I never knew what his intentions were or if he meant to look at me the way he did, but that night, I started to let my buried feelings resurface, feeling hopeful in the fact that maybe I really do have a chance with him. Maybe he’s done looking at me like a little sister. Maybe that was his way of giving me permission to try, silently letting me know that he’s ready. But then before I knew it, he was gone.
I’ve spent the last few weeks trying to do literally anything that would take my mind off him. Tanning by the pool with my friends, going to the reservoir almost every day, late night barbeque pool parties and bonfires. I even picked up extra shifts at the summer fair to keep me busy. And of course, lots ofreading. Real reading, not the pretend reading I’m doing now. But no matter what I did these past few weeks, I was always still thinking about Zach. Sometimes I feel crazy for it, for wondering what he’s doing or how his day is going. I guess when I really think about it, this past three weeks have been the longest I’ve gone without seeing him. Maybe four days has been the max over the past eight-plus years, but three weeks has felt like a lifetime. And I miss him.
“Maybe you should just throw yourself into the pool. The moment he walks in, you can pretend to drown. He’ll have to jump in and save you. Hell, probably even kiss you because he’ll have to resuscitate you.”
I jerk my head over to my best friend, still flawlessly laid back on the floaty with her pina colada mocktail in one hand, a wild smirk on her face, and her dark hair laying wet against her tanned skin. She’s not even looking at me as she provides me with her unsolicited advice. Unsolicited, sure, but usually pretty beneficial. Except whatever she just spewed at me causes me to roll my eyes because in what world would anyone purposefully pretend to drown themselves just to get the attention of the guy they like?
I huff. “I’m doing fine on my own, Ryen.Thanks.” I hiss sarcastically, causing her to let out a chuckle. “I said I wanted to test the waters, not drown in them.”
“Well, you seem nervous. I’m not even looking at you and I can feel the anxious energy just exuding off you, babe. You know that whatever it is you’re doing, it’s not really going to have the outcome you’re hoping for.”
I sigh. Even though this wasourplan, she’s right. This idea is stupid and honestly, what was I really hoping would come from this? Like I said, I see Zach more than I probably see my own toes—I mention this because I’m usually always wearing socks, but that is neither here nor there. My point is that we see eachother nearly every day and even so, we never really have a reason to talk much. Over the years, we’ve chatted just as I would with my brother, about school and sports games. Maybe sprinkle in the occasional conversation about music or movies. And it’s not like I can pretend I know nothing about football like all the other girls usually do. Except, they really don’t know anything about football. I do. I love football. But other than football, I can’t be sure Zach and I have any other interests in common.
I pause a beat, looking down at the littered towels on the ground.
“Do we even have anything in common?” The question leaves my mind out loud and Ryen tilts her head at me.
“You and Zach?” she asks.
I shake my head slowly, coming to the realization that I know more about him than most people do, this I’m sure of. But that’s just from observing him silently, watching him from afar. But his hobbies and interests, I can’t say I know much about them. What if we have nothing else in common other than . . . football and school?
Maybe Ryen has the right idea. Instead of trying to talk to him, I should fill my lungs with water and let him save me. Near death experience is something to talk about, right?
I stretch my body out against the chair, letting my legs feel the heat of the golden Harper Valley warmth beating down over me as I pretend to be reading this book; a book I’ve read about three times over already but no one really knows that but me. The sun is adorning the bright, baby blues in the sky and the heat is relentless, which is why I’m glad I opted for my purple bathing suit instead of the shorts and t-shirt I was planning on wearing. Besides, this is where Ryen and I spend most of our days if we’re not working or have other plans.
Suddenly, cold water splashes against my heated skin, pulling my attention away from thoughts of how I can start aconversation with Zach. I irritatingly lower my shades down my nose to point my eyes in the direction of which it came.
“You rang?” I deadpan, swiping the water off my legs.
“Yeah. Called your name like four times just now. Where'd you go?” I watch Ryen as she pushes herself up out of the pool.
My eyes follow her movements as she snaps her bikini straps against her bronzed skin, perfect and poised, smirking at me as she walks over to grab a towel off the ground. I sit up in my chair, lowering my book to watch her as she starts pulling her hair through the towel to dry it.
“I was ignoring you,” I say with feigned certainty. When really, I didn’t hear her at all. I wave the book in front of me. “I’m reading.”
Now it’s Ryen’s turn to roll her eyes at me, playfully of course, as she drops the towel back to the ground. “Mm hmm. You know you do look hella obvious right now, right?"
Ryen walks over to the edge of my chair and sits at my feet. I remove the sunglasses off my face, placing them on top of my head before she reaches out and grabs the top of the book, still in my hands, before she takes it from me completely and flips it upside down.
“Didn’t know you could read upside down,” she quips and I let out a defeated sigh, throwing myself back into my chair.
She tilts her head at me, lowering her bright indigo-colored eyes. “You know you don’t have to try so hard. I know I hyped you up this morning and we came up with whateverthisis,” she waves her hands between us. “But maybe this isn’t the move. I really don’t think that you sitting here is going to gain Zach’s attention any more than if you were just watching TV on the couch, Cadie.” Her tone sounds motherly more than anything, but I know she’s only doing it so she doesn’t come off as offensive or condescending, something she usually has no problem doing otherwise. She’s a bit of a fiery one, the girl inschool with theI don’t give a fuckattitude. It’s literally why I love her. Because where I am usually the peace maker, she’s the storm and somehow, it works for us.
But her comment makes me stiffen a bit and my brows crease in response. Closing my book and sitting up straighter in my chair. I pull my legs inward. “You think I’m trying too hard?”
She gives me an easy shrug, letting her shoulders fall lightly as I sigh.Of course I’m trying too hard.When have I ever tried to plan for someone to pay attention to me? Suddenly, I feel self-conscious about my efforts, but at the same time, I’m super inexperienced when it comes to anything that has to do with boys. Then again, I’ve never truly been interested in anyone other than the one person I shouldn’t want.
Maybe that’s the problem, though; I’m not confident enough. I’ve never really liked attention yet here I am, practically begging for it. And from someone who gets attention literally every day of his life, it seems. What makes me so special?Am I even special?
“I think if you have to force someone to pay attention to you, then they don’t deserve to have your attention in the first place. It should be natural, girl. Let them like you for you. If Zach really does like you, he’ll make it known.”
“But is that enough? I mean, don’t you think that if he liked me, he’d have said something by now? And honestly, what if he’s waiting for me? What if he’s nervous about Bray just as much as I am?” I tilt my head, letting my words spill from a tone that sounds defeated. I don’t even know why I feel defeated. I shouldn’t be feeling so much disappointment at the idea that a boy might not like me.
Ryen reaches her hand out for mine, clicking her tongue before speaking again. “Listen, whether he likes you or not is something we might not ever know. But you shouldn’t let that define you or your worth. Trust me, I know what it's like to have a crush and to be absolutely torn up over it but look at me now.I’m thriving, babe. But in all honesty, he’d be pretty stupid not to take a risk with you.”
I try to provide her with a soft smile, one that reaches my eyes gently but I know it’s not as sincere as I intend it to be. Ryen slips her sandals back on before heading toward the open sliding glass doors leading back into my house.
“Where are you going?” I ask her, sitting up a bit more in my chair.
