a touchy subject.
“I don’t think I’m going to play football in college,” Zach says, a dread in his tone, and just like that, my heart sinks some more.
“What?” I turn to look at him, sensing a sad but serious expression exude from him while noticing something that lookslike defeat in his eyes. “That’s crazy, Zach. You love football,” I tell him, trying to sound more hopeful than anything but I wonder if I come off a little too optimistic.
Obviously, something has him down and I don’t want to force him to feel the way he thinks the world expects him to feel. But when I look at him, I get the same feeling I had when he looked at me in the rearview mirror all those weeks ago, and the same look I noticed earlier before I spit water through my nose. And when I think back far enough, to the very first day I met him too. He’s got that same somewhat despondent look in his eyes and it causes me a bit of distress.
“I do. I love football more than I value my own life sometimes,” he starts. “But lately, I just feel off. And…”
He trails off and I swear I can hear a lump form in his throat, his tone giving away just how down he’s actually feeling as he tells me exactly what I had been thinking. And that’s when I see it, his fist is clenched at his side, just like it was in fourth grade all those years ago.
I reach for his hand, urging him to relax as I snake my fingers through his to let him know that it’s okay. I’m right here and he doesn't have to say anything he doesn't want to. But he squeezes my hand in his and continues.
“I don’t have any offers. I’m not sure what I’m doing wrong but for some reason, I don’t have a single offer, Cadie.” He turns to look at me, and I can tell there’s more to his problems than just this. But for now, I’ll let him focus on this and I’ll do what I can to ease his worry.
I turn my body to face him, and take my other hand to grab his. Now both of our hands are wrapped up in each other’s as we face one another, his head bent to look down at me; I really am a little one compared to him. I didn’t realize just how different nearly a whole foot really is; his six-two to my five-four.
I take a deep breath and pull my eyes up to his, and I have to do my best not to let myself seem too lost in the way it feels to be looked at by him. But it’s damn near impossible. I feel like the room stops spinning and my heart is about to beat out of my chest. This feels like a dream. But I have to shake off the nerves and do my best to comfort Zach.
“Can I tell you what I think?” I ask as I look up at him.
He nods his head.
“I think that everything happens for a reason. Just because you don’t have any offers right now, doesn’t mean that no one wants you. It just means that something better is coming along and good things take time,” I start, looking into his eyes as he looks down at me. “You can’t let yourself feel defined by time, Zach. Someone like you is someone worth being patient for. I promise, they’re gonna want you.”
I feel in my heart that what I said is true. I can’t possibly know or understand the feeling that he’s going through right now, and that’s because I don’t have something as valuable as this dream of his to potentially lose. And even if I did, I still don’t think I’d be able to compare my experience with his. I’ve known Zach for most of my life and nearly all of that time he has spent on this one sport. This dream. And he’s really good at it. Really damn good. And I know it's something he doesn't want to give up on so I wonder just how long he's been sitting with this feeling if it’s got him experiencing so much doubt like this.
“Hey,” I whisper to him, feeling the depth of his silence. I know it’s not because he’s not listening to me but because his feelings have probably been festering like this for far too long and good things probably seem impossible right now.
“I think you’re so talented, Zach. Even if you don’t think anyone else sees it, just know that I do.” I tell him as I reach up with one hand and gently press it against his check. Heimmediately melts into my touch and wraps his hand over mine, both of us now holding his face together.
“Cadence,” he growls out and a shiver breaks down my spine. Never, and I mean never, have I ever been this close to a boy before. Let alone, the one that I happen to be pretty much madly in love with.
“It’s going to be okay. It might not feel like it now, but I promise that everything will work out the way it’s intended to, Zach. I believe in you,” I say to him and his eyes fall over mine. “But you have to believe in yourself too.”
