Somewhere along the line of your life your parents become human. They become dynamic and multifaceted. I’m well aware both my parents were imperfect. But I am now realizing I didn’t give either of them room to change.
I realize the space I want her to hold for me and my racing is the exact space I’ve blocked by pushing her away.
"I’m sorry for holding a grudge against you." I say. "And for being so snotty about choosing running when I got older."
My mom chuckles a little on the other line. "Are you kidding? Sure, I’ll admit at first I had a pity party for myself. You had been my ride or die for so long on Saturday mornings. We used to go to the farmers market together and Dad would meet us. Do you remember?"
"Yeah, I do. He’d complain that we didn’t save him a cinnamon roll."
"And then you’d pull one out of the bag for him."
I smile. "He always acted surprised."
"He was so fun-loving. And he’d be on his runners high. It was like he couldn’t contain his smile." She pauses. "When you started going on the Saturday runs and rides with him, it left me aimless for a bit. I think the first summer, I’d stay in bed until noon. Then the next summer I tried going to the market on my own. It was different but you and your dad would meetme afterwards and we’d get some of the family time we used to share.
"Honestly Laney, I think I was lonely."
"Lonely? How so?"
"It’s an odd thing to admit to being lonely with a husband and a kid but I was. I wanted to be wanted. I wanted to feel like your dad picked me. That he prioritized me over himself. And that’s pretty egotistic to say out loud, but it’s what I felt." She laughs. "This is not the direction I expected this conversation to go. All you did was ask me one little question!"
"It’s not a little question. It was a big one."
"Yeah, I suppose it was."
We’re quiet for a moment. Another question screams to be asked. I don’t want to push it, I don’t want her to shut down.
But I am pursuing my TP pro card because I promised my dad I would, I need to know where his head was at.
I need to know why he asked me to carry on the legacy of a sport that tainted his marriage.
"Did you and dad clear this up before he died?"
"Yes. He told me about the diagnosis, and then immediately said he was sorry for not clearing things up between us sooner. Laney, we weren’t perfect, not even close, but we did love each other."
"Okay." I believe her even as the word comes out tight through the emotion in my throat.
"And we loved you." I sniffle and nod even though she can’t see me. "I saw the article about your race."
"You did?"
"Yeah, congratulations on the record. And, I am so proud of you for not giving up when your shoes fell apart. Most people, myself included, would have thrown in the towel."
"Yeah, well, I’ve got something to prove."
"You do?"
"Yeah, it’s up to me to prove that it’s worth it."
"That what is, Laney?"
"The time, the money, the effort. That everything I put into training is worth the outcome."
My mom is quiet for a moment. She clears her throat. "But do you love it?"
"Racing?"
"Not just racing, the training too."
