Rage burns hot under my skin at the person who put those words in his mouth, who brought this level of fear into his life.
I force myself to sound calm. “Gabe.”
He doesn’t hear me. He thrashes harder, kicking the covers down, body jerking as if he’s taking a blow. I move closer, kneeling on the mattress.
“Gabe. It’s Noah.” My voice shakes with the effort of not screaming. “You’re safe. You’re here with me.”
His eyes fly open, but they aren’t seeing me. They’re wide and wild, pupils blown, fixed somewhere past my shoulder. He tries to scramble back and tangles himself deeper in the sheets, a raw sob tearing out of him. I reach out slowly, hand hovering over his shoulder. The moment my fingers touch him, he flinches, a whimper breaking from his lips. My chest cracks.
“It’s me, baby. It’s Noah. I’ve got you.” He blinks hard, and for a terrifying moment, I think he’s still lost. Then his wild gaze flicks to mine, latching on.
“Noah?” His voice shreds my name, barely more than air. Relief punches through me. “Yeah, it’s me. I’m here.”
He gasps like his lungs forgot how to work, and then he lunges forward, clinging onto me and burying his face in my chest. His body shakes so hard, I think my arms might not be enough to hold him. I pull him to me, crushing him against me, rocking without thinking.
“Blue,” he rasps through broken sobs. “I-I’m s-sorry. Didn’t—didn’t mean to—w-wake you—”
“Hey.” My voice breaks. I bend my head and press my lips to his damp hair. “You’re okay. Please don’t apologize.”
He whimpers, hands fisting in my shirt. His whole frame trembles under my palms. The scent in the air, the essence of fear, knifes right through me. Sweet, kind Gabe, who would never hurt anyone, still carries someone else’s cruelty in his sleep.
“I thought—” his voice cracks again, “The mug—he—” His whole body spasms with the memory, and fury nearly tips me over.
I tighten my arms around him, pressing gentle kisses to his hair, temple, forehead. “You’re not there. You’ll never be there again. You’re with me. I won’t let anyone hurt you.”
The shaking lessens after a while, but doesn’t fully stop. “I didn’t tell you much before,” Gabe says finally. “About… Kyle.”
“You don’t have to.” I run my hand gently down his back to comfort him. I hate hearing that name. Hate that even though he’s gone, he’s still hurting Gabe.
“I want to.” He swallows roughly. So much time passes before he speaks again, I almost think he’s fallen asleep, but his breathing is too erratic. I start to wonder if he meant he wants totell me, but can’t. Maybe he meant someday. I’d wait until he’s ready, and if he never is, I’ll still support him in any way I can.
Eventually, he moves away, sitting across from me with his knees pulled up, arms wrapped around his legs. Making himself smaller. “He used to do a lot for me. I thought it was his way of showing affection at first. But… then he started to make suggestions that weren’t really suggestions. He wanted me to dress a certain way, eat only what he said, act the way he wanted. And if I didn’t…”
He won’t look at me now, and it’s killing me. I want his eyes, I want him to see everything my eyes hold for him.
“I was so stupid. I let him control me, I did all the things he wanted, but it was never enough.” He buries his face in his knees, sniffling.
“Gabe.” I keep my tone gentle, when really, I want to scream. Not at him, but for him. “You are not, and never were, stupid. You cared about him, you see the good in people, and he took advantage of that.”
I hate even acknowledging that Gabe cared for that piece of shit, but he did.
“I was,” he says sadly, “I let him influence everything in my life. Let him control me. Let him hurt me. I’m bigger than him, I could have stopped him. But I didn’t, I kept letting him do those things to me.”
The words are like a physical blow, that word,let, twists me up. He blames himself.
“Gabe,” I start, but he shakes his head almost angrily.
“Said I was selfish. He didn’t like how much time I spent at the store or with my friends.” He sniffles and wipes at his eyes. “He’d get so angry over everything, over nothing. Like if I went to Ciarán’s for dinner or stayed late at an event. Sometimes it was just small things around his apartment, too. I could have forgotten to tidy something or not done things the exact wayhe liked.” He chews his lip, shaking his head again. “Then he’d ignore me for days, wouldn’t speak a word, and I’d spend the entire time dissecting every little thing I could have done wrong. I’d try to understand what I did, and how I could fix it.”
I hate hearing this, hate knowing that someone could do this to Gabe. I want to touch him, hold him, tell him I’ll always take care of him, always put him first, but he’s not done talking. He presses the heels of his hands into his eyes.
“Things escalated from small remarks, or a sigh or eye roll, eventually they got more frequent, and his comments turned harsh.” When he finally looks back at me, his gaze is full of fear. I’m not sure if it’s fear of his memories or how I might react.
“Then he started getting physical with me.” His voice breaks, and the tears start coming again. “If I didn’t do what he wanted, he’d push me around, grab me roughly. I was so afraid of him at that point, and I wanted to leave him, but I didn’t know how. I didn’t want to be touched by him anymore, I didn’t want to be intimate, but he—”
A mournful sound leaves him, it’s shattered and raw, and I feel it as much as hear it. My eyes burn, stomach churning. I’m not a violent person, I’d never hurt a soul, but in this moment, I think I could kill. He took from Gabe, took what wasn’t offered. He stole a piece of him and left fear in its place.
I can’t bear this distance between us anymore. I need him in my arms. I move closer, and when I reach for him, a choked cry leaves him as he buries his face in my chest again.
