Once? I can write that off as nothing.
Twice is pushing it.
Three times means something. And it’s why I had the nightmare last night.
I’ve never dealt with it well. I cried and screamed a lot the first year after the attack. I couldn’t sleep without reliving it over and over. Lil and I had tutors that year instead of going to school. Between the shitty sleep we all got and the fear we all felt over me leaving the house, it was the best choice. After seven years, a lot oftherapy, and trial and error, things are a lot better. I have the nightmare so rarely I almost forget I do at all.
I fight a good fight for most of the day. Lil and I keep busy by harassing Ford via texts, moving Parker’s dead Tamagotchis around while he’s making ramen, and hiding a hundred tiny plastic ducks in Sully’s car. I even think maybe I’m winning against the heavy darkness that’s creeping in, especially when Luca kisses me softly on the lips and forehead when we run into each other in an empty hallway after lunch.
But when I take a bathroom break during movie night, I catch a glimpse of my scars in the mirror. I see them every day, but I avoid looking at them in mirrors. Seeing them reflected back at me can be worse than looking directly at them.
This time, it breaks me. My breathing hitches, the memories of pain and hate ghosting through me. I can’t stop my fingertips as they move to trace over the long, thin lines on my hips. The short, thicker marks on my stomach.
They’re ugly. They’re so ugly. I’m never going to wear that lingerie I bought. I can’t show my scars to Luca. What was I even thinking? This thing with him, it can’t be a thing!
I try to force the thoughts away. They aren’t true. I know they’re not true. But right now, they feel true.
Moving like a zombie, I finish straightening my clothes and wash my hands.
Laughter drifts down the hall from the theater room as I make my way upstairs in a fog. I take Luca’s hoodie from the back of the couch and pull it over my head, letting it swallow me whole. Then I crawl into Lil’s bed and curl up on my side facing away from the door.
I don’t know how long I lie there, lost in my own head, before the mattress dips behind me. His scent, that mixture of his body wash and shampoo and just simply him, fills my lungs. His body presses against my back. His arms wrap around me.
“I’m here, baby,” he whispers. “I’ve got you.” I melt into him. He comforts me, calms me, in a way I didn’t know existed. My arms settle on top of his. I can breathe better now that he’s here.
I fall asleep in minutes but wake when Lil slips into her side of the bed. Her face is pinched in concern, but there’s something else, something like hope, in her eyes.
“Not quite what I thought I’d find when I realized you both disappeared,” she teases, giving me a weak, sad smile.
Blinking back tears, I lift one of my hands to her. She wraps her pinky around mine, and I drift back to sleep surrounded by the two people who share different parts of my heart and soul.
Chapter 40
I skipped leg day
Luca
Most mornings, I wake up early and head to the gym first thing.
I have no idea what time it is when I wake up Monday morning, and I have no intention of reaching for my phone to check. Honestly, I don’t even know if my phone is in my pocket, on the bedside table, or back in the theater room. And I don’t care right now. Fuck my phone. Fuck the gym. They don’t matter today. Only Ariana matters.
Closing my eyes, I rest my head against the back of hers, still covered by the thick sweatshirt hood. When she didn’t come back to watch the movie after a few minutes, I went to check on her. I figured she got distracted by something shiny or thought about cheese and had to go eat some.
I didn’t expect to find her curled up in Lil’s bed wearing my hoodie in the middle of family movie night. Seeing her like that, it broke something inside me. It made me realize I can’t protect her from having days like this, but I can help her through them. Ididn’t think twice about crawling in next to her and holding her. And she let me.
Most people would probably find our sleepover strange: me on one side of the girl I love, her best friend and adoptive sister, who happens to be my cousin, on the other. But we aren’t most people. And Ariana needed both of us last night.
Plus, kicking Lil out of her own bed would have been rude.
I open my eyes and see that Lil is awake and staring at Ariana.
“She’s still asleep,” Lil says softly, looking up at me. “I texted Mom and Dad last night to let them know what’s going on. I’m going to go get coffee.”
Lil slides out of bed quietly and leaves the room. It isn’t long before Ariana starts to stir. She turns in my arms and rests her forehead on my chest. I hold my girl until she finally gets up to use the bathroom.
“Coffee?” I ask her when she comes out. She gives me a small nod and steps into my arms. I kiss the top of her head through the hoodie, keeping my lips pressed there for a moment, and then she lets me thread my fingers through hers. Even after we get to the kitchen, where everyone else is already gathered, she doesn’t let go.
Lil hands her coffee in a cup with a straw before we climb onto stools at the counter. Mia and Marco both give her a hug. They give me approving looks. Becca starts making me an omelet and asks Ariana what she wants. Ari glances my way like she’s apologizing for disappointing me.
