Rosie
Istare at my reflection as I call Sasha. The dark circles under my eyes and the spots on my forehead I desperately try to cover with my bangs highlight my exhaustion.
“You okay?” she says as she answers.
“I fucked up. Are you okay to talk?”
“Yeah, I’m on my break. The kids are napping, and some are playing. I’ve tried to stop Tabi from sleeping so you can get some sleep tonight.”
I dip a paper towel in water and try to wipe off the food stain inside my cuff. “Thank you. It’s because she’s sensed a change. Things will improve, but right now I’m ready to collapse.”
“Can your parents take her this weekend?”
“Maybe.” I sigh. “Although they’re still not happy I took this job.”
“They’ll come around. How did you fuck up?”
I cradle my head. “Niki asked about Tabi, and I was worried he was judging me, and then saw some of Tabi’s yoghurt from two days ago on my clothes.”
“So?”
I scrub at it again. “So when Niki asked if I made him uncomfortable because I was fiddling with my clothes, instead of explaining I was wearing the same outfit several days in a row because it was all I could buy at the charity shop before I started, I flipped and?—”
“He has no right to comment on your clothes or ask about your home life.”
“I know. I think it was due to his anxiety, like he believed he’d done something wrong, which, again, isn’t okay. I made sure he understood that, but I overreacted. I’m paid enough for nicer clothes now, but I haven’t had the chance to buy any, and I wanted to put all the money in Tabi’s savings so she can have a future to do whatever she wants.”
“Why was he asking about Tabi?”
“I thought he was being nosy, but maybe it was his version of polite.” I drop my head. I reacted because I’m exhausted. “I want to be the capable assistant who can forge ahead in her career, but at home I want to be a mum. I must keep these two things separate, yet sometimes I miss her and want to talk about her at work.”
“He’s probably confused.”
“Every time I mentioned Tabi at university, the inevitable question would come up about her dad. I hated that I didn’t know his name because I hooked up with some Australian rugby player who I couldn’t pick out of a lineup because I was so drunk.” I raise my voice. “I don’t want people here to judge me.”
“Rosie, breathe. You don’t need to explain yourself to me. Take a moment. Crack a can from your fancy assistant fridge and get on with your job.”
“I don’t fit in this world. I’m not a rich kid doing what I want without consequence. My clothes are shit, my world is limited, and I have responsibilities.” My heart’s so heavy.
I sink down onto a closed toilet seat.
“You’re tired, and you need a night off. You could meet up with your old rugby team. That might help. Did Niki say you don’t fit in?”
“No, he’s always nice, and the other assistants are, too. It’s the perfect job.”
“We’ll order you clothes, and next week you’ll have a nicer wardrobe. You’re allowed to spend money on yourself, and this weekend, I’ll be slutty somewhere else so you can get sleep.”
“You’re always slutty somewhere else because of Tabi. You’d never bring a guy to ours.”
“But I could be less chatty about my adventures when you’re trying to sleep on a Sunday.”
“Never stop telling me about those. I live vicariously through you. It’s not like I’ll ever have good sex again.” I reflect on my past. “It’s not like I ever did.”
“One day we’ll get you laid with the greatest orgasm ever. It’s my life mission, and this time, the guy won’t ask if he can take the condom off because it would make sex better. And if he does, you won’t readily agree.”
I cringe at how desperate I was to have sex that night.
“Thank you. You’re the best.”
