“Therapists, eh? Sneaky mind fuckers. What does that mean for now?”
“It means I love racing, I’ll always love it, but it doesn’t feed my soul like it used to.”
Senna strokes her thumb across her best lap time tattoo. “I get that. I love racing, too. That’s why I go to the aerodrome. I’d race in other competitions, too, if I had time.”
“Like Le Mans 24?” An unexpected thrill zips through me when I mention the French twenty-four-hour race I didn’t have time to compete in while driving in Formula One.
“Like Le Mans, but others, too. There are lots of options. And I had an idea for Coulter Racing. It’s one of those things I haven’t got around to, but…”
I steeple my fingers and rest my chin on them. “But what?”
Senna twists a pen, making the silver stars embedded in her nail varnish catch the light with each spin. “There’s still the advisory role, which you were excellent at. The way you’ve helped Tawny made me consider something else. I want to scout young drivers. Formula One is full of drivers from rich families or people whose dads raced. But there are other kids out there, ones like Connor who only get lucky if they’re sponsored early on. I want to find those we can fund, and one day, I’d love a Coulter Racing Academy that focuses on future drivers.”
As Senna talks, my heart beats faster, and I get a rush that used to accompany my pre-race rituals.
I search my drawers for a pen. “I’ve got an idea, but I need to make notes.” Rosie would have a pen ready for me. I check the clock. She should be arriving any minute. I hold my hand out. “Pen.”
Senna passes hers to me, and I make notes.
“You took my pen,” she stutters. “You didn’t put on sanitiser first.”
I shrug. “Some things have improved. My health anxiety isn’t gone even though I’m low as hell today, but I’m also not the man I was a year ago. I’m still finding who I am.”
“Why are you feeling low?”
Because I pushed away the most incredible woman in the world.
“We’re not talking about that. We’re talking about thefuture.” She purses her lips, but I continue regardless. “So once we’ve scouted these drivers, I’d train the teenagers who wouldn’t normally get a chance. I’d bring my knowledge and insight to help others. We’d involve people like Jacs to teach them about the mechanics of the car, and we’d discuss why strategies are picked.”
“Go on.”
“And young people could apply to a summer or winter camp. We run it here, but with plenty of track time at the aerodrome. Rosie could help with the mental health side and bring her sports psychology knowledge to help performance once she’s completed her master’s—if she wants to.”
“Your eyes are shining, bro. I haven’t seen that for a while—except when you look at Rosie and Tabi.”
I swallow the lump in my throat. “If I did this, I wouldn’t need to travel as much as I would if I returned to driving. Being away from Rose and Tabi for at least five or six days every fortnight or week doesn’t have the same lure. I want to be home for them…if they want me.”
“Why wouldn’t they want you?” Senna fixes me with her stare.
“I sort of broke up with Rosie.”
“Why?” she shrieks. “You worship that woman.”
I hold up my hand to placate her, and she glares. “Because Scott is Tabi’s dad. He doesn’t have issues with his health, and Tabi doesn’t need to put on sanitiser to hold his hand. He doesn’t freak out when she’s sick.” Pain replaces my earlier excitement. “I’m a burden to her, and I always will be. She’ll realise the accommodations she must make for me aren’t worth the effort. I’m doing well, but there will still be drops. Rosie won’t want to be around me when she could have Scott. I’m not old Niki.”
I lower my gaze, but Senna bangs my desk to get my attention. “Rosie adores you. You’re not a burden. Do you agree it’s great Tabi will know her dad?”
“Obviously. I’ll never be her biological father, but I love that she has this opportunity.”
“Then what is your problem? Tabi loves you. And so what if you’ll always have health anxiety? It’s helped you respect other people’s nuances and struggles. Rosie told me you helped Tabi with her fear of the dark and made her cinema experience lovely. Would old Niki have been able to do that? So what if you’re not a badass man sleeping around and showing no understanding of danger anymore? Is that who you want to be?”
“I love it when you’re like this,” I whisper. “You’re like a supportive dragon.”
She rolls her eyes and pushes my comment away with a sweep of her hand, but the twinkle in her gaze tells me she liked my compliment. “Who do you want to be?”
I take a breath and grip my desk. “I want to be the guy who turns up for the woman and child he loves when they need him and when they don’t.”
“You’re already that guy. That’s who you’ve been for months. All those gestures that meant the world to Rosie were you turning up for her and Tabi. They weren’t showy, which you could’ve done. They were from the heart and what she needed.”
