Who would do that? Who does that? It was all a lie. She ruined my life, and it was all a lie.But she didn’t ruin it.I don’t want to ask because I’m not sure I want to know, or if he’ll even be honest with me, but no one made him tell me as much as he already had, so maybe . . . And if we’re going there, might as well go all the way. Rip the whole bandage off. “What happened that night? Between us?” I say it while looking at my hands, then turn my bent head sideways to look up—to face him.
He doesn’t look at me. Instead, he rubs his hands over his face. He starts shaking his head slowly, drops his hands and looks sideways right into my eyes. “I don’t . . . I don’t really know. I was pretty drunk.” He holds up his hands in surrender, like he expects me to argue.
I don’t say a word. I’m not sure I even take a breath.
“That’s not an excuse. I’m just saying it’s all kinda fuzzy—even now.”
I nod faintly in agreement.
He continues. “I think I came in to take a piss and I heard you. I think you were asleep or passed out, but I heard you, so I walked over to you. Fuck, Evvie, I don’t know. I want to believe I didn’t take advantage of you. I don’t think I’m that guy.”
A tear slips down my cheek at his words. I don’t try to stop it. I just keep staring at him, trying to bring the night back, even though it makes my heart slam in my chest and my belly churn. “I thought it was a dream. I thought I was kissing someone else, then it was you.” Another tear falls. “Did we . . . Did you kiss me?”
It’s his turn to nod slowly.
Another tear. This time the surge of anger lifts my hand to swipe it away.
“I thought . . . you reached for me. When I heard you, I went to check on you. I said your name. You reached for me. I thought . . . you wanted me. Fuck! I feel sick to my stomach right now.”
“That makes two of us.”
“Listen, I’m not here to make excuses for myself. I’ve felt like such a fucking creep since that night. And a pussy for not speaking up, if I’m being honest. Shit, if I’m being honest, I’ve been a pussy since I started dating Kendall.” He lifts the side of his mouth in a self-loathing smile and shrugs one shoulder.
I can’t help it; I let out a breathy giggle—more exhale than laugh. But his self-deprecating realness touches me. I don’t speak because I sense he has more to say, and I find I want to hear it. All of it.
“I saw the way you looked at us. Like we were the perfect couple with the perfect life. And I knew we weren’t. I knew I’d been bought and paid for. I’d marry her and work for her dad and fall in line. I’d never felt less like a man—or myself. Probably why I started drinkingso much.” His shoulders sag as he talks—like the words are heavy to carry, let alone speak.
Still, I keep quiet, wanting to let him get it out.
“When you reached for me, maybe I wanted to be that guy I saw in your eyes—even in my drunken state.” He holds his hands up, palms out. “Again, I’m not saying it was your fault. Not even. I just hope you can believe I’m not a monster who tried to take advantage of you.” He puffs his cheeks and blows out a long breath. “God, I don’t even recognize the person I’m talking about. But it was me—I was that guy.” He shakes his head. “I fucking hate myself.”
He stops talking again, and I stuff my hands under my legs to keep from reaching out—to . . . I don’t know . . . pat him on the arm in some attempt at comfort. I hatemyselfa little that I’m such a pushover—that I want to comforthim.
“Anyway, when I thought what we’d done—what I’d done—caused Kendall to try to . . . to attempt suicide, it was easy to get swept along in the current of all that. I didn’t know how bad it was for you. Kendall never mentioned any of the bullying shit to me. I swear. Ryan did though. And when I’d try to talk to Kendall about it, she’d just have a dramatic meltdown and accuse me of horrible shit until I caved and dropped it. I became even more of that bought and paid for pussy until I could barely look myself in the mirror. When my cousin let it slip at my grandparents’ anniversary party that Kendall faked it, I lost it. I broke up with her right then. I took her to my car, drove her home and told her it was over. It was ugly and dramatic, and I’ve never been more sure of anything in my life. Except how sorry I am, Evvie. I’m so fucking sorry for the hell you went through because of me. And her. You didn’t deserve that. Any of it.”
When he pauses, it’s my turn to exhale through puffed cheeks.
My heart rate is slower, normal. I feel calm. I feel relieved. All the bad memories in Oak Valley are floating above my head like the bubbles we blew as little kids. They’re floating and popping as they rise and disappear. “Thanks for telling me all this,” I say, because I don’t know what else to say.
“Thanks for letting me—for listening.”
I nod again, looking at my toes over the top of my bent knees. A breeze picks up my hair and swipes it across my face. I pull a hand from under my legs and brush the locks behind my ear, then turn to look at him again, my head tilted sideways. “I don’t hate you, Chase. I think I did at one point. But mostly I hated those girls and the lengths they went to to torture me. I’m glad you got away from that. It’s crazy to think it was all a lie and could’ve been so easily avoided. But—”
“I’m so sorry I didn’t speak up sooner.” Chase cuts me off.
“I know. I believe you. And I accept your apology. That’s what I wanted to say. Yeah, it was bullshit, and it sucked what they put me through. But I’m happy. I’m really happy now.”
“I’m so happy to hear that. For real. If anyone deserves it, it’s you.” He offers a tentative smile.
I offer one back. The breeze picks up again and puts goosebumps across my arms and legs. “We’d better head up. I’m getting cold.” I stand, slipping my feet into my sandals.
“Of course, yeah. I, uh, hope Julian is cool. Maybe I should say something . . .?”
“Don’t worry about it. I’ll talk to him.”
He nods in response as we head up to the Brew courtyard and parking lot.
When we get there, we stand looking at each other awkwardly. After an uncomfortable few seconds, I give him a light friendly hug. As Ryan’s best friend, and no longer Kendall’s boyfriend, I can see this guy being in and out of my life without it being a constant reminder of shitty times. We just have to start somewhere—like with a platonic, friendly hug goodbye. “See you around, Chase. Drive safe down the hill.” I use the term all the locals use for driving down into the valley and smile to myself that it rolled off my tongue so unconsciously.
