The discussion I had with the woman who gave birth to Marshall is still fresh in my memory, but now I’m seeing it with fresh eyes. I was so fucked up and ignorant with my brain, which tried to balance my feelings and her words. And failed, nonetheless.
As curious as I am to read more from his journal, I am scared to find out more. I never knew what was deep inside his thoughts, but what was on the surface. What he showed the world.
The image of a normal and loving man.
To hell with that!
I mean, yes, my strategy was good. The hatred for him increased significantly, but what is even more profound is the fear of him. I am afraid of the man I fell in love with and with whom I would’ve lived my whole life.
Ironically, I am staying next to the man who broke my heart in the past. The difference is that Lucas’s eyes are easier to read than Marshall’s. Feelings existed and still exist in them, not just the best-quality acting.
That is probably the reason I was so obsessed with books about human behaviour. I should’ve taken them more seriously. Maybe I wouldn’t have ended up in this situation.
“Are you ok, Anmara?” Lucas asks almost the same question that slipped through Marshall’s lips at that dinner.
I look at the two beauties with the look of fresh grass, and I read his concern. I don’t even need to look at another point on his face to figure that out. The feeling is clear as day in his eyes, combined with a small frown and his tight lips, which gives the emotion more credibility.
For once, I am also honest with myself. For the first time in too long.
“No, I’m not ok,” I say.
He frowns, and I see his thumb going to my left cheek to remove, in the most natural way, a tear that is rolling down on it.
“Wanna tell me what your brain cells are trying to concentrate on? You are so trapped in your own mind sometimes that I’m afraid you’ll become a prisoner of it,” he whispers, keeping his worried gaze over mine.
His palm grabs my cheek, and makes my head go unintentionally toward his warmth.
“And how many things is my mind trying to process, Lucas,” I answer in a small voice. “I was so absorbed by love for too long. I didn’t listen to what people told me about Marshall. I didn’twant to pay attention. I preferred to ignore them and think about how good he made me feel. I lost too many people before and… I think I was also scared of losing the man who cared for me, whether he was acting or not. I was too comfortable in his company and didn’t wanna let anyone disturb my peace of mind, which was way more toxic than I’d ever imagined.”
I pause for a second and bite my bottom lip to try to abstain from crying harder.
“I loved a psychopath that could’ve killed me anytime, Lucas. Do you know how that feels?” I ask and sob, already feeling the tears running down my face.
Not even the blood from my lip could surpass the pain that my betrayed heart is feeling.
Lucas looks at me like he wants to say something, opening and closing his mouth.
“It is possible to scare you with what I’m about to tell you,” he manages to say. “I also relied on Cathal’s people to supervise you. Maybe even more than Blake. But, at some point, I had had enough of their help, and given that I have always been good at programming, I kinda invaded the cameras close to you. From anywhere you may have gone with him. You were always safe as long as I was watching you. He couldn’t have killed you. I always had someone ready to intervene if things got out of hand. I suspected from the beginning that something was suspicious about Marshall. From the moment I saw him in that restaurant with you," he says, making my eyes go wide because of the shock brought by his words.
“I wanted to intervene, but you looked happy and didn’t wanna disturb you by walking back into your life.”
“Wait, what?”
I am stunned by what I found out. And I’m not talking about the cameras and the shadow-watch, but the fact that he was so close to me and I didn’t even know. Yes, I hated him back thenfor what he did to me, but a familiar face would’ve been helpful in that period.
He sighs.
“The night you met him, I had the intention of hugging you, of kissing you, of squeezing those sexy buttocks and making you feel good right there, for the whole world to see, even though you would’ve looked at me with hate again. I would’ve probably got a slap from you before getting that far, though,” he laughs softly.
I feel my cheek burning, that warmth extending down below.
“I wanted to have you next to me for at least a couple of seconds, to know you are ok, to see that you’re not suffering as I’ve seen you looking unhappy at the window from your room.”
A sad smile rests over my lips while remembering the lost moments, in which I felt like nothing could cheer me up. That nobody could give me the motivation to live.
“Yes, I came near you when I was in town, and I was getting bored. I was and still am obsessed with your safety. Don’t judge me,” he frowns playfully, with a small smile on his lips. “I did too many bad things to the world to not make a good one that would give me satisfaction, and the fact that your presence makes me speak my truth annoys the hell out of me. It’s frustrating," he says, making me smile.
“Also, I missed you so fucking much, and I wanted to fix my past mistakes because I still care so much for you, Anmara. As Blake said, you make me vulnerable, but it is a peaceful vulnerability compared to what I do on a daily basis," he says, gluing his forehead on mine.
