How do you know?
That you are constantly caught in your own mind and thoughts?Flora asks.Sometimes it’s obvious because you take a while to answer. At other times, it might not be obvious to others, but I can tell. Elden was like that, too, when he was a teenager.
I can barely imagine Elden as someone who used to overthink anything!I just don’t know what to say,I admit.I want to be there for Faye, but somehow, I feel like I can’t. And that she would rather be with you. But I don’t want her to feel abandoned at the same time. And also…I take a shaky breath.I don’t know why she doesn’t want me around.I pause.Forget that I said that. It’s not about me.
Oh, Gwen, it’s okay to feel hurt by that. But Faye isn’t rejecting you. She knows you were her safe space for a long time. For a child of her age, a year is an eternity. She loves you.
But she wants a mom,I mutter.Or at least a motherly figure.
Yes.
Why can’t I give it to her?
I don’t think you lack motherly instincts,she says.You are perfectly fine the way you are, and I am sure if Felix and you have children one day, you will be a fantastic mother. I am also sure that if you and Faye had been all on your own right now, you would do everything to be the person she needed you to be. But here? You don’t have to. You are hurt, you were traumatized by a pack that constantly rejected you, and by your loved ones‘ passing.Younever had time to grieve. As long as you had a reason to keep fighting, your body was on autopilot. You needed to protect Marina and Faye; you needed to save them.
And now?I ask quietly.
Now you need to heal the little child in you. The child who never got answers, who was faced with the cruelty of its pack and with its father passing so suddenly. You need to look afterthatlittle child, accept and let it heal.She pauses.As for Faye, I will make sure she finds the perfect place for her to heal.Another pause.And maybe heal someone else, too.
Her last words surprise me a little, but I am too exhausted to enquire further. Flora said a lot to me, so much that it takes a while for it to sink in, and it will probably take an even longer while for me to understand and accept what she said.
My inner child. Little Gwendolyn, who cried under her blanket, secretly, so she wouldn’t worry her father.
Little Gwendolyn, who clung to her horse and talked to it, because no one else would talk to her.
Little Gwendolyn, who would date the first guy who said anything nice to her, because she was so deprived of love.
My chest constricts at my own thoughts. Fuck!
“Gwen?” Felix says. “Something is wrong, isn’t it? Did Mom say something?”
“No, I mean yes, she did, but what she said was really important.”
Flora,I link her again.I can’t do it alone. Could you set up an appointment for me with a therapist?
Of course. I am actually really glad and relieved that you are asking.Flora’s voice is so soothing. I have mostly experienced her as this peculiar, giddy, fairy-like person. That was until yesterday, when she was at Marina’s side, and hearing her now shows me how loving and capable she truly is.Accepting help is the first step, Gwen. You are such a strong woman. Sometimes things need to feel worse before they feel better. It’s part of the process, but I promise you, you are on the right path. And Gwen? If you want to, visit Faye and me later, together with Charlie. It will be proof for you that Faye does not reject you.
When I close the link to Flora, I notice that we have walked quite a distance. “Sorry, Felix, I was pretty much zoning out for half an hour.
“Nah, it’s fine! I told you to discuss things with Mom after all. So, she managed to help?”
“Yes, she did. She is pretty awesome.”
“She really is,” Felix says. “She looks so small and cutesy, and sometimes she can act that way too, but she has always given us so much love. And Auri is right with what she said: Mom knows a lot more than she lets on. She is a true enigma.”
“Where does she get her knowledge from?”
“We don’t know,” Felix admits. “I think Dad knows, but they never talk about it. So, we stopped asking. My parents rarely hide things from us, so when they do, I guess it has to be important.”
Again, with a couple of words, he manages to describe an otherwise complicated situation. It’s beyond me that someone called him shallow. They better not dare say that with me around.
“Are you ready for Charlie?” he asks me.
His question makes me chuckle. “I almost forgot that she is coming to visit.”
“That’s why I was steering you towards the parking lot.”
He is right, we are almost at the parking space for guests.
