I gulp over an aching throat.
“If you want to let me have it, you can. You don’t have to hold it inside.”
“I’m not holding it inside. I don’t… I’m not even really angry anymore.”
“I didn’t think you were anymore, but I don’t know why. I was shitty to you.”
“Yeah. But everyone is shitty these days. Aren’t they?”
Micah shrugs, his mouth twitching irrepressibly. “Most of us are.” He clears his throat. “I want to say something, but it’s not to defend myself. I just think you should know. Is that okay?”
“Okay.” I have no idea what to expect.
“Logan isn’t as bad as you’ve been thinking.”
I stiffen.
“I’m not defending myself. Or him. He’s not a good man. He never does the right thing just because it’s the right thing. He doesn’t help people out of the goodness ofhis heart. I knew that from the beginning. But he’s also not a bad man. He doesn’t hurt people for the sake of hurting them. He’s not moralorimmoral. He’s… practical. Always, only practical. And he’s loyal. He takes care of his people.”
“That part I knew.”
“You compared him to an old-school Mafia boss a while back, and that’s not a completely wrong comparison. But it also doesn’t fully… capture him. He’s not as bad as you’re thinking he is.”
“Okay,” I say slowly. “Why do you think I need to know this?”
“Because you might need him. In the future. Not right now. You’re doin’ great on your own for right now. But who knows what will happen later on? You might need someone, and I don’t want you to hesitate to take the help he’d offer just because you believe him to be evil. He’s not. He’s… hard. I thought he might soften some after we moved into these woods because he discovered he had a baby daughter, but he hasn’t. In fact, he’s gotten harder. But he’s not heartless. And Lilah and Deck and a bunch more of his people are good. Not all of them, but some of them. And they can help you. If you ever need it, they can help you.”
“I understand. I still don’t think I’ll ever want to go to Logan for help, but I understand what you’re saying, and I’ll think about it.”
“That’s all I want. If I’m not around to… to help you, I want you have someone to turn to if you need it.”
“All right. I get it.”
We sit in silence for a minute. I idly stroke Molly’s fur. She’s settled right at my feet.
“Is Deck the big guy who doesn’t speak?” I ask at last in a different tone.
“Yeah. He and Lilah are together.”
“I figured.” After a long hesitation, I ask in a weirdly stretched tone, “They’re your friends?”
“Yes.” His voice is very gruff. “They’re my friends.”
“So why aren’t you with them right now?”
He doesn’t answer. But his dark blue eyes are resting on my face when I risk a glance over at him.
“Don’t pretend it’s me,” I say. “Because you didn’t go to them two weeks ago when you could’ve. You’re avoiding them. You’re not going to go to them tomorrow either, are you?”
He shakes his head.
“Why not?”
“I don’t really know,” he admits, as if the words are hard for him to get out. “I just… can’t be who I was before. Not after I lost Burgundy. They remind me of who I used to be, and I just… can’t.”
I get that. I really do. I understand hiding from pain as much as I understand how the things that happen to us can change the core of who we are.
I reach over to touch his knee very briefly before I withdraw my hand.
