“That’s not true, you are not a horrible person!” Felix argues. “That’s a completely normal thought process. Almost everyone struggling with terminally ill loved ones has these kinds of thoughts sometimes.”
“Is that true?”
“Yes, I talked to Dad about something similar a year or so ago, and he told me that when your mind is constantly under stress, and you are facing a tragedy for such a long period of time, it’s normal to want it to end,” he pauses. “There is nothing wrong with how you think, Gwen.”
Somehow, hearing it from Felix helps. It doesn’t take my worries or anxiety away, but it feels good to have someone validate me. I sigh. “My anxiety must be so annoying.”
“It’s not,” he reassures me. “I know how it feels. It sucks! But you can only accept it as what it is, and do things nevertheless.”
I blink. “You sound like you know what you are talking about.” A pause. “From the time you were kidnapped, right?”
He nods. “When Dario and I were freed, Dad made sure we both saw a therapist. I hated it at first, but it helped a lot. I was terrified for a long while and didn’t even realize it.”
“So, what do you do when anxiety hits you out of the blue?”
“I don’t know if I honestly have a strategy,” he admits. “But usually I talk to someone I trust. Or try to distract myself by being active... and sometimes, I write it down.” He shows me a lopsided grin. “Though I hate the latter, so I barely do it. It works better for Dario, however.” He pauses. “I try not to give my destructive thoughts too much room. My therapist told me to accept that they are there, to pay attention to them when they need it – like a little kid, you know? – but to give it a time limit.”
“You mean, like, hey, stupid thought, I played with you for an hour now, that’s enough?”
“Yep, something like that. Doesn’t always work, but if I pay attention to it for a time, I feel like my mind is at ease. It’s less stressful.”
I tilt my head thoughtfully. “I guess I could try that,” I muse. “I could also try to work or play with the pets. That’s my sort of activity.”
“Do you want to meet a therapist?” Felix offers.
“Is that an option? I thought it’s only for Faye.”
“Of course it’s an option,” he proclaims.
I think his offer through, then nod. “Yes, I think I’d like to try seeing someone.”
thirty-seven
Plans for the Future
*GWENDOLYN*
The next two days, I try to follow Felix’s advice. I spend my days living my life. I care for my pets and read up on the different species and what they need. Fortunately, I have the support of Elden for getting everything I need. Understanding their needs and caring for them seems to come naturally to me – maybe part of my gift – but it’s still good to educate myself further.
I also try to meet my new family regularly, I try to see as much of the pack as possible to get to know everyone, and learn about the pack grounds. During the last couple of days, I have also met the future ranked members and Aurelia’s mate. I meet withAurelia often, to learn about my new job as her assistant. We decided to postpone it a little since Marina is so sick right now and I need my attention elsewhere, but I still make sure I start to learn and understand what Aurelia will need from me. I spend time with Felix, and I hang out with Faye, when we manage to tear her away from Marina’s sickbed, and I even start making plans for the future. I’ve talked to both Elden and Aurelia about them. Aurelia wants me to consider whether I’d like to expand my zoo and add horses to it, giving classes to the younger pack members.
Just hearing about horses sends me into a downward spiral of guilt, like I am betraying Tulip with a life and future he is unable to have, but at the same time, I feel like I really want to do this. This could be something.
My rational mind is in constant battle with my emotions, much more than ever before. Maybe it’s because I am finally at peace somewhere, maybe my mind waited for me to be safe before unleashing all the anxiety and trauma onto me.
That’s when I follow through with Felix’s advice and get in touch with a therapist. Arden is helping me with it, as he is taking over more luna tasks by now. His nonjudgmental, quiet way of handling things is really soothing. It’s like he is a safe space, especially because he barely comments or judges on anything.
“So, you and Aurelia are thinking about setting up a real zoo, huh?” Felix asks, his hand squeezing mine and swinging it around playfully.
As usual, his mere presence makes me feel so much lighter. “More like a wildlife park,” I say. “But I think… it would be fun, you know? I didn’t even consider this as an option before.”
“But you have always wanted to have an animal shelter, right?”
I can’t believe he remembers this. I only mentioned it briefly, once. Almost like a fleeting comment. “Yes, this would make it possible.”
“Then even more reason to do it,” Felix says.
“It’s going to be a lot of work,” I admit. “Not just for me, but to get things started, it will take some funds.”
