“I did! I mean, I wanted you to… to get what you wanted from it. I kept telling you it was all good. Why would you think anything else?”
“I could have paid better attention.” He’s not as withdrawn now. He’s still visibly upset, but he’s also talking to me. Earnest and real. “It’s not an excuse, but it’s all new for me. I never dreamed… I had no idea it’d be so good. That I could feel like I feel with you. So I think I let it go to my head. But the last thing I’d ever want to do is make you cry. I’ll do better. I’ll never do it again. Please don’t leave me.”
“I’m not going to leave!” I take a swallow of milk because my throat still feels swollen. “I’m not mad at you. You didn’t hurt me. It wasn’t… It didn’t feel good for me like it did for you, but I’d already had my turn. It was all fine. It wasn’t… it wasn’t that.”
He inhales and exhales in a big gust. Some of thetension loosens on his face. “So you’re not scared of me now?”
“No. Of course not. It never even crossed my mind.”
“So then what’s wrong? Why were you crying just now?”
I don’t want to answer. Because the true answer is mortifying. But it couldn’t have been easy for Mason to admit to me what he just did, so it’s only right for me to do the same. “I was afraid… I was afraid I’d really messed up. I was afraid you were disappointed in me. I was afraid… I was afraid that you wanted me to leave.”
He gapes at me, openly astonished for a moment. Then he gives his head a big shake as his mouth twists. “You can’t be serious.”
“I am serious. I know it sounds… pathetic, but that’s why I was crying.”
“How did you mess up? Because you didn’t wake up to help me with chores this morning?” He appears utterly baffled, and that’s obviously his best guess.
“No! Because of yesterday. I messed up with milking. Then I messed up by falling in the afternoon. And then I messed up when I… with the sex.”
“How did you mess up with sex?”
“Because it’s only supposed to not feel good the first time, but it still didn’t. I mean, you didn’t hurt me, but I didn’t think it was supposed to… to feel like that.”
“How did it feel?”
“Not… not comfortable.”
“I knew it wasn’t good for you. Why didn’t you tell me?”
“Because… I’m sorry. I wanted you to have your turn, and I was afraid you would have stopped if I’d told you.”
“Of course I would’ve stopped. I’m bigger and stronger than you. I’m responsible for never hurting you. It doesn’t matter whose turn it is.” He’s frowning down at his empty plate. “I thought…”
“You thought what?”
“I thought…” He’s self-conscious again. “I thought that part of sex was supposed to be about both of us. Not just me.”
He’s disappointed. I knew he would be.
Fighting against more tears, I manage to say, “I’ll keep trying. I’ve only done it twice.”
“Me too. I don’t know what I’m doing any more than you do. But we’re not gonna do it unless it’s comfortable for you. We can do other things.”
“I don’t want to stop trying. Can’t we still try?”
He scrutinizes my face. “Yeah, we can try. But we’re gonna go slow. I can’t believe…” He stops and rephrases. “I know you had a shitty time with Lorraine and Aria and they didn’t treat you right and you learned to keep it to yourself. But here with me, nothing is supposed to be bad like that.Nothing. So if something hurts or is uncomfortable or if you need help with anything, you gotta tell me.”
I gulp again. So loud he probably hears me. Then I sniff and nod. “Okay.”
We look at each other for a minute in silence. Then I ask, “Do you think it’s weird?”
“What’s weird?”
“Me mostly. For not knowing… anything. It’s a normal part of life. Natural, right? And I’m… clueless.”
“How could you have learned when no one taught you and you were trapped in that house all your life?” His tone is gentle, but his face works slightly as if he’s feeling a lot. “I barely know better than you. Not cause I was trapped but cause my folks always tried to… protect me. Keep me away from the bad stuff. Then in the Capitol I kept trying to… protect myself.”
