“Cara…” he began, but I cut him off.
“I’m fine, Dio. I promise. I just want to relax in the bath. I’m in a better place. I…I’m not going to…to dothat,” I uttered with some shame and embarrassment.
“I can come with you,” Cal offered, and when I glanced to him, he looked anxious too. “Not in the bathroom, obviously, but I can stay close….in your room. Keep you company.”
“Guys,” I groaned. “I know you just care about me, and I fully understand why you’re worried right now, but at some point you have to trust me. My having a bath is not something that should incite panic in you.”
“Maybe when things are calmer and you’re in a better place I’ll be able to not worry so much, Carr, but right now you’re having a tough time and Rafe told me you couldn’t make him the promise he needed. I’m sorry,Piccola, but I’m not okay with you being alone in that bath right now. One of us at least needs to be close enough to talk to you.”
“You’re being ridiculous!” I accused, my anger flaring.
“Ridiculous? You were dead, Cara! We pulled you from that water and you weren’t breathing. I had to resuscitate you, terrified the whole time you wouldn’t come back to us. You…you drowned yourself and you came so fucking close to succeeding in ending your life! I will not allow you or Rafe to go through that again.Iwon’t go through that again! Don’t you understand how important you are to us all? We can’t lose you, so if that means me being a controlling bastard to keep you with us, then so be it!” Dio raged, his chest heaving with every angry word he threw out.
I wanted to be angry. I should be. I should tell him to back off and that he didn’t get to decide what I was and was not allowed to do, but how could I when I saw the pain and fear all over his face and burning in his eyes? He was genuinely terrified I would attempt suicide again and it broke me that I was doing that to him. And not just him. When I glanced to Cal he lookedconflicted and scared too. I didn’t even want to think about the pain I’d seen on Rafe’s face multiple times since I almost left him. I was hurting all of them.
“I’m sorry,” I whimpered tearfully, but I couldn’t face either of them again. I couldn’t see the fear or concern on their faces. It was too much. Too real and heart breaking. “I…I won’t touch the tub, okay? I promise. I….I’m sorry.”
I fled then, before either of them could say anything that would have me falling to pieces even more. I ran up the stairs as fast as I could, fleeing for the solitude of my room, and the safety of my closet within.
By the time I got to my room I was desperately short of breath, both from the sprint up the stairs, and from my fight not to breakdown into fits of sobs, but I knew it was coming. My anxiety was rising, my feet feeling tingly with pins and needles, and my hands shaking as my heart raced faster and faster.
Just thinking about that day - the day I had almost ended it all, after the attack atJewelsand what that fucker had done to me. I’d been so lost and scared. Everything had just seemed so dark and insurmountable and I had taken the only route out of it all, that I felt able to face. It was without doubt, the darkest and most terrifying day of my life, and reliving it again was unbearable, but Dio’s words had taken me right back there, only now it felt even worse because I could feel Dio’s pain on top of it all. I could feel Rafe’s fear. All because of me. Because I was weak and selfish.
I pushed the door of my room open and fumbled for the light switch in my panic. I just wanted to get shut away somewhere private so I could fall apart in peace. I couldn’t understand how I went from having such a good time out, to the wreck I was now.
Something from my dresser smashed to the floor, as I fumbled for the switch on the wall, and I just cried harder at what an idiot I was. Finally my hand landed on the chrome of the light switch and I snapped it on, but nothing happened. I flicked it up and down again but still no light appeared.
Before I could even process anything, I was right back in the cold and drafty apartment in Chicago, flicking that light switch and calling to my Mum, the smell of pennies surrounding me, and a sense of dread and foreboding consuming me.
I stumbled forward as my heart raced so hard that I felt like I was going to keel over. My shaking hand moved away from the switch, already knowing no light was going to come on unless I crossed that blood soaked room and found the lamp. But I couldn’t turn the lamp on. I wouldn’t! I knew what I would find if I did and I couldn’t…
I tried to move backwards out of my room, and stumbled on something on the floor. I reached desperately for the door frame, not wanting to fall again. I could smell the blood. I knew I’d land in it again and then my Mum….
But I wasn’t fast or stable enough to save myself from falling and I landed hard on my backside again, just like before. I tried hard to keep a grip on reality – to tell myself I wasn’t there in that apartment, that the blood smell couldn’t be real! But then I landed in something wet on the ground, and all rationality was gone.
A scream pierced the air as I slammed my hands over my eyes and curled into myself as tightly as I could. I couldn’t see her again. I couldn’t stand for her to stare at me with those white eyes, accusing me. Not again.
“CARA?!”
I heard yelling and the pounding of footsteps, but I didn’t move. I couldn’t. I felt like I was frozen in fear. I was terrified the slightest movement would cause me to see everything, all over again.
“Cara? What happened?” A hand touched my shoulder and I flinched away from the touch violently.
“CARA?”
“Dario, don’t shout. She’s safe!” The voice closest to me snapped and then the yelling stopped and all I could hear was my own desperate fight to breathe through my sobs, and the drone of my insanely fast heartbeat, ricocheting through every inch of my body.
“What happened? She’s bleeding!”
“I don’t know. Lower your voice. She’s terrified.”
“Cal,” I whispered as the voice closest to me registered.
“I’m here. I’m right here, Cara,” he told me softly. “You’re bleeding a little. Can I touch you to check the cut? Please?”
“No!” I gasped. “Don’t…please…d-don’t touch me!”
“Okay. I won’t touch you, but I’m going to sit right here with you, okay? You’re home and you’re safe. Dio and I are both here with you.”
